Posted by atom232323 at spider-to012.proxy.aol.com on June 17, 2002 at 20:54:01:
Hello Kevin, you're the greatest writer and director, I can't wait for Spiderman by you and Jersey Girl, but I'm sure everyone tells you those things. Anyway, I wrote a script, which everyone tells me is hillarious. I was just hoping that you could give it a read and give me any constructive criticism. I believe that it's funny and you will enjoy. I am going to make it with my friends. Thank you very much for your time. Keep up the amazing work. -Adam Schlagman
Mortal Wombat Episode 1
Intro-Credits = (Superman movie song playing during introduction credits)
Pre-Scene = (Superman old TV show song)
Narrator – Look up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, its…(a bird craps on him). (AEM runs over guy that got shit on). (AEM screen comes in)
Smarter then a speeding bullet, more powerful then Ross Perot, able to leap tall trash cans in a single bound, (AEM falls), well maybe not.
Anti-Evil Man, strange visitor from next door who came to town with powers and abilities equal to those of mortal men. Anti-Evil Man, who can swim in mighty rivers, bend cardboard in his bear hands, and who, disguised as Duke Highwalker, mild-mannered investigator for an agency that he owns, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and porn worldwide, with his sidekick Buddy, who is secretly disguised as his nephew Buddy.
Scene 1 = Alley at night
Gang Member #1 – You think this will go down ok.
Gang Member #2 – Yea of course, we deal with them all the time. Must be tough being the new guy huh?
Gang Member #1 – Yea I guess, I’m still really scared that I’m going to screw something up and end up dead.
Gang Member #2 – Just do everything and I mean everything Kingpin says and you’ll be fine AND wealthy too.
(Kingpins gang walks up and meets the other group)
Other Group Leader – You got the stuff?
Gang Member #2 – Of course we got the stuff, here you go. (They exchange briefcases)
(Cuts to shadows where Anti Evil Man and Buddy are)
Anti Evil Man –Got the light?
Buddy – Of course, u can always count on your faithful sidekick.
(Cuts back to gang members and they both look inside briefcases)
Other group leader - Ok, well everything looks fine.
Gang Member #2 - Yep same here. Nice doing business with you.
(Both begin walking back in opposite directions)
(Camera cuts back to shadows)
Anti Evil Man – Ok, shine the light Buddy. (Shine’s the light in Anti Evil Man’s face) Not at me you moron, between the bad guys. (Buddy shines the light between them and a bat symbol shows up) What the hell is that Buddy?
Buddy - Well the Anti Evil Man one wasn’t 50% off.
Anti Evil Man – You idiot.
Gang Member #1 – Oh my god it’s Batman!!
Gang Member #2 – That’s not Batman, may as well be though we are so fucked.
Gang Member #1 – What? Who is it then? (Shocked and really scared face)
Anti Evil Man – They call me professional ass kicker. I kick ass, evil’s ass and you my friend are evil.
Gang Member #2 – That’s Anti Evil Man, Kingpin’s only real enemy. None of us have been able to kill him yet.
Anti Evil Man – Taste my power! (Punches Gang Member #2 in the mouth) (Buddy walks over and kicks Gang Member #2 while he is down).
Buddy – Take this you evil man.
Anti Evil Man – (Punches Gang Member #1 in the stomach and then elbows him in the back as he cringes in pain and he falls to the ground)
Other gang leader – DIE!!!!! (Charges at Anti Evil Man with a knife and gets flipped over his back)
Anti Evil Man - Don’t mess with me! (Points at self with both hands)
Scene 2 = Kingpin’s Office
Kingpin – What do you mean Anti Evil Man ruined our deal? I can’t believe you morons let him disgrace me like that!
Gang Member #1- Sorry Kingpin sir.
Kingpin - Did I say you could speak?
Gang Member #1- Well no Boss, but you didn’t say that I cou (cut short).
Kingpin - Shut Up, you’re lucky I don’t kill you for that. Instead I’ve decided to call in some more competent help to take out AEM. Meet the Ninja Squad of Doom. The diabolical Dark Death (enters from side), the silent but deadly Nightfall (enters from side), and the Maniac Marksman Bullseye (enters from side).
Kingpin – Ok, this is what I need you to do for me and you’ll get the 50 million I promised. You see this piece of shit!!! (Shows a picture of Anti-Evil Man’s big smiling face) He has ruined all of my operations in this town. (Has a pointer pointing at his face, looks like its picking his nose, hits picture hard and goes through the nose part, pulls it out with green stuff on it.) (Pauses) Huh… Anyway, bring him to me Ninja Squad of Doom and try to bring him back alive so that I can get my hands on him. Ha Ha Ha Ha *caugh* Ha Ha Ha.
Dark Death – You can count on us!
Bullseye – We’ll hit the mark!
Nightfall – (Makes throat cutting gesture).
Scene 3 = Ninja Squad of Doom’s Hideout
Dark Death – Ok guys, here’s the plan. You two will lure Anti Evil man out and then run away and I will follow him and find out his secret identity and hideout.
Bullseye – That’s a great plan DD.
Dark Death – Bullseye stop calling me DD, you know I hate it when you do that. The name’s Dark Death, get it right.
Bullseye – Ok Ok, don’t get your tights in a bundle. (Turns to Nightfall and lightly says) DD.
Dark Death – I heard that!
Bullseye – Yo, This reminds me of the time we first met.
Scene 4 – (Flashback Scene)
Bullseye - (Bullseye on roof) I just got to ice him off and I get 4 million big ones.
Dark Death - (on another roof) It’s going to be too easy to kill him for 3 million.
Nightfall – (around a corner) (reading letter that says 2 million for killing guy).
(All come out at the same time to kill guy and begin to fight one another)
Guy supposed to kill – Oh shit, what the hell’s going on? They must be filming a movie (Watches fight as it goes on for a couple minutes)
Bullseye – You bastards aren’t stealing my kill.
Dark Death – I’m gonna kill him first. (Pointing right at guy)
Guy supposed to kill – (looks at self where getting pointed out, gulps) who me? (Begins to run away)(Other assassin comes out and kills him)
Other Assassin - Ah what an easy 20 bucks I just made.
Scene 5 – Ninja Squad of Doom’s Hideout
Nightfall – I remember that. Then it was like with our powers combined we form…
Bullseye – You’re a fuckin idiot. No wonder you don’t talk much. What really happened next was…
Scene 6 – (Flashback continued)
Bullseye – That cocksucker!
Dark Death – Son of a Bitch! (All three charge him and beat the shit out of him)
Scene 7 – Ninja Squad of Doom’s Hideout
Dark Death – What’s that have to do with our mission?
Bullseye – Well nothing, but we had to get our origin story in somewhere.
Dark Death – That’s understandable, now lets go accomplish our plan.
Scene 8 = News Station
Newscaster Ryan – So the Nets finally made it to the finals. Now I turn it over to Jim who’s interviewing the famous Private Investigator Duke Highwalker.
Newscaster Jim – Thanks Ryan, so Mr. Highwalker.
Duke – Oh you can call me Duke.
Newscaster Jim – Ok, so Duke just how have you solved so many crimes?
Duke – What can I say; I’m just that damn good.
Newscaster Jim – But how could you have gotten so far, you flunked out of high school?
Duke – Well Jim, you see that may be the case, but you don’t have to be school smart to succeed; you need to be street smart.
Newscaster Jim – Ahh I see Duke. Now what about your supposed relationship with Monica?
Duke – I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Newscaster Jim – Sexual, who said anything about sexual relations?
Duke – Oh I mean who’s Monica?
Newscaster Jim – Anyway, Duke who is this assistant of yours Buddy?
Duke – He’s just my nephew.
Newscaster Jim – There have been many rumors surrounding him. Do you have any comm… (Bullseye walks in) What is this? You can’t come in here.
Bullseye – Sorry guys I’m taking over. If you got something to say about it speak up. (Silence) That’s what I thought. (Grabs microphone from Newscasters) I am Bullseye and this news station is now mine. I have a hostage too, right over there. (Points to side). (Still has camera on him) Dammit cameraman you better fuckin cooperate or this ace (pulls out an ace) is going to slit your throat. (Camera goes to side where u see the back of what appears to be a woman tied up in a chair). My only demand is that Anti Evil Man comes here NOW and faces me. (Duke crawls off and runs outside or down the hall).
Anti Evil Man – (Looking for a phone booth) There’s never a telephone booth around when you need one. (Runs into a closet or something and rips off clothes with suite underneath).
(Nightfall dressed as a girl in a chair pretending to be tied up and Bullseye has a knife to his throat) (AEM shows up)
Anti Evil Man - Unhand her u evildoer. (Bullseye runs away). (AEM begins to untie Nightfall) I guess he was too scared when he actually saw me.
Nightfall – Scared of shit! (Nightfall jumps up and beats up AEM a little and runs off)
Anti Evil Man - (gets up bloody and bruised) what was the meaning of that? Something fishy’s going down. (Walks off and changes back to civilian clothes and Dark Death witnesses.) Well better get back to the office.
Dark Death - No way AEM is the famous private Investigator Duke Highwalker. Wait that must mean that his sidekick Buddy is really his nephew Buddy. That explains everything. That’s so pathetic though, how did no one figure out his identity yet, hmm it must have been the glasses.
Scene 9 = Anti-Evil Man’s Office (Sign on a door or desk that says Private Investigator Duke Highwalker)
Buddy – Mr. Super hero dude, Mr. Super hero dude.
Anti Evil Man – Buddy, how many times do I have to tell you not to mention that I’m a super hero when I’m not wearing my costume.
Buddy – ummm, ok hero man, but I got a greeeaaat idea. Lets use these weapons in our next battle. I got a wholllllllllllle box. (Shows AEM a box of toothpicks and takes out a few). (AEM slaps the box out of his hands and they spill on the floor).
Anti-Evil Man – Buddy, if you’re going to give me crap, then go to the bathroom.
Buddy – (Walks into the bathroom) Dooby Dooby Doo. (Drops toothpicks that are still in hand into toilet bowl and flushes) Weapon go down the hole. (Buddy clapping).
Bob – (Barges into superhero office and slips on toothpicks while screaming) I need help!!
Anti-Evil Man – oh my god, are u ok?
Bob – yea yea yea, but my store was just robbed! I heard you’re the best private investigator, so I ran over here as quickly as possible.
Anti-Evil Man – What did the thieves look like?
Bob – There were a group of thugs that each had a huge gray circle on their chest with the letters KG in black.
Anti-Evil Man – Dammit, it’s the Kingpin’s Gang! My nephew buddy and I will fix everything.
Buddy – (Walks out of bathroom). Did somebody say my name? (Has hands on his sides looking serious)
Anti-Evil Man – Don’t mind him, just go about your business and I’ll take care of everything. Just write down information so that I can contact you.
Bob – A group of friends and I are going to go hunting in the woods tomorrow (hands AEM the contact info), but other then that I’ll be there (points at contact info).
Anti-Evil Man – Good, go and I will handle this. (Camera then pans to window where Dark Death is listening in with a cup on one ear attached to a string and a cup on the other hand attached to the window.)
Scene 10 – Ninja Squad of Doom’s hideout.
Bullseye – Why is Dark Death the leader, why can’t I be. I have the greatest accuracy in the world for christ sake. (Throwing darts at dartboard into the bullseye every time)(Nightfall pretends to care) (Dark Death returns) What’s up DD?
Dark Death – Stop calling me that, UGHHH, I give up. (Bullseye laughing) Listen up guys you’ll never believe this but I’ve determined through careful observation that Anti Evil Man is none other then, get this, the famed Private Investigator Duke Highwalker.
Bullseye – No way. (Nightfall pretends to put on and take off glasses)
Dark Death - Our sophisticated listening equipment has helped us determine that one of Anti Evil Man’s, I mean Duke’s clients is going hunting tomorrow. Let’s have some fun.
Bullseye – Finally some action.
Nightfall – (Shakes head up and down) Heh heh heh.
Scene 11 – Forest (Woodland trees) (Anti-Evil Man’s client hunting with 2 friends)
Bob – I mean how could Jango Fett have died so easily?
One of Bob’s Friends – Yea I know what you mean, they built him up so much and then Mace just chopped his head off like it was nothing.
Other Bob Friend – Yoda was awesome though.
Bob – Yea Yoda fuckin ruled!!
One of Bob’s Friends – He definitely saved the movie, but what about Spiderman, the Green Goblin costume blew turds, and he looked like a fuckin robot. What’s up with that?
Other Bob Friend – (rustling of leaves) did you hear something Bob?
Bob – It was probably nothing. Forget about it. (They continue walking, and then suddenly the Ninja Squad of Doom attacks) (Dark Death jumps out of a tree, pulls both swords from behind his back, swings them around, and chops off Bob’s head from behind.) (Nightfall jumps out of the bushes with Bullseye and Nightfall twists one of Bob’s friends’ head to the side so it cracks and Bullseye throws a pen through Bob’s other friend’s forehead).
Bullseye – That sucked, it wasn’t even a workout.
Dark Death - Let’s cause some mayhem and lure that dumb hero out into the open.
Scene 12 – Anti Evil Man’s Office (Anti Evil Man sitting on couch) (Turns on porn)
Anti Evil Man – Al Bundy had the life (Sticks hand into pants).
Scene 13 – Mid Town
(Someone smoking and suddenly his cigarette gets cut in half) (Dark Death appears)
Dark Death – Don’t you know smoking kills? (Stabs or slices guy)
(Bullseye and Nightfall enter)
Bullseye – Yo DD, I bet I can kill 10 people before you do.
Dark Death - Yea we’ll see. You’re on. How’s 20 bucks sound?
Bullseye – Sounds like 20 bucks in my pocket.
Nightfall – (walks over and pulls out a 20) heh heh (shakes head up and down)
Bullseye –huh, Ahh whatever more money for me.
Dark Death – It’s on then, GO!! (Chops off one guys head and then stabs another) That’s two.
Bullseye - (Bullseye throws three cards and hits three guys) Well I got three.
Nightfall – 10.
Bullseye – What? (Looks over by Nightfall)
Dark Death – Huh! (Looks over by Nightfall)
(Nightfall standing next to a pile of 10 guys with a pool of blood underneath them)
(Nightfall puts out his hand and they both put 20 dollars into it)
Dark Death – Oh shit.
Bullseye – You fuckin cheater!
(Man approaches and yells to a crowd behind him)
Man – We can stop them if we team up. All for one and one for (killed by Bullseye).
Bullseye – Shut-up. Don’t you know that they’ll never make a good three musketeers movie? I mean who would ever star in a shitty poorly made movie anyway? (Weird look towards camera)
Scene 14 – Anti-Evil Man’s Office (Anti-Evil Man is watching porn on TV. Suddenly the screen changes to breaking news story).
Scene 15 – News Station
Newscaster – Sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled porno Lusty Housewife Nurses at School Part 25 and a half, but the Ninja Squad of Doom is tearing apart Mid-Town. We now go to John Roker who is on the scene.
Scene 16 – Mid-Town (Ninja Squad of Doom is breaking things and killing people).
John Roker – This is a truly horrible scene. People are dieing all around us. It’s a pure massacre. Let me attempt to talk to one of the massacarists now.
(Goes up to Dark Death as he is in the middle of punching the crap out of someone and taps him on the shoulder).
What is the meaning of this?
Dark Death – (Has heart warming music playing) well you see, when I was a young boy my Mommy and Daddy never really cared for me. I was cast out of my home and was forced to fend for myself.
John Roker – (Has a tear in his eye) That’s such a touching story.
Dark Death – I’m kidding you idiot (emphasizing idiot). (Shoves John Roker out of the way and grabs the mic)
Anti Evil Man you better come out here or more people are going to die and it’s going to be on your head. (Punches camera and goes black).
Scene 17 – Anti Evil Man’s Office
Anti-Evil Man – I can’t believe they messed up my porn. Dire circumstances call for dire measures. Buddy, go get me Uncle’s sword.
Buddy – Ohkay. (Comes back with a light saber)
Anti Evil Man – No not great Uncle Luke’s sword, Uncle Conan’s.
Buddy – Ohkay hero dude. (Brings back a sword).
Anti Evil Man – Now, lets stop those evildoers! (Anti-Evil Man runs out of the building and begins marching down the street towards the bad guys. Suddenly, Buddy speeds by him on a little baby tricycle.)
Buddy – Look at me, I’m as quick as a Wombat.
Anti Evil Man – Up, up, and away!…Wait, I can’t fly….Taxi Taxi (arm waving in air) (Taxi stops)
Taxi Driver – Where to? (Blabbers stuff)
Anti-Evil Man – Drop me off at Mid-Town.
Taxi Driver – You got it. (Blabbers stuff)
(The Taxi Driver takes off and half way there, Anti-Evil Man attempts to reach into pant pockets and realizes that he doesn’t have any pockets.)
Ummm, Mr. Taxi Driver Sir, you are going to find this funny, but I sort of don’t have any money on me because I am wearing spandex and all. You don’t mind do you, I am a superhero and all.
(Next frame show Anti-Evil Man on his butt out on the curb and the taxi speeding away with the driver yelling curses out the window and sticking his middle finger in the air). (Anti-Evil Man begins to run to Mid-Town. He arrives breathing heavily and Buddy is already there on his Tricycle perfectly fine).
Scene 18 – Mid-Town (Buddy and Anti-Evil Man confront Villains while they are breaking things and killing people)
Anti-Evil Man – Stop! You, you, you evil things you! Let’s get them. (Anti-Evil Man runs at all three ninjas)
Dark Death – Just what I’ve been waiting for. (Charges at Anti Evil Man and gets thrown to the side) (Buddy begins hitting innocent civilians).
Buddy – Feel my might!
(Bullseye and Nightfall approach Anti Evil Man)
Bullseye – Hah, you have purple pants. (Anti Evil Man looks down) (Nightfall kicks him across the face)
Anti Evil Man – (Bleeding from mouth) don’t make me mad; you won’t like me when I’m mad, arghhhhhh…. (Charges at Bullseye and Nightfall)
Bullseye – What’s wrong with you, are you retarded? (Gets hit by Anti Evil Man) Maybe I shouldn’t taughnt him. (Bullseye gets knocked out and Nightfall beats up Anti Evil Man, but then when he is almost beaten he defeats Nightfall) (Dark Death grabs Anti Evil Man from behind).
Buddy – (Still hitting innocents) I’m king of the world!!
Dark Death – (Crushing Anti Evil Man with a bear hug) Say Uncle!!
Anti Evil Man – I will never succumb to the likes of you. (Dark Death squeezes harder) Ok, uncle, I give I give.
(Batman TV music playing but with da nah nah nah Buddy)
(Buddy reaches into jacket or pocket and has toothpicks inside)
Buddy – Buddy to the rescue. (Buddy begins to poke Dark Death with his toothpicks and the screen goes pow, bam bamf like old batman show) (Anti-Evil Man escapes from Dark Death’s bear hug, but Bullseye and Nightfall have recovered)
Anti Evil Man – Now that I have escaped your clutches, you will taste the pain of…..RUN!!! (Anti-Evil Man grabs buddy and they try to run away) (As running) Retreat, back to the batcave Buddy. (Has batman TV show in between thing that’s cut short, by) Wait we don’t have a batcave, we don’t even have a cave.
Buddy – Well I got a bat, see. (Shows AEM a stuffed bat that he pulls out of his coat pocket) Now we just need a cave.
Anti Evil Man – Yeah, to throw you in, you moron. (Grabs bat and throws it towards Ninja’s)
Nightfall – Ahhhh, it’s Dracula!
Bullseye – Seriously, just stop talking.
Anti Evil Man - (It appears Anti Evil Man/Buddy have lost Ninja’s) did we loose them?
Buddy – Who? You mean them? (Points to little kids)
(Anti Evil Man and Buddy enter Anti Evil Man’s office).
Scene 19 – Anti-Evil Man’s Office
Anti-Evil Man – (turns on TV)
Newscaster – Anti Evil Man was unable to thwart the antics of the maniacal ninja squad of doom today.
Anti Evil Man - We looked pathetic. (As shutting off television)
Buddy – Thanks.
Anti-Evil Man – Shut-Up! That isn’t good. I’m fed up, I’m going out for some air, and you stay here and hold down the fort.
Buddy – I don’t see a fort.
Anti-Evil Man – Just stay here.
Buddy – Ohhhh Kayyyye. Dooby Dooby Doo. (Camera pans to window, which shows the Ninja’s watching out side as Anti-Evil Man leaves) (The ninjas enter the building and go into Anti-Evil Man’s office quietly. There they see a most unpleasant site). (The Ninjas all have shocked and horrified faces on) (Buddy is making out with a big stuffed troll doll and making moaning noises)
Buddy - yeah trolly yea, you know you like it. Give it to me trolly, oh yea, oh yea.
(One ninja lifts his mask partially and throws up).
Dark Death – Well what are you waiting for the troll to have a kid, grab him and lets go.
Bullseye – I’m not touching that. (Nightfall nods head back and forth to the side.
Dark Death – I always have to do everything myself. (Throws a bag over buddy and ties it) (Ninja’s then wreck the place and leave a note for Anti-Evil Man)
The NOTE: Anti-Evil Man, we’ve got your Buddy and his little troll doll too, ha ha ha ha ha. Come to the abandoned warehouse between Miller Street and Seamans Neck Rd.
Anti Evil Man - (enters the room and steps in puke as saying) Buddy I’m home.
Anti-Evil Man – Dammit Buddy!!! (Anti-Evil Man then sees the note) (Anti-Evil Man reads the note and throws it on a table) Damn, now I have to clean it up!!! (Anti-Evil Man begins to put things away, but then gets frustrated) Actually, I’ll go save Buddy and then have him clean up. (Walks outside and grabs two metal poles.) I better take these. (Anti-Evil Man goes to the warehouse between Miller and Seamans Neck)
Scene 20 – Warehouse between Miller and Seamans Neck
(Blade music playing) (Anti-Evil Man brings two metal poles for weapons) (Dark Death jumps off the roof and surprises Anti-Evil Man from behind and steals one pole. He then swings the pole and it shatters Anti-Evil Man’s in half, but now he just has two.) (Eventually both loose poles and have huge fight with their swords and then Anti Evil Man knocks away both and Dark Death is lying on the ground).
Dark Death – Ok, you win, you win, don’t kill me, please don’t kill me. I’ll do anything.
(The rest of the Ninja Squad of Doom shows up and hits him from behind and captures him).
Not!!!!
Scene 21 – Ninja Squad of Doom’s Hideout (Dark Death calls Kingpin)
Dark Death – We got him Kingpin.
Kingpin – Good good Dark Death. Mind if I call you DD?
Dark Death – Of course not Kingpin sir.
Kingpin – Ok DD, I’ll send my men over to pick him up, and then I’ll get back to you. (Hang up)
(AEM in cell with troll doll on floor)
Anti Evil Man – How do I always get hit from behind? It’s like I have a giant kick me sign on my back or something. (Reaches to back and pulls off kick me sign) grrrrr…..
(Buddy in cell)(Buddy breaks free by picking the lock with a toothpick)
Buddy – I must find trolly. (He sees Anti-Evil Man in the cage with the troll doll)
Anti-Evil Man – How did you get out?
Buddy – Get out of where?
Anti Evil Man – You know, the cage.
Buddy – I don’t know a cage. What’s a cage?
Anti-Evil Man – Never mind. If you get me out of here, I’ll give you the troll.
Buddy – Only if you also promise to tell me what a cage is.
Anti-Evil Man – Fine, just get me out of here now!
Buddy – Doobie Doobie Doo (While opening cage)
Hero – Let’s get out of here and get some reinforcements. (Anti-Evil Man and Buddy leave and are outside)
Buddy – Wait, I’m not going until you tell me what a cage is. (The Ninjas show up)
Ninja Squad of Doom – Where do you think you’re going? (Bullseye throws cards at Anti Evil Man and Buddy) (Anti Evil Man bends to avoid them like the matrix)
Anti Evil Man – hmm, this seems familiar.
(Buddy, being the agile one that he is, tries to dodge the stars and trips over some bricks and falls into the trunk of a tree and is unconscious). (Anti Evil Man runs away to get reinforcements) I better go get some help.
Scene 22 – (Ninja’s have Buddy unconscious)
Bullseye – What are we going to do?
Dark Death – Let’s dress this schmuck up as Anti Evil Man and hope that Kingpin’s gang doesn’t realize. Then we can go and try to capture Hero. (They dress Buddy up and tie his arms behind his back) (Kingpin’s Gang shows up).
Dark Death – Here’s Anti Evil Man.
One of Kingpin’s Gang Members – Kingpin will get back to you. (Kingpin’s gang leaves with Buddy).
Dark Death – Ok, let’s go get Anti Evil Man before Kingpin realizes. (Ninja’s go off to find Anti Evil Man).
Scene 23 –
Anti Evil Man – Well I better stay here at my storage place for a while so that the Ninja Squad of Doom won’t find me. I better find some help though to stop them. Now where did I put that? (Begins looking through stuff and pulls out funny crap and then eventually pulls out the yellow pages.) Ahh, here it is. (Searches in it under heroes and finds someone) Wow this guy sounds great. (Dials a # and it is busy) Whoops, that’s me.
Scene 24 – (Ninja Squad searching for AEM)
Dark Death – Lets separate. We can cover more ground that way. I’ll go that way and you two go the other way.
Bullseye – Why do we have to go that way and you get to go that way?
Dark Death – Fine I’ll go the other way, whatever.
Bullseye – Ok, good. (Satisfied) (Bullseye and Nightfall walk and see a bunch of kids) Hey little Buddies.
Kids – Hey Ninja dudes.
One Kid – Can I have your autographs?
Bullseye – Of course little man. (Signs a piece of paper) (Kid then tries to give it to Nightfall) Nah you don’t want his (shoves paper back towards kid)
One Kid – Ok, thanks Ninja Dude. (Kids begin to walk away)
Bullseye – No problem, but always remember kids, with great power comes a great number of sluts, so always wear protection (big grin and thumbs up)
Scene 25 - (Anti Evil Man finds someone that sounds interesting) (He calls the Dancing Buffoon)
Dancing Buffoon – Hello
Anti Evil Man – Hi, um are you a superhero?
Dancing Buffoon – Yeah.
Anti Evil Man – I’m looking for a Hero to help me out. What have you done?
Dancing Buffoon – I have saved cats from trees, helped old ladies cross the street, and even done community service.
Anti Evil Man – Haven’t you done anything else?
Dancing Buffoon – I used to take Dance Class.
Anti Evil Man – No No No, what makes you a good Hero?
Dancing Buffoon – I told you all of the reasons, plus I can do some damn good ballet.
Anti Evil Man – Ok, I’ll get back to you. (As hanging up phone) When Hell freezes over. (Anti Evil Man finds another interesting ad and calls Chow Jet Woo).
Chow Jet Woo – Hello.
Anti Evil Man – Hello, I’m looking for a hero to help me beat some Villains.
Chow Jet Woo – I could help.
Anti Evil Man – What makes you a good Hero?
Chow Jet Woo – Well I am a kung fu superstar and have won many tournaments. I’ll even give you a demonstration.
Anti Evil Man – Sounds good, where can I see the demonstration?
Chow Jet Woo – Who said anything about seeing it, I can do it right over the phone. (Plays the song ”Everybody was kung fu fighting” and he makes kung fu noises).
Anti Evil Man – Wow!! Impressive. Can you meet me at “Prospect Park” and I’ll fill you in there.
Chow Jet Woo – Sure.
Scene 26 – “Prospect Park”
Anti Evil Man – Hey (Begins talking to a guy on a bench)
Guy – Um, Hello.
Anti Evil Man – Ok, Here’s the story. (Begins to talk to guy about what’s happening)
Guy – Do I know you?
Anti Evil Man – Yeah, we just spoke on the phone.
Guy – What!!!!! How did you find me! NO!!!!! (Runs Away) (Anti Evil Man has a puzzled look) (Chow Jet Woo shows up) (Camera goes up from his boots past his leather jacket and up to his face and he puts on sunglasses)
Chow Jet Woo – Lets Rock!
Scene 27 – Kingpins Office (Kingpin’s Gang brings Buddy to see Kingpin)
Buddy – Hewwo, want to play with Mr. Trolly.
Kingpin – Is this some kind of joke.
Buddy – You know a joke? Please tell it to me.
Kingpin – Get this, this thing out of here and get me on the phone with the Ninja Squad of Doom NOW!!!!. (Kingpin’s Gang throws Buddy outside.)
Buddy – My mother always said, life is like a can of whoop ass; you just got to open it up on someone. (Gang slams door)
Scene 28 - (Dark Death looking for Anti Evil Man)
Dark Death – Where is that bastard hiding? Well at least I got away from Bullseye for the moment, I don’t have to hear his constant jabbering. (Cell phone rings) Hmm, it’s restricted; I wonder who it is, better answer it. Hello.
Kingpin – That the hell’s wrong with you? FO you have a death wish or something? If you don’t bring me Anti Evil Man right away you’re as good as dead. Do you understand?
Dark Death – Yes Kingpin sir.
Kingpin – Good, no make it quick! (Hangs up)
Dark Death – Why’d I have to give him my cell phone number? (sees people running) What’s that ruckus over there?
Scene 29 – Buddy’s Adventure (Buddy picks himself off the floor.)
Buddy – I feel lonely. It’s just my troll and I. I know, I’ll go and find Mr. Superhero Dude. (He begins searching for Anti Evil Man and looks in a garbage can)
Buddy – Are you in here? (Somebody comes by on a skateboard or bike and pushes Buddy into the trashcan). (Mortal Kombat music playing) (The can with Buddy in it begins to role down a hill) (It knocks people over and they begin to chase after the garbage can) (Buddy eventually gets out and the people chasing him get ready to beat him up.) (Buddy gets ready to fight back and all of the people run away scared)
Buddy – Wow, I’m one scary motherfucker. (Buddy then turns around to continue to search for Anti Evil Man) (He sees Dark Death)
Buddy – Ah!!! (Buddy begins to run away and trips over something and then he gets up and Dark Death is gone) (Music ends)
Scene 30 – (Both Hero’s are searching for the Ninja Squad of Doom)
Chow Jet Woo – Where are they, I mean how hard can they be to find? (Bullseye and Nightfall surprise them from behind) (BIG FIGHT) (Bullseye fights Anti Evil Man and Nightfall fights Chow Jet Woo) (Dark Death shows up) (Fight continues) (Buddy shows up and begins to hit Chow Jet Woo) (They believe that each other are bad)
Chow Jet Woo – I’d just like to let you know that I’m schooled in the arts of………
Buddy – Well I’d like to let you know that I’m about to take you to school.
(Fight continues and Buddy knocks out Chow Jet Woo) (Villains take Anti Evil Man and Chow Jet Woo and tie them up with their hands behind their backs, but leave Buddy because he is a freak) (Also take Troll Doll)
Scene 31 – Kingpin’s Office (phone rings)
Gang Member – (answers phone) Here Kingpin, it’s the Ninja Squad of Doom.
Kingpin – They better have Anti Evil Man. Yes!
Dark Death – We got him sir and another hero too by the name of Chow Jet Woo.
Kingpin – Excellent, I’ll send over my men, AGAIN!!!
Scene 32 – Buddy’s second adventure (Buddy wakes up)
Buddy – Where is it, Where is it, NO!!!!! My troll doll is gone!! (Begins to cry). Hero dude isn’t here to help me find it. Wha this? (Grabs note that is taped to his forehead).
Note: Kingpin has hero and we have troll doll. Ha Ha Ha.
Buddy – Oh no, what should I do? I need my trolly. Hmm, I know, I’ll call my bestest cousin. (Goes to phone). What’s his number again? Oh yeah. (Dials “9” then “1” and finally “1”)
911Operator – Hello, state your emergency.
Buddy – Hello cuzzy. My troll doll, it it was taken.
911Operator – Is this some kind of prank?
Buddy – No no no no cuzzy, it really was taken.
911Operator – Damn Pranksters!!! (Hangs up).
Buddy – Hewwo, hewwo, come on Cuzzy I need you.
PhoneOperator – Hello this is the Operator, how may I help you?
Buddy – Where are you Fonme?
Phone Operator – Ok, I’ll connect you to Mr. Fonme. (Ring, Ring).
Buddy – Why’s it ringing?
Fonme – City Morgue, You kill em, we chill em.
Buddy – What’s a morgue?
Fonme – Well if it isn’t my good ol cousin Buddy.
Buddy – My troll doll was taken and Mr. Super Hero Dude was captured, I need help.
Fonme – Ok, I’ll be right there.
Buddy – OhKay.
Fonme – Oh yeah, where are you?
Buddy – At some weird looking street.
Fonme – Ok, I know where that is. (Buddy and Cuz hang up)
Buddy – Doobi Doobi Doo.
Scene 33 – Ninja Squad of Doom Hideout (Heroes tied up on side)
Bullseye – Hah, you think your so cool, well now what? (takes sunglasses from him).
Chow Jet Woo – I’m going to take those back from you, it might not be now, but one day you’ll pay.
Bullseye – Hahha (smacks him) hahahah. (Gang Members show up)
Dark Death – Here you go guys.
Gang Member – Thanks, hopefully you actually got him this time.
Bullseye – I’ll kill you! (Tries to charge at them but Nightfall and Dark Death hold him back)
Dark Death – Next time we’re not going to hold him back.
Gang Member – Yea yea whatever. (As leaving)
Scene 34 - (At Weird street) (Fonme shows up and gives Buddy a hug).
Fonme – Oh my god, I haven’t seen u since that time in band camp when I took a flute and, oh wait that wasn’t you, silly me.
(Buddy’s cousin is also pathetic, but not as much as Buddy) (Fonme wears funny clothes.) (Buddy gives his cousin the note after they embrace).
Fonme – We must save Anti Evil Man.
Buddy – What about Troll?
Fonme – We will get it too, but first Anti Evil Man.
Buddy – Why Super Dude first?
Fonme – Only he knows where troll is.
Buddy – Oh Kay Fonme.
Fonme – Come on Buddy how many times do I have to tell you to call me by my first name Jacco?
Buddy – Ok, cuzzy Jacco.
Fonme – Anyway, Weeza must invade the Kingpins layer and save hero now.
Buddy – Lez Go!!!! (Slaps Jacco five, but hits his hand hard and it hits Jacco in the face)
Scene 35 – (Kingpin’s Office) (Hero’s taken to Kingpin)
One of Kingpin’s Gang – Meet the one and only Kingpin.
Chow Jet Woo – So you’re the man behind the curtain?
Kingpin – Do you see a curtain? Am I even a man? (Begins to come into view) No, I am evil personified! (Comes into complete view to see Zachary)
Anti Evil Man – NOW!!! (Anti Evil Man and Chow Jet Woo break free)
Kingpin - Nice play AEM, nice play. But it’s still hopeless. Get them!
(Kingpin’s Gang fights Anti Evil Man and Chow Jet Woo) (Anti Evil Man then charges at Kingpin and is thrown far back against a wall through boxes and is jumped on by Kingpin’s gang and recaptured) (Chow Jet Woo then charges Kingpin and Kingpin kills him)
Anti Evil Man – NOOOO!!
Chow Jet Woo – Don’t worry. Just make sure that you get him for me. I found out his week point. It (ugh) is (ugh) his (ugh) (dies).
Anti Evil Man – NOOOOO!!! You’ll see. I’ll get you for this.
Kingpin – but Duke I am your father. (Darth Vader like)
Duke – No way (in disbelief).
Kingpin – Damn, well I had you for a second. Ha ha *cough* ha.
Scene 36 – Outside Kingpins Layer.
Fonme – I think that this is the Kingpin’s layer.
Buddy – Ohkay, I’ll go in first. (Runs across street and charges into wrong building and someone is in there changing or something) Whoops sorry lady. (Buddy and Cousin walk into hallway in Kingpins layer). (There are 2 guards at end of the hall).
Fonme – Let’s do what I have seen in the movies. (They begin to run and roll across the width of the hallway back and forth and slowly getting closer to the guards). (The guards notice them and begin to laugh). (Buddy and Fonme then crash into each other). (The guards then fall on the floor laughing).
Buddy – It worked cuzzy.
Fonme – Yep, I new it would. All things in the movies work. Now I will get rid of them for good. Check out my utility belt, Batman has one, why not me. I call it the Jacco Belt.
Buddy – Why Jacco?
Fonme – Cause that’s my name of course Fonme, Jacco Fonme. Now I will get rid of them with my Jacco Zapper Wapper. Go Go Jacco Zapper Wapper. (Takes out boxing glove hitter thing from utility belt and knocks guards unconscious.)
Buddy – Why do you say Go Go?
Fonme – I saw it on this cartoon and it seemed to work very well for some Inspector guy.
Buddy – Oh ok cuzzy.
(Peek through door at end of hall.) (They see a guard on top of the stairs.)
Fonme – I know how we can get up there with out the guards spotting us. We can use my trusty old Jacco grappling hook.
Buddy – Good idea Cuzzy, your so smart, I wish that I was as smart as you.
Fonme – Go Go Jacco grappling hook. (Shoots grappling hook up and it goes through the guard and kills him). I new it would work.
Buddy – Me too cuzzy, me too. Doobi Doobi Doo. (They walk up the stairs and then crawl very slowly in another hallway to another door). (They peek inside and spot Anti Evil Man, who is tied to a chair with the troll tied behind him on another chair but there are two guards). What are we going to do?
Fonme – Here have a Buddy snack. (Gives Buddy some type of food and he eats it)
Buddy – Doobi Doobi Dooo (Like Scooby Doo) (Runs in and beats up the guards) Buddy Power (instead of Puppy Power).
Fonme – (Unties Anti Evil Man) (Anti Evil Man has tape on his mouth).
Buddy – My Trolly!!!!!!!!!!! (Unties Troll). Oh, I love you so much trolly.
Anti-Evil Man – Shut Up. (Takes tape off of his mouth and puts it on buddy who leaves it on)
Anti-Evil Man – Who are you? (Asks buddy’s cousin).
Fonme – I’m Buddy’s cousin, but you can call me Fonme, Jacco Fonme.
Anti-Evil Man – That’s disgusting, you sick fuck!!!
Fonme – Noooooo, that’s my name I swear.
Anti Evil Man – Ok, whatever. I can’t believe I have to deal with two of you now. Anyway, let’s get the hell out of here.
(They fight their way out through a few of Kingpin’s Gang Members) (Ninja Squad of Doom shows up and they are all fighting outside). (Big Fight) Bullseye goes to Jacco feel the pain as he hits him and then Jacco goes You don’t know what pain is as he does the three stoogers to him and then Jacco is hit in the head) (Jacco is hit in the head and says, “You can’t defeat me, I’m Batman. AEM goes well he’s got a concussion) (Kingpin leaves building). (Kingpin goes to another office.) (Shows him about to press a button that is going to drop a bomb on the Heroes and Villains.)
Kingpin – No one messes with the Kingpin and I mean NO ONE!!!!!!. Ha ha ha ha *cough* I should really check on that cough, ah whatever, ha ha ha. (Bomb falling towards them all and them looking up at it saying Oh Shit! And then it freezes and narrator comes on)
Narrator – What is going to happen next episode?
Will Anti Evil Man and Buddy survive?
What’s the meaning of the title of this movie?
And what is going to happen to pour Trolly?
All this and much more next episode, well some of this next episode in Episode 2: Attack of the Trolls.
(End of Episode I) (Wombats in credits and outtakes and we make music)