YOU BITE ME!!! (SPOILERS)

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: I guessed (correctly) almost the entire cast of the flick when it was just initials, also hypothesized the plot, but we both figured out who the Star City Slayer was around the same time. : The story of the Star City Slayer as a young boy... : --------------------------------------------------------------------------- : stanley AND HIS MONSTER : OPEN: : : INT. STANLEY'S BEDROOM-NIGHT : : A small BOY is kneeling at the end of his bed, praying. : STANLEY : ...And bless mommy, and daddy, and even Butch down the street even though he isn't that nice. Oh, and I really want a dog for Christmas. I know this is Santa's department, but I think he's ignoring me. I'm a good kid, and I don't ask for much. Just a dog. Oh well, I guess that's it. Amen. : : INT. HELL : : LUCIFER sits ominously before a red, furry DEMON. : LUCIFER : What's wrong with you? Don't you know that demons are supposed to be EVIL?! Demons aren't supposed to be picking flowers. There aren't even supposed to be flowers in Hell. I've been under a lot of stress lately, so I'll let you off easy. You're banished to Earth for all of eternity. Now get out of my site. : DEMON : Yes sir. : : INT. HELL-MONTHS LATER : : Hell...The most awful place you can imagine. Now under new management and guaranteed to be even worse. : A MAN that more resembles a Heavenly Angel than a representative of Hell is reading the last name off of a very long list. : ANGEL : Zzzxxynax : (Spit/drool) : Bite-Your-Dog's-Head-Off Zznoq? : : A DEMON in the back row amidst millions of others raises his hand : ZZZXXYNAX : Here. : ANGEL : Done! Well, all of the demons are back in Hell and we can get down to work. : A SECOND ANGEL walks up to him holding a sign that says "Hold it" : ANGEL : What, oh Angel of Silence? : (He reads another card held up by the SECOND ANGEL) : I missed one? But how--? Ah, a nameless one. How gauche. : (He speaks loudly) : Ahem, Nameless One? : ANONYMOUS DEMON : He ain't here : ANGEL : Oh, well...He what?!?! : ANONYMOUS DEMON : He's on Earth. : ANGEL : What? Another one?! No, this will not do at all. Etrigan is bad enough, but there is no excuse for two of them running around loose. We must deal with this at once, Duma. : : INT. HELL-AMIDST THE CROWD : : The ANONYMOUS DEMON is speaking to a few others around him. : SECOND DEMON : Hey, why din'cha tell ‘em that Lord Lucifer exiled him to Earth, because he was contaminated by good? : FIRST DEMON : What? And tell those fly-boys that they might make a mistake? : : The entire CROWD bursts into laughter : ANGEL : (Thinking) : I have a bad feeling about this. : : INT. EARTH-LOS ANGELES-STANLEY'S ATTIC-NIGHT : : Earth...The most awful place you can imagine, if you live in Los Angeles. Other than that, it's pretty neat. : It has been several months since the Nameless One left Hell. Since then, he has found a friend in Stanley Dover, the boy who wanted a dog. Stanley is your average child. He's a good kid, but can sometimes be mischievous. : The two of them are exploring the treasures hidden within the attic of Stanley's home. The Nameless One is dressed in a polyester disco suit, red fur almost bursting through the seams. : STANLEY : Hey, here's some more stuff from the bicentennial! : (Ahem) : ‘My friends, taxes are too high and the government treats us like idiots, so I'm revolting!' : NAMELESS ONE : At least you had an excuse. Look at this, Stanley. Hey, let's disco, mama! : Stanley continues to rummage through cardboard boxes labeled "Fragile" and "National Lampoon" "When it was funny". He comes across a book and blows some dust off of it. : STANLEY : Look, here's a book. : NAMELESS ONE : Not another copy of ‘Jonathan Livingston Seagull', is it? : NAMELESS ONE begins eating the polyester suit. : STANLEY : No...Here, take a look. : NAMELESS ONE finishes eating the suit as Stanley hands him the book. : NAMELESS ONE : (Off suit) : Yum, genuine polyester! : (Off book) : ‘The Heterodyne Boys Big Book of Fun!' Looks pretty old. : STANLEY : Mom's a librarian. She taught me how to check-- Wow! 1912! This is old! : NAMELESS ONE is eating a Rubix Cube : NAMELESS ONE : So what is it? : STANLEY : It's a book on how to build stuff. Look, ‘How to Build a Fish Trap',...‘How to Build a Zeppelin',...'How to..Oh wow! : Stanley opens the book so his Monster can see what he's so excited about. : The books reads "How to Build a Tree Fort" : STANLEY : Yeah. : NAMELESS ONE : Your mother will never allow it. : STANLEY : So who'll tell her? : Stanley's MOTHER calls from downstairs. : MOTHER : Stanley!! Dinner!! : MONSTER : (To Stanley) : Better get going, your parents still think me imaginary, and I'd hate to shatter an illusion like that before dinner. : STANLEY : Take this book back to my room, and don't eat it. : NAMELESS ONE : Stanley, you wound me. : (Off very large stack of magazines) : ‘Sides, I already have this delicious stack of National Geographics, thank you. : Stanley hurries off down the stairs : : INT. KITCHEN-MOMENTS LATER : : MOM : Did you wash your hands? That attic is filthy. : STANLEY : Uh-huh. : MOM : Find anything interesting? : STANLEY : Um, no...I mean, yeah! This neat hat! : He holds an old beaten up hat in the air : MOM : Hat off the table, anything else? : Stanley's DAD walks in the room : : STANLEY : I dunno. What are ‘8-track tapes'? : DAD : The CDS of the seventies. : MOM : Mmm, yes, you did have a rather large collection, didn't you? : DAD : It seemed like a good idea at the time. : STANLEY : Hey dad, what's a ‘Heterodyne Boy'? : MOM : The Heterodyne Boys? : DAD : Oh no, you've roused the sleeping librarian. : STANLEY : You know about ‘em? : MOM : Why, yes. Bill and Barry, the Heterodyne Boys, were the heroes of a series of adventure books for boys written around the turn of the century by Charles Ott! : DAD : Yes! I remember them now. My grand-dad gave me his set! I didn't know they were up in the attic! : : EXT. FRONT YARD-DAY-FLASHBACK : : A young Mitch Dover is sitting under a tree, reading a ‘Heterodyne Boys' book titled "Mystery of the Cast Iron Glacier" : DAD : (VO/CONT'D) : "I thought they'd be boring, but I was astounded! : The first one I read was ‘The Heterodyne Boys and their Anthracite Burning Earth Orbiter'. I must have read all of them half a dozen times." : : EXT. BATTLE FIELDS : : A YOUNG MAN is standing heroically atop a hill of beaten men shaking an OLDER MAN's hand. : DAD : (VO/CONT'D) : "According to contemporary sources, they were real people, like Doc Savage, or The Shadow." : : INT. KITCHEN : : Stanley's eyes go wide as his father tells him about the books. : MOM : I must say, I'm surprised you know so much about them, Mitch. : MITCH : Well, I'd heard about them before I saw the books. They were legendary among the boys I grew up with. There was this one book of theirs that everybody wanted. It wasn't a novel, but a book on how to-- : Stanley is shocked, and "accidentally" knocks over his glass of milk. : STANLEY : Oops!! : MOM : Stanley! What are you doing? : STANLEY : Um...sorry. : MOM : And we're out of paper towels. : MITCH : I'll get the sponge, honey. : Stanley looks at his father sternly : STANLEY : Jeez, dad, you'll ruin everything! : MITCH : Huh? : Stanley runs upstairs as his mother walks in with some paper towels. She cleans up the mess he left behind as Mitch sits at the table, dumbfounded. : MOM : Stanley, sometimes I think...Where'd he go? : MITCH : Up to his room. I think he's up to something. : : MOM : When isn't he? : MITCH : Yeah, but he seems to think that I'm in on it with him. : His wife picks him up by his shirt collar : MOM : Okay, talk. My government is prepared to offer complete amnesty and lots of smooches. : MITCH : I know nothing! But a few of those smooches might jar my memory. : : INT. STANLEY'S BEDROOM-NIGHT : : Stanley walks in to see his monster sitting on the bed, reading the book, and wearing a fez on his head. The TV plays in the background. : STANLEY : Well? : : NAMELESS ONE : A wonderful book, Stanley! It tells us everything we need to know! : TELEVISION VOICE #1 : (Background) : Captain, sensors indicate a Krell Battle Cruiser. : TV VOICE #2 : (Background) : Sacre Mackerel! Prepare to surrender Number One! : Stanley and his Monster begin reading through the book as the TV continues in that background. : STANLEY : Great! Tomorrow we find the right tree! : NAMELESS ONE : What's our criteria? : STANLEY : One you won't break. : NAMELESS ONE : Ah. : TV VOICE #1 : (Background) : My mistake, Captain, it's just an asteroid. : TV VOICE #2 : (Background) : Oh, well, can't we surrender anyway? : : BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE : : EXT. CAPTAIN CLOTHSPIN SECRET HEADQUARTERS : : The Joker is yelling at one of his GOONS about the a-curs-ed CAPTAIN CLOTHSPIN. : JOKER : Confound that Captain Clothspin! He strikes from nowhere! He's ruined my every caper! And he doesn't laugh at my jokes!! : GOON : Jeez, Joker, nobody does that! : The Joker squirts the goon in the head with a water gun. He yelps and falls to the ground. : JOKER : You just talked yourself out of the sequel, smart guy. As for the Captain, I've captured his partner and tortured him into revealing the location of their secret headquarters. : He walks over to The Nameless One who is bound and gagged. Underneath the ropes is a barely visible cheesy purple sidekick costume. : JOKER : Okay, Captain! Show yourself! Or else the ‘Furry Wonder' gets it! : The Joker turns around continuing to try and coax Captain Clothspin out of hiding. We see a ‘Kick Me' sign on his back. No doubt one of his ‘jokes'. : JOKER : Come on, boy, I'm not joking! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! : All right then-- : The Joker turns around again to face the Furry Wonder to see that he is gone! He flips his wig. : JOKER : What?! He's gone?! But how?!! : He looks up to see the Furry Wonder and Captain Clothspin above him in a tree fort. CC raises his hand holding a water balloon. : CAPTAIN CLOTHSPIN : That's right. Now surrender, or else we'll pelt you with water balloons! : The Joker, worried and sweating, holds his water gun against his own temple. : JOKER : : (Sob) : How can I fight against that? : He squirts himself with the water gun : CUT TO : : EXT. CAPTAIN CLOTHSPIN SECRET HQ-MINUTES LATER : : BATMAN is shaking hands with the Captain as a POLICE OFFICER leads away a tied up Joker. : BATMAN : Thanks, Captain. : CAPTAIN CLOTHSPIN : Anytime. Try to keep him locked up this time, ‘eh? : : END DREAM SEQUENCE : : EXT. MR. VICK'S YARD-THE NEXT DAY : : Stanley and his Monster stare at a large, stocky tree in the middle of a yard covered in "No Trespassing" and "Squirrels Will Be Shot" signs. : STANLEY : There's only one tree on our whole block that's any good. : : NAMELESS ONE : It is a beauty. So what's wrong with it? : STANLEY : It belongs to this old guy who hates people climbing in it. : Stanley and the Nameless One walk around, thinking. They meander towards Mr. Vick's lair. : NAMELESS ONE : But you don't want to jus' ‘climb in it', you want to build in it. : STANLEY : That's better? : : NAMELESS ONE : Maybe, tell him you want a job. : STANLEY : A job?! As what? : : EXT. MR VICK'S HOME-SECONDS LATER : Mr. Vick stands before Stanley, somewhat confused. : MR. VICK : Caretaker? : : STANLEY : Yessir, Mr. Vick, of your big tree. I'd keep people away from it and rake the leaves in the fall, and...and everything! : Mr. Vick looms over Stanley : MR. VICK : I suppose you want to be paid for this? : STANLEY : No, sir. : MR. VICK : No? : STANLEY : Nope. : MR. VICK : So what's the catch? : STANLEY : Well...I'd need an office. : MR. VICK : An office? : Stanley holds up the book to show Mr. Vick the plans for his tree fort. : STANLEY : Yessir. I figured I'd put it in the tree, so it wouldn't hurt the grass. Here's the plans, see? : MR. VICK : I should've known it would be something like--! : His expression softens to curiosity : MR. VICK : Say...Is that...'The Heterodyne Boys Big Book of Fun'? : STANLEY : Uh, yeah. : Mr. Vick bites his lip : MR. VICK : The one with ‘How to Build a Zeppelin'? : STANLEY : Page 147, why? : : INT. MR. VICK'S HOUSE : : The two are sitting at a small table in a quaint, old house. That's Mr. Vick: Quaint and old. A small turtle slowly paces around the room with a Superman cape on it's back. We see a small doggy bowl with his name on it: Floyd. On the table sits a tacky lamp with a mermaid holding up the socket and bulb. : They are drinking hot cocoa as Mr. Vick fondly goes through the book. : MR. VICK : My father had one of these up in his attic. When I found it I almost fainted from the excitement. I wanted to build that Zeppelin so bad that I could taste it. : STANLEY : Yeah? : MR. VICK : Uh-huh. Me and my buddy, Sam, got into our only fight over what to name her. I wanted to call her ‘The Sarah Brewster', after...well, he wanted to call it ‘The Nautilus' : STANLEY : So what happened? : : MR. VICK : My mother found out about it. Told us it was too dangerous...and burned the book. : STANLEY : No! : MR. VICK : Yup. My ol' man didn't talk to her for three weeks. : : Mr. Vick's demeanor suddenly turns sour : MR. VICK : And now you want to take this dangerous tome and build a fort in my tree. : STANLEY : Um...Yessir. : Mr. Vick smiles : MR. VICK : Go for it, Stanley. : STANLEY : You mean it? : : MR. VICK : Yup. Just don't tell your mother I said you could do it. : STANLEY : Deal! : MR. VICK : Now, could I take another look at those Zeppelin plans? : : BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE : : INT. FORT-DAY : : Stanley and his Monster are in carpenters' uniforms working on the fort. They have blueprints spread out and the Nameless One has a hammer dangling from his mouth, as they look at the book. : STANLEY : Look here! It says that by adding these special corners, we can make this tree fort much bigger! : NAMELESS ONE : Careful, you don't want to make it too big. : STANLEY : I figure if we build it big enough for other kids, maybe we'll get some other kids, so the bigger the better! : : EXT. BOTTOM OF THE TREE : : A PORTLY CHILD is speaking to Stanley at the trunk of the tree. : PORTLY KID : Hi, my name's Renfrew. Me and my uncle moved into this neighborhood ‘cause we saw this neat tree fort. : STANLEY : I'm Stanley, come on in and you can help finish it. : RENFREW : Great! : : INT. TREE FORT : : Stanley is showing Renfrew around. A few more kids pop their heads in one of the windows. : RENFREW : Woo, it's a lot bigger than I thought it was. : STANLEY : And this is only the first floor! : KID #1 : Hey, guys, neat tree fort! Can we play, too? : STANLEY : Sure! C'mon in! : : INT. TREE FORT-MOMENTS LATER : : The fort is overrun with kids. They're piling up on each other, the fort begins creaking under the pressure : NAMELESS ONE : Stanley, the tree is bending because according to the sign-in sheet, we've got over five-hundred people in this fort! : STANLEY : Omigosh! That's too many! Somebody's gotta go! : : KIDS start shouting and fighting, and punching each other : VARIOUS KIDS : "Not me!" "Not me!" "Not me!" "Not me!" : : STANLEY : Stop fighting!! There's too many of you! You'll hurt the tree! I promised to take care of it! STOP!! : A booming voice comes from off screen : VOICE : Yes-STOP! : The kids all turn to see that it's SUPERMAN! : SUPERMAN : Now aren't you boys ashamed of yourselves for fighting? : KIDS : Ulp...yessir. : SUPERMAN : Now I want all of you to go home. : KIDS : Awww. Yessir. : SUPERMAN : (To Stanley) : And what about you, young man? : STANLEY : I'm Stanley Dover, an' I built this tree fort, I...I wanted it to be a club house, but I guess it didn't work. : Superman puts his hand on Stanley's shoulder : SUPERMAN : Nonsense, Stanley. This will be a wonderful clubhouse. The others will love it. : STANLEY : What others? : SUPERMAN : The other super-heroes, of course. : Stanley turns to see heroes like Martian Hunter, Plastic Man, Blue Beetle, Green Arrow, and Green Lantern. We see the outline of the dream bubble, and just outside of it, Stanley is sleeping, tossing and turning. : PLASTIC MAN : What a nice place! I'm glad the old one got destroyed...again. : BLUE BEETLE : (Rushing in with a TV set) : Gangway! : MARTIAN HUNTER : Well, we'll see how man super-villain attacks it takes to destroy this one. : GREEN ARROW : (Pointing to Stanley, outside of the bubble) : Look, someone is watching us. : Stanley wakes up : : INT. STANLEY'S BEDROOM-NIGHT : : STANLEY : Okay!!...We keep it nice and small. : : EXT. UP IN THE TREE-THE NEXT DAY : : Stanley and the Nameless One are up in the tree. Stanley is excited while his Monster seems a bit nervous. : STANLEY : Okay, this is where we'll build! The first thing we'll need is wood. Dad's got some old lumber in the garage... : NAMELESS ONE : Er...not anymore, I ate it : STANLEY : Oh, hey! The Rosenthals are having a new porch built. : : NAMELESS ONE : What happened to the old one? : STANLEY : Something ate it, remember? : NAMELESS ONE : My, what a lovely view from up here. : STANLEY : Maybe the builder's got some extra wood. : : EXT. ROSENTHALS'S BACKYARD-A FEW MINUTES LATER : : Stanley is speaking to the BUILDER : BUILDER : I might. What'cha need? : STANLEY : About 150 feet of two by fours, 10 feet of one by twos, and... : BUILDER : Hold it! Hold it!! What are you gonna do with all that?! : STANLEY : Build a tree fort. : BUILDER : Forget it. That's too much wood. You don't know what'cher doin'. : STANLEY : Yes I do. I got plans and everything. They're in the book. : BUILDER : Book? What book? : Stanley opens the book to show him. : BUILDER : Holy Hannah! Is this the one with ‘How to Build a Suspension Bridge? : : STANLEY : Page 37. : BUILDER : Uh-huh...Uh-huh..Of course! Now I get it! Yeah! Heck, anybody could do this! : Stanley smiles : BUILDER : Thanks, kid. Tell you what I'll do. That's wood that I didn't need for this job. You can take all you want-- : STANLEY : Wow, thanks! : BUILDER : But--you gotta do it before the truck gets here to haul it back to the yard, and they're on their way, so y'better hop to it. : STANLEY : Okay, you can read the book while I work if, you want. : BUILDER : Sure. : Stanley walks off and the builder begins reading through the book and talking to himself. : BUILDER : Hey, look at this! ‘Build your own Hydroelectric Dam'. Hmm... : Stanley proudly approaches the builder. : STANLEY : Okay, I'm done. : The builder looks up to see that the whole stack of wood is gone. He's shocked, to say the least. : BUILDER : What the--?! How'd you do that?! : STANLEY : ‘Build your own Forklift', page 78. : Stanley begins to walk away with his book in his hands. : BUILDER : Haw! Okay, kid, you earned it. But I'll warn ya, don't tell yer ma! : (To himself) : I always wanted to finish that suspension bridge. : Stanley walks around the corner of the house, where we see his Monster standing there, holding the stacked wood. He looks sternly and Stanley : NAMELESS ONE : Stanley! You lied to that nice man, you don't have a forklift. : STANLEY : I didn't say that I did. I just told him that the plans to build one are on page 78. : NAMELESS ONE : (Sigh) : You're definitely a bad influence on me, Stanley. : --------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [James] : Dear Lord I'm so pathetic...

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