My favorite quotes from Clerks

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: Randal Graves: Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Randal Graves: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya, nothing personal. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Customer: Cute cat. What's his name? : Randal Graves: Annoying customer. : Customer: [grabs pack of cigarettes] Fuckin' dickhead. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Jay Phat Buds: What's up, baby? What's up, sluts? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Randal Graves: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Jay Phat Buds: I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Dante Hicks: Call the police! : Randal Graves: Why? : Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom that just raped Caitlin! : Randal Graves: She said she did all the work! : Dante Hicks: Will you shut the fuck up! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Randal Graves: There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [After losing a hockey ball from the roof.] : Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there? : Jay Phat Buds: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent? "Best of Both Worlds"? : Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame. : Dante Hicks: And you rented this? : Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Caitlin Bree: I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [repeated line] : Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"? : Dante Hicks: "Empire". : Randal Graves: Blasphemy! : Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Randal Graves: [reading a magazine] Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour? : Dante Hicks: What's a jizz-mopper? : Randal Graves: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off. : Dante Hicks: Nudie booth? : Randal Graves: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth? : Dante Hicks: I guess not. : Randal Graves: Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks. : Dante Hicks: What kinda show? : [Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels.] : Randal Graves: They do the weirdest, craziest shit you like to see chicks do. They insert things into any opening on their body - ANY opening. : Dante Hicks: Could we not talk about this right now? : Randal Graves: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away. : Customer: I will never come to this place again! : Dante Hicks: I'm sorry? : Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired! : Dante Hicks: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away. : Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me. : Randal Graves: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out! [Shows him graphic picture from porn mag.] I think you can see her kidneys! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie last year? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Randal Graves: They never rent anything good either. They always choose the most intellectually devoid stuff on the rack. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Dante Hicks: I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store. : Jay Phat Buds: I ain't dealin', man, what you talkin' about? : Customer: Hey, man, you got anything? : Jay Phat Buds: Yeah, man, what you want? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Customer: Are either one of these any good? [Randal ignores her.] Sir? : Randal Graves: What? : Customer: Are either one of these any good? : Randal Graves: I don't watch movies. : Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them? : Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs. : Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these? : Randal Graves: Nope. : Customer: [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two? : Randal Graves: Oh, they suck. : Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention! : Randal Graves: No, I wasn't. : Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate... : Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am. : Customer: I beg your pardon? : Randal Graves: Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me. : Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying! : Randal Graves: And, I hope it feels good. : Customer: You hope WHAT feels good? : Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? : Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here! : Randal Graves: You'll be missed. : Customer: Screw you! : [leaves] : Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Customer: What do you mean there's no ice! I have to drink this coffee hot? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Dante Hicks: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie... : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Silent Bob: You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Randal Graves: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom." : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Randal Graves: I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Dante Hicks: Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him! : Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him. : Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick! : Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around. : Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys? : Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people. : Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous! : Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood! : Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said! : Veronica Loughran: Please calm down. : Dante Hicks: How many? : Veronica Loughran: Dante... : Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked? : Veronica Loughran: Let it go! : Dante Hicks: How many? : Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked! : Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many? : [long pause as customer buys something] : Dante Hicks: Well? : Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36. : Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36? : Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice. : Dante Hicks: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me? : Veronica Loughran: Ummm...37. : Dante Hicks: I'm 37?! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Dante Hicks: My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks! : Customer: In a row? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Dante Hicks: Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Customer: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys, that's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Dante Hicks: But you hate people. : Randal Graves: Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Chewlies Gum Rep: Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please, sell me something that will stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Dante Hicks: What's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter.] : Woman with daughter: Excuse me, do you sell videos? : Randal Graves: Yeah, what're you looking for? : Woman with daughter: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. : Randal Graves: Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again? : Woman with daughter: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. : Daughter: Happy Scrappy... : Woman with Daughter: She loves it. : Randal Graves: Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh...yeah...Oh, wait, and, what was that called again? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Jay Phat Buds: I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade. : Dante Hicks: If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one. : Sanford: So? : Dante Hicks: So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades? : Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker? : Dante Hicks: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks. : Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey! : Randal Graves: He's blunt, but he's got a point. : Dante Hicks: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here? : Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink. : Randal Graves: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade. : Sanford: Fuckin' A! : Dante Hicks: All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Randal Graves: I could do without the customers in the video store. : Dante Hicks: Which ones? : Randal Graves: All of them.

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