Posted by PyThomas at 63.209.48.114 on July 02, 2000 at 15:32:03:
In Reply to: The Ultimate Jersey Parody posted by Sarcasmo on July 02, 2000 at 13:13:53:
: Mall Clerks Chasing Dogma:
: After being kicked out of Heaven, angels turned comic book writers Holden (Ben Affleck) and Loki (Matt Damon) are condemned to live in Wisconsin. The two attend a comic book convention where a deranged fan gives them an article about a game show called Truth or Date being held in the Eden Prarie Mall in New Jersey. By Mallratic law, he who wins the game and finds true love, will have all their sins forgiven. With this in mind, they scheme to get on the show so they can reenter Heaven. By doing this, however, they would be proving God wrong and since God's word is infallable, the universe would then unmake itself.
: Meanwhile in New Jersey, Dante Hicks (Brian O'Halloran) is called into work (on his day off) and strikes up a conversation with his friend Randal (Jeff Anderson) about his lack of faith, unable to believe that God would allow is ex-girlfriend Caitlin to fuck a dead man in a bathroom. Later that night the Metatron (Alan Rickman) appears in a ball of fire at the Quick Stop and charges Dante with a holy crusade to stop the angels, to which Dante reluctantly agrees. The next day he stops by his friend Brodie's (Jason Lee) house and tells him what's going on. Brodie tells him that his girlfriend Rene (Shannen Doherty) just broke up with him and convinces Dante that the answer to their problems is to go to the mall.
: Upon arriving, they enlist the help of two prophets, Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith), who instigate several hairbrained schemes to destroy the stage where the show is being held. Meanwhile, Brodie runs to the Comic Toast after finding out that famous comic book writer Hooper X (Dwight Ewell) is signing comics. Due to a freak accident on the escalater, Hooper X crashes to the floor and reveals to Dante that he is the 13th apostle, left out of the Bible because he was black, as well as gay. Brodie meets up with Rene who he finds out is the suiterette in the game and the two have sex in an elevator. She leaves unsatisfied and Brodie runs off to find the others and runs into a muse named Gwen (Joey Lauren Adams) who is trying on panties.
: Meanwhile Holden and Loki are on a bus to Jersey, discussing comic books. A man making out with a woman who is clearly not his wife declares his belief that tracers are merely inkers and an outraged Loki shoots him in the head. Back at the mall, Hooper X tells Dante that he is the Last Clerk and Dante freaks out completely, retreating back to the Quick Stop, where he is confronted by a demon made of all the eggs broken by guidance counselors. Dante runs to RST video and turns on a video of hermaphroditic porn. The porn gets the Egg Demon so hot that he fries. Metatron appears along with a topless fortune teller (Guinivere Turner) who convinces him to return to his quest. Metatron snaps his fingers and they all wind up at the cookie shop and they argue over whether it's really part of the food court. Jay brings up the idea of going to see Cardinal Svenning (George Carlin) and ask him to cancel the game show. Svenning refuses and kicks them out of the mall, but not before Brodie slips him the Stinky Palm.
: Hooper X makes a comment that Jay is gay, so he and Silent Bob run off to a strip club where a no longer comatose Caitlin (Lisa Spoonaur) is stripping. Dante redevelops feelings for her and is about to tell her but is stopped by Willam (Ethan Suplee) who holds them all hostage and reveals that he was the fan that clued the angels into the loophole, angered that he could still not see the sailboat and thus wanted to end all of existence. Gwen gives Silent Bob an idea, unbeknownst to Willam, and he and Jay don costumes, becoming Bluntman and Chronic, and proceed to kick Willam's fat ass. Brodie, fed up with everything, decides he no longer wishes to help. Silent Bob mutters, "You're chasing Amy." Brodie then decides that he is still in love with Rene and they all head back to the mall.
: Holden and Loke finally arrive, and kill the three suitors, all of whom are members of the Hicks family. Loki turns against Holden and Holden in turn kills him. Brodie and Dante show up and pose as the second and third suitors. Halfway through the game, Jay shows up with an automatic weapon and blows off Holdens wings. He transubstantiates and attempts to fuck Rene in a very uncomfortable place, thus becoming disqualified from the game. He goes on a killing spree but Silent Bob explains that he is merely, "chasing Amy." Holden realizes his mistake and stops. Dante, despite his newfound feelings for Caitlin, realizes he's still in love whit Veronica (Marilyn Ghigliotti) who is in the audience and forfeits the game. Brodie wins by default and is reunited with Rene and the two couples embrace.
: God appears before Holden and slaps him, saying she's not his fucking whore and Holden explodes. Dante, reunited with his true love, tells the Metatron that he has accepted his being the Last Clerk. Metatron pats Dante's stomach and says, "Actually, this is the Last Clerk." "Really?" says Dante. "I'm pregnant?" Metatron shakes his head. "Actually I meant him." He points to Randal who is selling a small child cigarettes.
: An executive from ABC tells Svenning that the show was a disaster and that the only good part of it was Brodie. He offers Brodie his own animated sitcom but Silent Bob intervenes and knocks the executive unconscious.
: The End