Posted by Ordell at p639-tnt1.mel.ihug.com.au on April 16, 2002 at 06:19:16:
... here is a brief synopsis:
Ben Affleck's character is called "Kelvin Smythie" and he's a hip but closeted homosexual film director. He falls in love with himself and own little universe. To shield his homosexual life, he pays a hot young journalist to pretend to be his wife and tells all of his fans via his website that they got married at Skywanker Ranch (this being the perfect cover because no-one but those few who were paid to shut up about the non-wedding can dispute its ever taking place). Throw in a young daughter who is actually a life like robot (ala A.I.) that Kelvin could afford to have built after years of fucking fanboys in the ass for merchandise to his films and all seems rosey. But Kelvin's life takes a horrible turn when he blows all of his earnings on chocolate milk, Marlboro Menthol cigarettes and hooded sweatshirts. He no longer has the money to keep his "wife's" silence. He can no longer afford to control "Hurley The Wonderbot" and must resort to giving blow jobs to fan boys at Comic-con's in a stall with a black cloth around the edge of it, and for $5 extra, Kelvin allows the fan boys to take a polaroid picture of the act.
So he's "outed" and Kelvin's close friends tell him that he has lost his edge, he continually throws them against a wall and tells 'em to "get fucked, you piece of shit" etc, etc.
This goes on from page 60 to page 140. Over and over Kelvin shoves people against the wall and tells 'em that he's "the man" and that they're nothing without him. This will allow Affleck and Smith to do what they do best:
Affleck - yelling
Smith - watching Affleck yelling
The final scene takes place in a mental institution with Kelvin under heavy sedation muttering over and over that the world's against him and that everyone's fucked in the head.
Not a bad read but the shoving against the wall gets tiresome after page 100.
FFWD TO: Academy Awards Show, 2004
... "and the award for best actor goes to...
BEN AFFLECK for JERSEY GIRL!!!"
Ben stands up and hugs Kevin Smith. Ben rushes to the podium and shoves anyone against the wall who's in his way. He gets in their face and tells 'em how he's gonna bang their girlfriend (back of a Volkswagon?), how they'd better stop spreading rumors about his new bisexual girlfriend and that nothing is gonna stop him from going to a church in New Jersey on a certain day. Kevin is in hysterics in the audience.