Posted by Mr. Apathy at spider-wj051.proxy.aol.com on December 15, 1999 at 22:36:32:
I think it's time I said what was on all our minds.
Thank you, Mr. Apathy.
I think we can all agree that the world would not be the place it is today had Mr. Apathy not stepped up to the plate and said "Hey. Who's your daddy."
Mr. Apathy was born the son of a poor Phillipeano merchant, Juan Gulverde Apathetii. When he was a mere 12 years old, he struck out on his own for the new world with nothing to his name but a copy of "Abba Gold" and a jar of Hellmans Real Mayonase which his mother had bequeathed to him before being stabbed to death in a discoteque in San Salvador.
He made it as far as Mexico, where he bought a small patch of land from a dying lepper. He began planting and harvesting Coffee Beans, and went into buisness for himself. He called his drink "Jim's Jitter Juice" and bragged that just one sip could induce liver failure. He was bought out in a hostle takeover by Starbucks that left him with only one eye.
Set back, but far from defeated, he began to trek northward. It was around this time that he started to become fond of the drink. He somehow completely missed America and found himself in Canada. He began a new life there, marrying a stripper named "Sally Straddle," and pioneered an effort to develop a new kind of "Canadian" bacon, derived from the hindquarters of pigs. After the historic "Pig Ass War" of 1974, it was determined that the rightful name of this product was indeed ham. Still, Mr. Apathy was undaunted. He threw all his belongings into a saddlebag and, on a decrepid old mule named "Ferdinand", he set off for the rich Jello mines of Utah.
TO BE CONTINUED
(whether you like it or not...)