Posted by Sir James Lacaita at bpr5-166.ih2000.net on September 28, 2000 at 22:08:48:
In Reply to: Someone, tell me something about Kevin! posted by Adwarf on September 28, 2000 at 21:09:57:
Kevin was born to two immigrants: Helga Raddimash, and Olaf Smith. They had come here from Russia and were looking for religious refuge. They gave up their search and settled for Red Bank. Kevin Smith was a happy child, born on the eleventeenth of Octember. He grew up as most black chilren in those days did-hungry, angry, and black. He lived in a small apartment complex in Red Bank, New Jersey until he was ten, when his father died of Goshvelter's Syndrome. Continuing to live in the apartment caused pain is Widow Smith so she decided to move. A few years later she returned and decided to take her children with her. She once said of the move "If I ever run into financial trouble, I can always sell them on the black market, no pun intended."
Kevin, his mother, and seven brothers and sisters (Susanne, Amy, Walter, Willam, Rene, Brodie, and Veronica) moved to Iowa where they raised sheep on an unsuccessful potato farm. Two brothers and 1 sister died in the Great Iowan Hurricane of '82, but they continued trying to farm potatoes. He lived there until he was 21. He once again moved.
He decided to move back to New Jersey and began living in a Quick Stop in a nearby city called Leonardo. After a while the manager gave him a job there, (after all, he was already sleeping in the unlit bathroom) and, while working there, he met Jason Mewes who worked at the RST video next door. Jason would always close down the RST and come over to Quick Stop to watch pornos and give Kevin bits of advice to help him on his quest of making an epic tale.
Kevin's dream had always been to write a religious epic about the struggle between Heaven and Hell, good and evil, right and wrong, the oppressed versus the oppressors, a tale about class v.s. class, Heaven and Earth, and brother against brother. He eventually gave up and wrote Dogma. He was proud of it nonethless, but he wasn't satisfied with his financial state and decided to write other movies and become a big Hollywood star before releasing his "new, and revised" religious epic.
He wrote, directed, and acted in Clerks. It became a huge success and after two more movies which he also wrote, directed, and acted in (Mallrats and Chasing Amy) he finally would be able to make his religious epic, unfortunately the studios didn't approve of his original script so he rewrote it, adding a few small characters (Bethany Sloan, Bartleby & Loki, and Rufus) to make it more "real" as the producers put it, and changing the plot from a story of a battle between Heaven and Earth, and Heaven and Hell, to something about a guy stuck in a coma in New Jersey. It too was a success.
He is currently working on a new project called "Vaginal Affection 5" starring Regis Philbin and Pheobe Cates as Aunt Hildemar. After that he will release "Fletch Won", a prequel to the two previous Fletch films and will star Chevy Chase. Since it's a prequel he (Chevy Chase) will have to undergo 5 hours of make-up each day to add 16 years to his current age of 56. So goes the story of the one called Kevin.
-David "Hi, I'm David, welcome to A&E's Biography" Kirkland