More details *possible cast spoilers*

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: : I transcribed the sucker yesterday for some friends of mine who have modems from the Jurassic age. If I got anything wrong, please, feel free to correct me (even though you would anyway). : Wow, this was quite an undertaking! That's dedication! I'm not correcting, just clarifying. :^) : : Now on to the the cut and paste. : : It opens with the words "View Askew Productions Presents" : : CUT to a military officer speaking into a phone: "We may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet." : That would be Will Ferrell playing Federal Wildlife Marshall Willenholly : : CUT to Jay and Silent Bob. They appear to be climbing into a van, and both look utterly overjoyed. Jay: "Ladies, ladies, ladies! Jay and Silent Bob are in the hi-zouse!" : : CUT to a really damn fast montage of images which includes (among other things; these are just the items I could make out): Jay (apparently) threatening a kid; the three female jewel thieves (one of whom is Eliza Dushku); : And the other two of which are Ali Larter (the blonde) and Jen Smith (the tall brunette) : :Jay and Silent Bob running like hell with what appears to be Susanne, the monkey from the end credits of "Mallrats;" two of the jewel thieves aiming guns; : Ali & Jen : :Jay and Silent Bob doing something-or-other (looks like dancing) at what I believe is the Quick Stop; : Looks to me like they're kicking the shit outta something, but they could be dancing : :Eliza Dushku tugging up her shirt; Jay laying down, shirtless, and yelling in fear at something; : In a bathtub full of ice with a wicked wound/scar on his back. And the next scene is someone being blown backward, seemingly from a shotgun blast, in a bar, with visible wire work (as so many have pointed out). : :Jay kissing some blonde; : Next comes some scene that looks like two chicks fighting and then... : :a band playing. : Not just any band, but Morris Day and the Time, executing one of their oh-so-smooth slide steps in unison. : : CUT to Jason Lee as Brodie from "Mallrats." He's standing in the comic book store, Comic Toast. : Or perhaps a different comic book store as seen in spoiler-laden shots from the Red Bank set. : :He asks someone off-camera: "Would you like a chocolate-covered pretzel?" and then gives the person a Shit-Eating Brodie Grin (TM). : Whilst holding out his hand in what can only be assumed to be the classic stink-palm gesture. : : : CUT to some chick whom I don't recognize (Shannon Elizabeth, perhaps?) saying, "There's something you don't see every day." : Yes, that's Shannon Elizabeth. : : CUT to George Carlin exclaiming, "Yeah!" : : CUT to a guy aiming a gun and declaring, "One rectal breach comin' up!" : That would be Judd Nelson. : : CUT to a guy saying, "Watch the language, little boy! There's females present." : Said guy is the Stifler dude, Seann Scott. : : CUT to the three jewel thieves. : Ali, Eliza, and Jen : : CUT to Jay, then to Silent Bob, with Jay yelling, "YO, LUNCHBOX, HURRY IT UP!" : : CUT to the jewel thieves again, this time in a closer shot. Eliza is in the middle. The blonde standing next to her (Ali) says, "Shut the fuck up before I shoot you where you stand in your pansy red booties." : : CUT to Eliza, saying with a very Faith-ish enthusiasm, "Stealing, boning, blowing shit up!" : : CUT to Jay and Silent Bob being knocked over by an explosion. : : CUT to the car that is exploding. : er, van... : : CUT to James Van Der Beek asking, "Wait a minute, who are you guys?" : Jason Biggs is standing next to Van Der Beek : : CUT to a tight close up of Jay that is rather wavery and has a home-camera feel to it. He's announcing, "I am the master of the clit!" : : CUT to Jon Stewart. He's standing in front of a blue screen and wearing a suit; it looks sort of like an episode of "The Daily Show." He says in complete news anchor seriousness, "We do want to say to you at home that the clit is not something [brief pause] to be played with." : : CUT to the military guy from the first shot. He's holding a rifle and yelling, "Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches!!" He shoots. : Again, Will Ferrell : : CUT to Steve Kmetko, cameoing from the set of "E! News Daily." He asks, "Is Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent Bob?" : : CUT to Joey Lauren Adams saying, "That'd never work as a movie." : JLA is walking past Renee Humphrey, giving us the first instance of Jones sisters being seen in the same movie. : : CUT to Jay and Silent Bob. Jay points off-screen and yells, "Affleck, you the bomb in Phantom, yo!" Silent Bob grabs him and drags him away. : : CUT to two guys, both wearing leather jackets. One is pissed off and says, "I don't know what the *fuck* you just said, little kid!" : The identity of the white guy is under much dispute, but the black guy is SNL's Tracy Morgan, he's the one who speaks. : : CUT to Brian O'Halloran as Dante Hicks and Jeff Anderson as Randal Graves, both from "Clerks." Randal points out to Dante, "If you were funnier than that, ABC would have never cancelled us (this?)." : I'm pretty sure it's "us." : : CUT to Chris Rock playing the director of "Bluntman and Chronic," and Jason Lee as Banky Edwards. Chris says, "Okay, Fuckin'?" Banky corrects him politely: "It's Banky." Chris answers sharply, "No, it is *Fuckin'*!" : And I agree with the other folk who said Rock is saying "Fucky" : : CUT to a shot of two chimps (one of whom may be Susanne.) Jay is voice-overing: "Does he say who's fuckin' playin' us in the movie?" : One of the chimps is not Suzanne because Suzanne is an orangutan, and these are clearly chimps. However, these chimps are dressed as Jay & Silent Bob : : CUT to Ben Affleck as Holden McNeil, sitting in front of a computer, answering Jay's question: "No, but it's Miramax, so I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, y'know. They put them in a bunch of movies." Heh. : : CUT to Shannen Doherty, yelling, "CUT!" and looking angry. : : CUT to the words "STRIKE BACK." Underneath: "August 24, 2001." : : CUT to Chris Rock saying, "I think George Lucas is gonna sue somebody!" : : CUT to the URL for the View Askew website: www.viewaskew.com. : Great work, though! That must have been painstaking! : *GG*

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