Posted by biggybg98 at jmarino.resnet.sunysb.edu on April 16, 2001 at 11:44:46:
...We were losers before it was cool to be losers.
My name is John Marino. I am nineteen years old and attend the University of Stonybrook( a miserable place)...like you give a shit. This message goes out to Kevin or anyone who is interested...I'd like you to hear some of our experiences, our stories, and the crazy shit we that we do on a regular basis. My friends and I always said that our lives would always make a fantastic and fascinating movie or sitcom. They're not the usual stories about the drunken high school or college experience.I'm sure you get these emails a lot but just give us a chance. Here's a little something that will explain who we are...actually it's a lot....bear with...
.....In the dying days of the twentieth century, the people of earth, victims
to social persecution and injustice on a global scale, cried out for heroes
to deliver them from the pain of modern injustice. They cried out for the
Woodside League.
Small children from the projects wanting only to be able to safely walk to
best buy to play video games........ cried out for the Woodside League.
Thugs and street toughs... deluded into thinking their gold chained..
fatassed girlfriend ....souped up honda lifestyle was actually an acceptable
form of human life, unknowingly cried out for the Woodside League.
Cab drivers.... driven into complete boredom by being chained to their seats
for 15 hours a day, wanting nothing more than just a little excitement to
brighten their monochrome existences.......cried out for the Woodside League.
Young Lovers.... standing on a street corner about to face the inevitably
awkward first kiss, wishing only that they had the courage to make the first
move, and put the doubt and self conciousness behind them so that could
indeed just kiss already... cried out for the Woodside League.
Middle aged african american men on I95, wanting nothing more than an eyefull
of porn on their long commute to work, so that for the first time in 10 years
they could have an erection....... cried out, for the Woodside League.
Closet Homosexual pedestrians, walking the streets of manhattan looking just
like ordinary citizens, seeking some way to reveal their true selves, wishing
if only someone could just have the strength to help them and loudly
pronounce it to the world for them.... cried out for the Woodside League.
Handicapped persons, yet unaware of their disability and still trying to
function in ways not possible to a person of their faculties, needing only
someone to point out the fact that they are indeed...blind...fat....or
ugly..... cried out for the Woodside League.
A world full of hurt and longing. A world full of pain and suffering.. cried
out...
.......and was answered.
From the far reaches of Woodside, came forth Earth's greatest heroes
The Great Martini: Leader and founding member of the Woodside League,
Drunkard James Magee has become the spiritual heart of the League. The
victim of agent orange testing during vietnam, Magee is forced to constantly
replenish his bodies supply of h2o2 by drinking massive doses of alchohilic
substances. While crippling him however, the chemical mixture did grant him
extraordinary powers, including the ability to raise his body temperature
degrees higher, enabling him to sleep on living room couches without blankets
or clothing.
The Caffein-ator: Second in command, and much like a son to the Great
Martini, Patrick Magee was the first member of the league, formed under the
tutelage of the Martini. Born with an amino deficiency, it was realized
early in his life that Magee would require a chemical uniquely found in the
coffee beans of south america to live. While in a restaurant as a teen,
Magee sampled a cup of coffee. The ground up concentration of coffee in the
mixture immiediatly began to change his metabolic and chemical state,
granting him incredible intelectual abilities. Unfortunately, the increased
metabolism acheived after imbibing the hot beverage, burned the excess fat
cells in his body, leaving him little stored energy from which to draw
strength. He must forever balance the use of his power with a healthy diet,
to prevent himself from growing even weaker.
Drew Gorgeous: It was often rumored that the combination of stunning good
looks and weak intelect would form an awesome weapon, if properly controlled.
Towards that end the "Weapon Y" project was undertaken by the Canadian
government in 1971. 11 years later they presented the culmination of their
work to the American government for sale as the most important military
discovery since the atom bomb. That work was named Andrew Brusca.
Genetically engineered to develop both incredible good looks, and
inconceivable stupidity, Brusca became Canada's best hope for victory in the
cold war. Over the course of the 80's Brusca was used by the American CIA to
successfully, and idiotically perform hundreds of missions behind the Iron
Curtain, arguably bringing the soviet union to its knees single handedly.
After the fall of the Berlin Wall, and his usefulness no longer required
Brusca's memory was wiped and he was placed with a family in Woodside to live
a normal life in the most intelectually non-challenging position possible....
a GAP sales associate.
Prince Yogi The Sub- Pornographer: The last son of the famed "Lost city of
Chunchilla", Johan Calibar at first wished death and destruction upon the
people who lived "above the basement" Growing then to love the "top
worlders" Calibar dedicated his life to their protection. Using explosive
flatulence to lay low the wicked, Calibar has also provided much needed
natural gas surpluses to impoverished third world countries for heating homes
and cooking, receiving three times the nobel peace prize for his efforts.
While being able to live about sea level for short periods of time, Calibar
must return to his "Fortress of Spankitude" to revitalize himself with chop
meat, rice, and porn.
Big Dirty Hero: A failed experiment in the "Weapon Y" program, being both too
inteligent, and too belligerently reckless to be succesfully employed in war,
Aurelio Vigoa was scheduled for termination by the Canadian government.
Escaping to Mexico, Vigoa was forced to live as an actor in a mexican
pornography troupe. Being physically attractive, but not quite as stupid as
the Canadians had intended, Vigoa found ways to use his incredibly physique
to his advantage, seducing his enemies and friends sisters, and using his
attractiveness as a sword to cut at the seven headed dragon of injustice. He
has one weakness, a safety measure built in by the Candadian government to
control their projects, known the Anal contingency. Knowing the possibility
of Soviet agents turning "Weapon Y" operatives, "to the other side" a
protocol was built into their minds that once anal sex had been expierienced
by a "Weapon Y" operative, the drive to buttfuck would eventually drive them
insane. The confrontational nature, and almost complete unwillingness to
back down present in Vigoa's personality, comes from his constant struggle to
restrain the ever present madness that is pounding away at his ass..... I
mean mind.
Commander Cautionary Tale: A once normal Italian Irish teenager, John Marino
was transformed into "Commander Cautionary Tale" by a series of the worst
luck any human being has ever expierienced in the history of the world. Able
to completely stun his enemies with his tale of incredible woe, Marino only
need speak a few words about the incredible misfortunes he has undergone in
his life to incapacitate with either laughter, or abject sympathy, even the
most hardened evil doer he may encounter. Like Vigoa, his power comes with a
price. The unending stream of incredibly and unforseeably horrible
expieriences has left Marino psychologically fragmented. His mind a
battleground of, attempted coolness, abject misery, bitter hatred, and the
undying hero complex, Marino toes the thin line between sanity and sheer
raving lunacy on a daily basis.
Guy Gook: As part of a high school prank, friends replaced the solution
Christopher Smith used to wash his contact lenses in, with hydrocloric acid.
Smith, a white irish catholic, thought he had nothing to fear from his
trusted Hindu, Indian friends. After seeming to wash his contacts well, smith
had no fear of the strange smell coming from his contact lense case and
placed them on his eyes. Upon placing the lenses into his eyes however,
Smith became aware of the horrible prank that had been played on him. The
acid horribly burned and disfigured Smith's eyes, leaving them somewhat
slanted and almost "oriental looking". Using his "minority" disguise, smith
is able to move about in clandestine security, enabling him to infiltrate
caucasion conversation, while being all the while dismissed as a "Guk". The
accident however did end the friendship of smith and his Hindu friends, and
left Smith with a seething hatred for Indians, and "Bindi" 's of any kind.
The White Trasher: A young caucasion from queens, Thomas Irwin was well on
his way to becoming classic queens white trash. A tattoo, membership in a
frat, and a fat whoorish man-girlfriend had all set him on the way toward low
class pig farming white trashiness, until one day when he became drunk.
Drinking with other caucasion lowlives, Irwin became intoxicated. From that
intoxication Irwin drew incredible comic power. Unable to control their
laughter over his drunken comic antics, Irwin became able to control his
enemies with alchohol fueled precision. Still a novice, The Great Martini is
working with Irwin to develope this incredibly powerful talent.
The Intolerable-Man: Born into a family with a deep seated love of the game
of football, James Magee was expected to carry the family tradition of
athletic excellence into the 21st century. Unfortunately having been dropped
by the doctor seven times immiediately after being removed from the womb,
extensive brain damage prevented him from pursuing profesional sports. Known
to expierience fits of exasperating annoyingness, Magee possesses the power
to make people despise him so much as to attempt murder, his incredible size
affording him the ability to withstand most attacks. This second trait, a
result of the accidental brain damage at his birth while keeping him safe
from many physical attacks has taken its toll on his body in other ways.
Chemically imbalanced, Magee is unable to regulate the hair production on his
body. Requiring a full body shave three times daily, Magee is destined to
walk the earth, a lonely....... horrid.... hairy.... freak the rest of his
life.
The LEGEND-ary Matt-Fish: Half man, Half Fish, all penis. Born in a pond
near a nuclear plant, Matt Fish was later adopted by a loving couple in
Woodside, raised to beleive that he was in fact, completely human. On a
basketball court during a CYO game, after being made fun of for his
thirteenth missed field goal attempt, Strong underwent a change. His cheeks
began to suck in, and his face began to resemble that of a common aquatic
animal. With the change in physical appearence also came an incredible sense
of determination and self confidence. As time passed and Strong matured into
a man, a new power attribute began to surface. His package, began to swell
to the size of a can of campbell's soup, granting him incredible self
confidence. Armed with his hideous "Fish Face of intensity" and his
seemingly legendary endowment, Strong is able to conquer over the wicked, and
250 pound houses who's first names begin with "C".
They stand together against injustice. They stand for truth, for justice,
and the loser way. They are.....................................THE WOODSIDE
LEAGUE.
Woodside 9...bringin back the finger...goodnight