My favorite quotes from Dogma

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: Jay: If you know so much, tell me something about myself. : Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone else on the planet. : Jay: Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something else. : Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys. : [Silent Bob starts to look freaked out.] : Jay: [to Bob] Dude, not ALL the time! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: Wax on, wax off. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey. : Bethany: New Jersey. : Metatron: Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day. Agreed? : Bethany: That doesn't sound like a crusade. : Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it. : Bethany: What's the fine print? : Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Damn, this is good tequila. : Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that. : Metatron: "Damn, this is good tequila"? : Bethany: The first part. : Metatron: Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bethany: What's he like? God? : Metatron: Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support. : Bethany: What, more angels? : Metatron: Prophets. Although they don't quite get it yet. You'll know them right away: one speaks, the other listens. The one who speaks -- and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not -- will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll be helpful just the same. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bethany: Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around? : Jay: We're here to pick up chicks. : Bethany: Excuse me? : Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Jay: See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in Shermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a bus. But when we got here, you know what we found out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower. : Jay: I can't wait to die. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me -- a muse, for God's sake! I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write a grocery list. : Bethany: What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them. : Serendipity: That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Loki: I love fucking with the clergy. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [To shocked passenger, after throwing Bartleby off the train] : Silent Bob: No ticket! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: You people! If it hasn't been made into a movie, it's not worth knowing about, is that it? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Loki: Our last two days on Earth. If I had a dick I'd go get laid. Well, let's do the next best thing. : Bartleby: What's that? : Loki: Let's kill people. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Jay: The whole fucking world's against us, I swear to God. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bethany Sloane: Sex is a joke in heaven? : Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey] : Bethany Sloane: I want to go with you. : Jay: What, steady? ...OK, but you pay the rent and Silent Bob has to live with us. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks] : Bethany Sloane: What gear are you in? : Jay: "Gear"? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [About Christ.] : Rufus, the 13th Apostle: What He really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Loki: Church laws are fallible because they're created by man. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist. : Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bartleby: This from the guy who still owes me ten dollars from a bet over which was going to be the bigger movie, E.T. or Krush Groove. : Loki: Hey, fuck you man, because time's going to tell on that one. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bethany Sloane: You were martyred? : Rufus, the 13th Apostle: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by a huge fucking rock. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Jay: So what's up? You got a friend for Silent Bob, or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds. : Bethany Sloane: You're a man of principle. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bethany Sloane: May I ask what brought you here? : Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes. : Bethany Sloane: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes? : Jay: You know that guy, too? That fuckin' guy. He made this flick "Sixteen Candles." Not bad. There's tits in it, but no bush, but Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing 'cause he's, like, all in love with this John Hughes guy. He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fuckin' "Breakfast Club," where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fuckin' "Weird Science," where this chick wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't 'cause it's a PG movie. And then, "Pretty in Pink," which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore, 'cause every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And there's nothing worse than watchin' a fuckin' fat man weep. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: You tell someone you're a Metatron, they stare at you blankly. You mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone is a theology scholar! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Gun Salesman: We call this next item "The Fecalator." One look at it, and the target shits his or her pants. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bethany Sloane: You knew Jesus? : Rufus, the 13th Apostle: Knew him? Nigga owes me twelve bucks. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Loki: May it never be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results. : Bartleby: You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a strip club.] : Bethany: What are you doing? : Jay: Proving to this bastard I ain't gay! : Bethany: What? : Rufus: Long story, forget it. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the faces you people make mid-coitus. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Serendipity: So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from volunteering for the military in time of service. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [Standing beside Bethany's car, its engine burned out.] : Jay: Like I ever drove before... : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Rufus, the 13th Apostle: You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ. : Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled. : Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled? : Liz: In more ways than one. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [Angels have no genitalia.] : Metatron: See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're speaking to themselves. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: So once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. In the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one that doesn't involve slaughter. So a very inebriated Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us, because from that day forward, God decreed that all angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bethany: Were they sent to Hell? : Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bethany: I don't know what to say... or think... except... : Jay: That you want to offer us sex as a reward. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Jay: All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you fuck us then? : Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure. : Jay: She's a slut! Bunnnng! : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Loki: I can spot a commandment-breaker a mile away. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Jay: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Jay: Guys like us don't just fall out of the sky, you know! [Rufus falls naked out of the sky.] Beautiful naked women with big titties don't just fall out of the sky, you know! [nothing] Worth a try. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Rufus: If you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Rufus: In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no! And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention that fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Loki: Do you know what makes a human being decent? : Bartleby: Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment, lives shrouded in secrecy even from one another. But not from God. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Serendipity: I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time. : Bethany: Nineteen? : Serendipity: The one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Serendipity: Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Serendipity: When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bartleby: Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what should be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [On Christ] : Rufus: He likes to hear people talk. Says it sounds like music to Him. Christ loved to sit around the fire and listen to me and the other guys. Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit, He always had a smile on His face. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bethany: You're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing? : Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [On Christ] : Rufus: The Man loved being human. Probably why He was so good at it. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bartleby: The humans have besmirched everything bestowed on them. They were given Paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He's shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I once asked you to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise! WHERE WAS HIS INFINITE FUCKING PATIENCE THEN?! IT'S NOT FAIR! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time we went home? : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin. : Rufus: Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Mary, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Bethany: I don't want this, it's too big. : Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father--not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all untrue. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, something I've never told anyone before... if I had the power, I would have. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: You are Bethany Sloane. Nobody can take that away from you, not even God. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take? : Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point: God's a Skee-Ball fanatic. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Rufus: So what do we do now? : Metatron: I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Metatron: Good Lord, the little stoner's got a point. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young. : Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry? : Cardinal Glick: Oh, if only we had their numbers. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am! : Cardinal Glick: Cute. : Rufus: Worked for Moses. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake! : Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes! : Rufus: What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade? : Bethany: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust? : Cardinal Glick: All right, mistakes were made. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Serendipity: How? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out. : Azrael: Oh no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : [Bartleby and Loki slaughter parishioners outside a church] : Loki: You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only they'd let us jerk off. : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Jay: Get offa me! I wanna see what's up! What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head? : Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there? : Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking? : Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes. : Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head?! I want some-- : [God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints.] : -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- : Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on. : Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this... : Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like. : Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gamorreh, I had to do all the work. : Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires! : Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference. : Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure. : Loki: You know, fuck you, man, any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting practice one can engage in. Next to soccer.

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