Posted by I Like Movies at pool-141-154-23-201.bos.east.verizon.net on July 08, 2002 at 21:48:58:
This was my submission...Since i lost, I never found out if it was good or not (it
probably isn't)...I just want you to tell me it sucks. i need closure... and i'm bored
“Something like…2499” by I Like Movies (now named: I don't like losing)
“Seuuuk….Sliiit…heeuup…slurp…ohhh…gulp”
“Two thousand four hundred ninety nine. Just one more to go
and I hold the record.” Says a very tired and very old woman, who
takes a drink of water.
“The record for what?” Declares a surprised man, pulling up
his pants.
“Oh, I didn’t tell you, I’m beating the record for most
blowjobs given.”
“Wow…so, how much will it be, Miss Veronica?”
“Fifteen bucks, Mr. Graves”
“Ok. So, why did you start this anyway?”
“Well, you remember Dante, right? When he dumped me for that
Caitlin girl”
“You dumped him, because he loved her” Snaps Randal.
“Whatever, it’s not important. After we ‘broke up’, I swore
to put the hookers in Time Square to shame, by going down on an
extreme number of guys. So, I went to New York, to try to give head,
and I couldn’t find anyone. I finally sat on a corner, and a man
walked up to me. He asked if I was a prostitute, and I, surprised,
said yes.”
“And after that, its just history, right…really sexy history.”
“No. It turns out; he’s a plain clothed cop. He brought me
down to the station, but the women’s cell was full. The guy put me
in a male cell. After he left, the guys circled around me. I,
trying to escape a gang rape, offered head to everyone there. Let me
just say, a half an hour later, and there is pubic hair in my teeth.
They all loved me so much, they asked the guard to let me out. He
obviously said no, but I offered him a blowjob. The men all told him
about how great it was, and he started getting soft. He told me he
hadn’t came in 2 months, and if I could give him 3 ‘jobs right in a
row, I could leave.”
“And then the cops came, and you had a giant head fest?”
“No, but I did complete the task, even though he was small.”
“Smaller than me, right?”
“No offense, Randal, but you are tiny.”
“It’s not the size of the boat it’s the”
“No, it is the size of the boat, but I should get back to the
story. When I got out, I realized that giving head was profitable.
I started working on the street, and getting a lot of cash. I bought
this house, and I don’t, to this day, have to pay for cable,
electricity, or water.”
“Because of the fantastic felatio, right”
“Exactly. I got free cars, free food, hell; I got almost
everything for free. The moment I got out of jail, I was a changed
woman. Right then, I didn’t want love, romance, or anything. I
didn’t want college; I didn’t want to make people lasagna just so
they could love a vegetable. No, I wanted things for me, and I
wanted revenge on Dante. I kept track of all the men I went down on,
in this book.” She picks up a book, and writes Randal’s name. “After
about a thousand, I began to think. I had taken a lot of shots in
the mouth. I thought I had given more head then anyone in the world.
I bragged about it, until one day, while I was giving a librarian
head so I could get a free Stephen King Novel, he screamed for me to
stop.”
“You did finish him off, right?”
“Of course, but hold on. He showed me this book, a rare
publication called the ‘Molson Book of Sexual Records’. It said a
girl named Alyssa Jones.”
“The girl that died while having triple anal penetration from
horses?”
“That one. Anyway, she gave two thousand four hundred and
ninety nine ‘jobs. I knew I had to beat it. I just kept going”
“On the librarian, or in life?”
“Well, ironically enough, both. And now, in my old age, I
have just tied the record. I have bribed the New York Times, Boston
Globe, and the major television stations on the East Coast to
televise that I was looking for a last guy to blow, to beat the
record.”
“How did you bribe ‘em?”
Veronica makes the famous “hand to cheek” motion, to
symbolize giving head. “Anyway, all I have to do is make some calls,
and I will definitely get a large list of names from many anonymous
dicks, no pun intended, out there, searching for head.”
“Oh…Well, I gotta run, I gotta open the video store, good luck.”
“Bye, small fry.” She smiles, but she is serious, because
Randal is small…“downtown”.
Randal leaves, and goes straight to the Quick Stop.
“Dante, you gotta watch the news tonight. Remember Veronica,
the 37 chick? She is up to 2499, and will beat a world record.
She’s doing it just to get revenge on you.”
“What, she really went through with it? I thought she was
only saying that. I’m wasn’t even supposed to be there that day.”
“Shut the fuck up. I’m so tired of that ‘oh I wasn’t even
supposed to be here today shit’”
“Sorry, I just got carried away.”
“What did I tell you about apologizing?”
“Sorry”
“Ahh”
“Sor…”
Fast Forward (zip zip zip zip) it’s 10 o clock. Dante flips
on channel 7.
“And once again Russia is poor. Now on to out top story.”
The music indicating the top story began to emerge from the
television screen. “A young girl from a little town in New Jersey is
doing amazing things, trust me.” He winks. “This woman, a 60 year
old by the name of Veronica, has given more oral sex than anyone,
except Alyssa Jones, who is currently tied with Veronica. That means
if she gives one more, she will hold the record. You, the viewers,
must send a picture of you with your name, penis size, and phone
number in a letter to this address.” An address was displayed on the
television screen. “You must also write why you should be the record
breaking receiver. And if you think, just because she is old means
she is no good, you are wrong. She gave me the best he” He was cut
off, and a black screen with white letters appeared. WE ARE
EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. BROADCAST WILL RESUME
SHORTLY.
“Oh my god, she really is going to do it. I should talk to her.”
He, luckily, had written her address down while the TV was
on, so he took the address, his coat, and his keys, and headed for
his car. When he arrived, she came down to the door, naked.
“Veronica”
“Look Dante, if you came for the competition, well you can’t
win, because I already went down on you. If you came to apologize, I
don’t care. As you probably noticed, I have changed, and I don’t
need you anymore.”
Stunned, he stood there, silently, thinking. “Veronica, I’ve
changed too. I no longer care about how many dicks you’ve sucked.
In fact, I get off on it. If I could watch you, on your last one, it
would be great.”
Surprised, Veronica agrees. They talk about times, places,
and other details, until Dante leaves, with a smirk.
In another part of the country, a man talks to his wife.
“Please, baby, let me do it. I probably won’t even win. If
I do, it’ll show America that we should go back to our regular lives
after September 11th.”
“Honey, you’ve been using that expression for almost 30
years. I think they’ve gone back to their regular lives by now.”
“But babe, I’ve been their leader for that long too,
(Writer’s note, to save time and a long explanation, Presidency has
been erased, and now there is a supreme leader, who is elected when
the previous leader dies, and his term is over when he dies.) and I
know what’s best for the country.”
“Fine.”
“Ok, honey, will you fill out my application for me?”
“Fine; Name: George W. Bush, penis size: 7 inches, phone
number: 1-888-GEORGE-W, reason for being chosen: I am the leader of
the nation.”
Veronica, at her house, is reading applications.
“Let me raise my standards, 7 inches or above, and the only
really important section is reason.” She continues to look through
the applications, quicker then before, than stops. “I think I found
my cock.”
Once again fast forwarding (All the news, the conversations,
the events, the scandals, the Weekly World News reports about
Veronica giving head to a koala-fish-mutant-bird, and everything else
was really boring) up to the day of the head. Veronica asked for no
cameras, no Secret Service men, and no one there, except her, Dante,
and George W. Bush.
“I really want to thank you for giving blowjobs, instead of
Anthrax like those evil doers.” Says George.
“Will you shut up about Anthrax? There hasn’t been any since
the year 2005.” Says a pissed off Dante.
“Dante, don’t insult him, he’ll get scared.” Veronica pipes in with.
“Ok, go to work.”
Veronica slowly unzips George W. Bush’s pants and pulls down
his white and red stripped boxer shorts. She notices his dick is at
“half mast” and slowly puts her slightly opened lips around his 5
inches of man. She goes deep, deep, all the way to the beginning of
his sack, and she moves her tongue up, down, and around his extra
sensitive head. He starts to grow to his full seven inches, and she
knows it. She starts slow, going up and down, while still using her
tongue strategically. He makes this gross face, and Dante walks
behind George. He reaches for his coat, and pulls out a long knife.
He stabs George in the head, and he dies, but Dante holds him up. So
focused on her work, and since the body can hold an erection even
after death, she doesn’t even notice. He looks down at her and says,
sadistically.
“Hey, Slut. Look up.”
She does, and pulls her mouth off the dead, yet hard, penis.
“You sick freak. How could you do that?”
“You have based your life on getting revenge on me. You
ruined your life, just to make me mad. Now, just to be ironic, you
won’t beat that record.”
“Wait, please, no!!”
“Sorry.” He grabs the knife, and stabs her in the chest. As
he pulls the knife out, she falls, and lands directly on Mr. Bush’s
member. Dante, shocked at what he did, kills himself. But, even if
you did think that to be cruel, wasn’t it triumphant? He finally,
after all these years, changed something. Maybe not for the better,
but does it matter?
After two hours of waiting, the crowd goes into her house.
The knock down the door, and see three people dead, one a stranger,
one a nation’s leader, and one on a guy’s dick. Everyone is
wondering the same question. Did she break the record before she
died? Randal, who was overly excited about the whole situation,
walked from the crowd. His best friend was dead, and, a girl who
gave him tremendous head was also dead. He picked her head up from
the ex-president now kind-of dictator’s dick, and looked closely.
There was a liquid hanging from her mouth, which spilled out after
she was lifted. Also, that liquid had dripped on George’s dick. He
knew what it was. He tremendously declared one crowd-lifting phrase.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your record breaker.”
After examining the specimen, it was true; the liquid was
semen. The public all believed one thing; she made George W. Bush
come. But, you know differently. How did the semen get there? Was
it that last thrust, when she fell on him? Was there an affect
similar to horror movies, where the stab victim spits out blood,
except, since she sucked so much come, that she spit out come? Or
did it come from some third option? You decide.