Posted by TheClerkCalledFreeway at h24-79-46-43.cg.shawcable.net on March 07, 2002 at 22:20:38:
How To Be A Newbie and Not Get Flamed
by TheClerkCalledFreeway
*I* was a newbie once...it's true. But I learned two important lessons, and these I will pass on...to you.
Lesson the first: READ THE DAMNED SUMMARIES. This will lessen the number of stupid questions that you ask, and stupid questions lead to flaming.
Lesson the second: Don't post pointless things, like saying "Hi" to your mom or something. If we won't like reading it, don't post it. As a wise person once said; "A wise man speaks because he has something to say, a fool because has has to say something."
Now, to further lessen the number of stupid questions, here is a quick summary of my own entitled: READ THE DAMNED SUMMARIES:
Q: Can I be in a movie?
A: NO. DON'T ASK EVER. EEEEVER. (But...)EEEEVER!
Q: Can I have a job?
A: NO! I can't give you a job, and Kevin won't give you a job based upon a couple posts. Get a REAL job, gain a reputation and a following, build up a solid resume, then send it to Kevin as a professional way of asking for a job. But still, DON'T ASK HIM HERE. The main page has a mailing address, bug them with your RESUMES only.
Q: KEVIN! What do you think of my new script?
A: He doesn't. He won't read it. Legally, he can't. Intellectual property laws and whatnot forbade Kevin (well, he forbades himsefl) from reading other peoples' work (especially if they don't have an agent or representation) because he may unconsciously use your ideas. One thing leads to another, and he gets sued. HE DOESN'T LIKE TO GET SUED, so to lessen the amount of lawsuits (especially after Dogma), he just doesn't read scripts.
Q: What? No more Kevin Smith movies? WHAT??
A: You're an idiot. There will be no more JAY & SILENT BOB movies. EVER. (Except for the cartoon...) KEVIN STILL MAKES MOVIES, JUST NOT PART OF THE "ASKEWNIVERSE". OK?
Q: So, what's Kevin Smith's next project(s)?
A: Jersey Girl (a story based upon his experiences as a husband & father), Clerks: Sell Out (yet another Clerks cartoon extravaganza, story TBA), Fletch Won (Jason Lee as the young Irwin "Fletch" Fletcher)... Oh, and he's also appearing in Jeff Anderson's directorial debut Now You Know (due out sometime this year).
Q: If you could be a comic book character, who would you be?
A: How does one decide...er...comics are for kids, lady.
Q: Which comics does Kevin write?
A: Green Arrow & Black Cat (due out soon from Marvel). But he's finishing Green Arrow soon and starting The Brave and The Bold (DC), starring Batman & guest stars!
Q: Is Jay Mewes on drugs?
A: Who cares? It's none of our damned business.
Q: Is ________ on drugs?
A: Shut up...read above.
Q: Is ________ married?
A: Yes. Everyone's married. Don't ask.... Well, not EVERYONE, but I don't think that people expect to hook up on the WWWBoard. So, don't ask.
Q: I heard that ______ and _______ broke up?
A: Don't care. Don't ask.
Q: How do I contact _________?
A: THIS you can ask, but politely and for NON-STALKING PURPOSES.
Oh, and try to stay on topic. Here, topic includes KEVIN SMITH, HIS MOVIES, STAR WARS & COMICS. If it doesn't pertain to one of those, put (OT) in the subject line before you post it so we don't read stupid posts. OK? And if you're just replying to somebody's post with a quick quip in the subject line, tag in (NT) (which means NO TEXT) in the subject heading, so that we don't SPEND HOURS READING EMPTY POSTS. Oh, and please don't come on here asking for money, booze, sex, or a job of any kind. (yes, ANY KIND). You will be promptly flamed and outcast from society.
Remember, we were all once newbies. But with this handy guide, perhaps one or more newbies will be LESS stupid than they usually are...
Thank you, and goodnight!