Posted by docgenesplice at adsl-34-228-137.bct.bellsouth.net on July 08, 2002 at 20:37:25:
In Reply to: awesome and congrats posted by who cares who sent the paper on July 08, 2002 at 20:31:21:
....but only cause you asked..not because I am tootoing my own horn (TOOT TOOT!!)
CRISIS ON INFINITE SNOOGANS!!
By E.B. Hoyle AKA docgenesplice
> > > The portal was cold, as it always was before ReEntry. No one knew this but
old Jr., because no one else was ever in the chamber where the portal was
housed.
> > >
> > > No one needed to be there at all, but a job was a job.
> > >
> > > Jr's options were limited. This was because Jr. was a lazy fuck. He knew
this and embraced it, so his former attempts at jobs were what could be termed
collosal flops.
> > >
> > > His first job, at the Quik Stop, was gotten because his dad had
connections with Quik Stop. This lasted an hour.
> > > Uncle Bob and Uncle Jay came in and stole all the Ding Dongs and that was
that.
> > > Then there was the fiasco with the Funeral home. When his last name was
revealed he was escorted out by security. It was embarrasing. He lost this job
because his dad apparently desecrated a corpse one single time....morticians
have no sense of humor. You would figure a guy named Graves would work out well
in a funeral home.
Well..Job after job JR. was fired. Then came the Time Commitee.
In 2054..Time travel was discovered accidentally by a scientist at Derris labs.
Trish Jones, a scientist/writer, was researching the effects of radiation during
sex with Multiple partners. A Portal through time was opened, and time was
changed.
It was a simple change.A man meant to die lived. an unimportant man named
Dante Hicks. A man who in the original time frame was shot and killed. Jr grew
up hearing about poor Uncle Dante.
But now it was all changed. Dante..who was now not supposed to be ANYWHERE
today was there. That small ripple changed it all.
Soon Trish reported her findings to the companies president. Mr. derris, who
always funded sexually related research, founded the Time Commitee. A group
dedicated to keeping tabs on time travel and to reduce the changes to the
timestream.
Sadly, they were a bit late. Something about Hicks had sent spirals through the
time/space continuum, causing gaps and inconsistencies, termed Enigmas,in
history. A solution was needed.
Much research and studies found two things. It was possible to close the gaps.
The key was that people all had a "Cosmic Signature" that made certain people
have more an effect on the time stream then others. The key was to find a
person, or persons who had a signature that would not effect the timestream at
all to fix the Enigmas.
Two such people were found. Two people who somehow left no ripples in time. No
matter what they did, they left no mark in the universe. Two utterly useless
individuals.....
The portal hummed and the chamber became cooler still..two shadowy figures
began to materialize...
"Snootch to the fucking time travelling Nootch!"
the first bellowed. The second said nothing.
"Damn Silent Bob,I bet Bill and Ted never got this much pussy jumping through
time! BOnnngggg!"
The second figure merely flipped out a zippo, and lit a
ciggarette.
The first,Jay, still wore his hair long and straight. It was a whitish silver
color. His friend Bob may or may not have any hair. No one knew as he always
wore his "Time Bandits" hat.(backwards of course)
Though he stood mere inches from Jay and Jr., Bobs smoke did not reach them.
Years ago, Derris labs had invented a personal energy field that kept smokers
from polluting anyone around them. Jay often used his field to smoke himself
out, making for a long lasting high.
"Litle Randall man, hows it hanging? Still loving the cock?" Jay asked.
"Uncle Jay, you junkie fuck, I told you, call me Jr. How did your mission go?"
Jr. and Jay got along well, which drove jr.s dad crazy. They spared verbally as
old friends often did.
> "How did it go?Fucking Terrible man..We were sucked into another cocksucking
vortex and were thrown into a motherfucking alternate timeline!"
>
> "Again?" Jr. asked
>
> "Yeah, but this was a nightmare. In this one there were another Jay and Silent
Bob. But they were fucked up versions. The Jay NEVER talked! The cock smoking
Bob never shut up! He went on and on about stupid bullshit that made no sense.
.......I hate people who do that shit"
>
> Bob raised his eyebrows at that. Jr. wisely remained silent.
>
> "But did you find do what you were sent to do?"
>
> Bob nodded his head and gave a thumbs up.
>
> "Report Jay, you know the rules."
>
> Jay lit a joint and flipped Jr. off
>
> "I know the fucking game, dicklicker, hold on, let me at least adjust my
sack.Time hopping always gets my balls mixed up. "
>
> Jr. waited as Jay made a presentation of reaching into his pants and making
the adjustement. Then he reported.
>
> "We found another glitch. There were two mother fucking versions of the same
dude running around. Name was william black. One of the fuckers like to swallow
his own spooge,just like Silent Bob!"
>
bob flipped jay off
> "The other bastard was a crazy fat fuck, babbled on and on about a boat! It
was fucked up! But Bob did some crazy jedi
> bullshit and patched up the time rift!"
"So you sealed a rift. Great.DID YOU find what we are looking for? Did you find
the dog?" Jr. asked without patience.
"Hey, watch the mouth little man, I changed your diapers and shit, but I never
checked out your package, so don't go thinking that shit!"
"I am 86 Jay..I don't give a shit what you did. My job, which I NEED to keep, is
to record what you found. So lets go"
Jay signalled to Bob, who without a word produced a light for Jay to light a
smoke with.
"You know, we don't want this fucking job. We want things to be like they were.
That bitch president Caitlin Bree went and legalized Weed so she could screw us
out of our livelyhood. Thats foul, right Silent Bob?"
Bob nodded.
"Forced us to take this job,You know," Jay continued "She fucked a dead guy
once. "
"THE DOG JAY!" Jr. repeated.
"Okay fucker, we found what we were sent to find, ok, ARE YOU HAPPY?" Jay asked
and stormed out into the depressuring chamber"
"Jay!" Jr. yelled..what happened???"
"The dog is gone." a voice said.
Jr. looked around to see who had spoken, he scanned the chamber, and then walked
around Bob to see if anyone was hiding there. There was not.
"It was me Jr.."
Jr. staggered..the voice had come from....from Uncle Bob!
"Oh calm down, just because you have not heard me talk in 86 years does not mean
I cannot talk. You want the story or what?"
Jr. nodded, not daring to speak lest he break the spell.
"Walt Flanagans dog. The last remaining thing needed to permanently seal the
multiple time lines has been found, and put in the timeline he belongs in. All
anomalies are now accounted for."
Jr.'s mouth hung open. Then it hit him..
"Justice" He whispered."Justice and Amy. I am so sorry Uncle Bob." Jr. put his
arm around Bob. They hugged.
That was the moment Jay chose to walk back in.
"You Homos want to be alone? I can go find some pussy if you two want to eat
each others bottle rockets."
"No Uncle Jay, its alright, We're finished"
"Yeah, it does not take silent Bob long to get a guy to shoot his man juice, not
that I would know...."
Jr. went to jay. He offered his outstreched hands. Jay hesitated, as if
considering the offer. He turned away.
"Uncle Jay, I know how much Justices death hurt you, and I know that each
universe you and Bob went to, you were both seeking that one timeline where
Justice AND Amy still lived. I know now that all Enigmas are back in place the
Time Commitee will shut down all time travel. I am sorry."
"Just do it. Close the portal forever.." Jay said with resignation.
Jr. smiled and sat down. He put his feet up.
"Do you know why you two were chosen to hop time lines?"
Jr asked as he pulled out two devices shaped very phallically.
"Not because we like it in the ass screwball! Get away from me!"
Jr laughed and handed them each one of the devices. Bob smiled, understanding.
"You were chosen because you two have unique signatures that DO NOT effect the
time stream. No matter what actions you take, it will never create an Enigma."
"So what?" Jay asked. The Commitee is closing the door for good, the fuckers."
"Yes," Jr. said, "which side of the door do you want to be on when that
happens?"
Jay looked at Jr. He started to nod, then shook his head.
"What the fuck are you babbling about?"
"Idiot" Bob said, amcking jay in the head and almost giving Jr. a heart attack.
"we are going back in. Forever. To find our perfect world with our perfect
ladies"
Jays eyes brightened..
Bob turned to Jr.
"You will lose your job." he said.
Yup,runs in the family.." was Jr.s reply
"you gotta hurry though..get the fuck outta here."
"Lets go Silent Bob, Just like Quantum Fucking Leap! "
As the pair entered the portal..Jr smiled and he listened and heard a voice in
the vortex..
"Silent bob, keep that time dildo away from me...Fag...."
The end???????????????????????????