Posted by Justin Q Ramond at dialup-209.245.66.60.losangeles1.level3.net on December 14, 1999 at 02:35:57:
In Reply to: Question for Kevin! posted by Grantly on December 14, 1999 at 01:32:11:
FILMMAKING FOR DUMMIES
The Step-by-Step Program for the FILM SCHOOL grad.
Step One: Steal a brillianr screenplay. You could write one yourself or obtain one legitamately, but that takes TALENT and WORK.
Step Two: Hire an executive producer to get the project off the ground. An executive producer brings so much to the project. Namely, loads and loads of money. Find the richest person you can find an exploit them. Tell them if they give you $100,000, they get to ride around the studio on those little golf carts. If that doesn't work, offer them sexual FAVORS. Remember, the Executive Producer gets little to no credit, puts up all the money and ends up in financial ruin when the flick is done. Without a producer, this could happen to you! So make sure you get one.
Step Three: Rent your essential EQUIPMENT. You'll need lights, cameras, actors, caffeinated soft drinks (I recommend Mountain Dew) and lots and lots of BAGELS. Not many peolpe know this, but BAGELS are the most essential part of any film production. You movie lives and dies based on bagel availability. Many times, a random passerby will stop by your set, treat themselves to a bagel and spontaneously become a member of your crew. On the other hand, if your crew finds no bagels on set, they'll go somewhere else to get some.
Step Four: Make Your Movie. This is a surprisingly involved process and really isn't worth the effort to try and do. Just get a good A.D. and take all the credit.
Step Five: Screening Your Film. Invite all the Hollywood big-wigs you know to the premiere. Anyone who knows anyone who knows anyone who knows George Lucas is a good place to start. These people aren't up on indie film, so just show them CLERKS or something. They won't be able to tell the difference and you might get a picture deal from Grammercy out of it. Hey, they never learn.
Step Six: Getting Rid of the Evidence. When you've got your money, take it and run. Never set foot in the film industry again. In fact, it's best to get out of the country all together. If you don't pretty soon you'll have snotty little indie film brats offering you a job as Executive Producer on their new flicks.
- JQr -