oooh, heavens, Hoyle, you make me blush...

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Posted by pixies chick at jerry1.healthpartners.com on July 08, 2002 at 11:34:10:

In Reply to: And Ze Vinner ees... posted by The Bastard on July 08, 2002 at 09:54:04:

IN that good way.
Funny stuff -- I'd a guessed I'd heard just about every sexual innuendo possible, but you pulled out some new ones.
Very funny, inventive stuff.

: docgenesplice! Congrats! All judges agreed that this was some funny shit!

:
: CRISIS ON INFINITE SNOOGANS!!
: By E.B. Hoyle AKA docgenesplice

:
: > > > The portal was cold, as it always was before ReEntry. No one knew this but
: old Jr., because no one else was ever in the chamber where the portal was
: housed.
: > > >
: > > > No one needed to be there at all, but a job was a job.
: > > >
: > > > Jr's options were limited. This was because Jr. was a lazy fuck. He knew
: this and embraced it, so his former attempts at jobs were what could be termed
: collosal flops.
: > > >
: > > > His first job, at the Quik Stop, was gotten because his dad had
: connections with Quik Stop. This lasted an hour.
: > > > Uncle Bob and Uncle Jay came in and stole all the Ding Dongs and that was
: that.

: > > > Then there was the fiasco with the Funeral home. When his last name was
: revealed he was escorted out by security. It was embarrasing. He lost this job
: because his dad apparently desecrated a corpse one single time....morticians
: have no sense of humor. You would figure a guy named Graves would work out well
: in a funeral home.

: Well..Job after job JR. was fired. Then came the Time Commitee.

: In 2054..Time travel was discovered accidentally by a scientist at Derris labs.
: Trish Jones, a scientist/writer, was researching the effects of radiation during
: sex with Multiple partners. A Portal through time was opened, and time was
: changed.

:
: It was a simple change.A man meant to die lived. an unimportant man named
: Dante Hicks. A man who in the original time frame was shot and killed. Jr grew
: up hearing about poor Uncle Dante.
: But now it was all changed. Dante..who was now not supposed to be ANYWHERE
: today was there. That small ripple changed it all.

: Soon Trish reported her findings to the companies president. Mr. derris, who
: always funded sexually related research, founded the Time Commitee. A group
: dedicated to keeping tabs on time travel and to reduce the changes to the
: timestream.

: Sadly, they were a bit late. Something about Hicks had sent spirals through the
: time/space continuum, causing gaps and inconsistencies, termed Enigmas,in
: history. A solution was needed.

: Much research and studies found two things. It was possible to close the gaps.
: The key was that people all had a "Cosmic Signature" that made certain people
: have more an effect on the time stream then others. The key was to find a
: person, or persons who had a signature that would not effect the timestream at
: all to fix the Enigmas.

: Two such people were found. Two people who somehow left no ripples in time. No
: matter what they did, they left no mark in the universe. Two utterly useless
: individuals.....

:
: The portal hummed and the chamber became cooler still..two shadowy figures
: began to materialize...

: "Snootch to the fucking time travelling Nootch!"

: the first bellowed. The second said nothing.

: "Damn Silent Bob,I bet Bill and Ted never got this much pussy jumping through
: time! BOnnngggg!"

: The second figure merely flipped out a zippo, and lit a
: ciggarette.

: The first,Jay, still wore his hair long and straight. It was a whitish silver
: color. His friend Bob may or may not have any hair. No one knew as he always
: wore his "Time Bandits" hat.(backwards of course)

: Though he stood mere inches from Jay and Jr., Bobs smoke did not reach them.
: Years ago, Derris labs had invented a personal energy field that kept smokers
: from polluting anyone around them. Jay often used his field to smoke himself
: out, making for a long lasting high.

: "Litle Randall man, hows it hanging? Still loving the cock?" Jay asked.

: "Uncle Jay, you junkie fuck, I told you, call me Jr. How did your mission go?"

: Jr. and Jay got along well, which drove jr.s dad crazy. They spared verbally as
: old friends often did.

: > "How did it go?Fucking Terrible man..We were sucked into another cocksucking
: vortex and were thrown into a motherfucking alternate timeline!"
: >
: > "Again?" Jr. asked
: >
: > "Yeah, but this was a nightmare. In this one there were another Jay and Silent
: Bob. But they were fucked up versions. The Jay NEVER talked! The cock smoking
: Bob never shut up! He went on and on about stupid bullshit that made no sense.
: .......I hate people who do that shit"
: >
: > Bob raised his eyebrows at that. Jr. wisely remained silent.
: >
: > "But did you find do what you were sent to do?"
: >
: > Bob nodded his head and gave a thumbs up.
: >
: > "Report Jay, you know the rules."
: >
: > Jay lit a joint and flipped Jr. off
: >
: > "I know the fucking game, dicklicker, hold on, let me at least adjust my
: sack.Time hopping always gets my balls mixed up. "
: >
: > Jr. waited as Jay made a presentation of reaching into his pants and making
: the adjustement. Then he reported.
: >
: > "We found another glitch. There were two mother fucking versions of the same
: dude running around. Name was william black. One of the fuckers like to swallow
: his own spooge,just like Silent Bob!"
: >
: bob flipped jay off

: > "The other bastard was a crazy fat fuck, babbled on and on about a boat! It
: was fucked up! But Bob did some crazy jedi
: > bullshit and patched up the time rift!"

: "So you sealed a rift. Great.DID YOU find what we are looking for? Did you find
: the dog?" Jr. asked without patience.

: "Hey, watch the mouth little man, I changed your diapers and shit, but I never
: checked out your package, so don't go thinking that shit!"

: "I am 86 Jay..I don't give a shit what you did. My job, which I NEED to keep, is
: to record what you found. So lets go"

: Jay signalled to Bob, who without a word produced a light for Jay to light a
: smoke with.

: "You know, we don't want this fucking job. We want things to be like they were.
: That bitch president Caitlin Bree went and legalized Weed so she could screw us
: out of our livelyhood. Thats foul, right Silent Bob?"

: Bob nodded.

: "Forced us to take this job,You know," Jay continued "She fucked a dead guy
: once. "

: "THE DOG JAY!" Jr. repeated.

: "Okay fucker, we found what we were sent to find, ok, ARE YOU HAPPY?" Jay asked
: and stormed out into the depressuring chamber"

: "Jay!" Jr. yelled..what happened???"

: "The dog is gone." a voice said.

: Jr. looked around to see who had spoken, he scanned the chamber, and then walked
: around Bob to see if anyone was hiding there. There was not.

: "It was me Jr.."

: Jr. staggered..the voice had come from....from Uncle Bob!

: "Oh calm down, just because you have not heard me talk in 86 years does not mean
: I cannot talk. You want the story or what?"

: Jr. nodded, not daring to speak lest he break the spell.

: "Walt Flanagans dog. The last remaining thing needed to permanently seal the
: multiple time lines has been found, and put in the timeline he belongs in. All
: anomalies are now accounted for."

: Jr.'s mouth hung open. Then it hit him..

: "Justice" He whispered."Justice and Amy. I am so sorry Uncle Bob." Jr. put his
: arm around Bob. They hugged.

: That was the moment Jay chose to walk back in.

: "You Homos want to be alone? I can go find some pussy if you two want to eat
: each others bottle rockets."

: "No Uncle Jay, its alright, We're finished"

: "Yeah, it does not take silent Bob long to get a guy to shoot his man juice, not
: that I would know...."

: Jr. went to jay. He offered his outstreched hands. Jay hesitated, as if
: considering the offer. He turned away.

: "Uncle Jay, I know how much Justices death hurt you, and I know that each
: universe you and Bob went to, you were both seeking that one timeline where
: Justice AND Amy still lived. I know now that all Enigmas are back in place the
: Time Commitee will shut down all time travel. I am sorry."

: "Just do it. Close the portal forever.." Jay said with resignation.

: Jr. smiled and sat down. He put his feet up.

: "Do you know why you two were chosen to hop time lines?"
: Jr asked as he pulled out two devices shaped very phallically.

: "Not because we like it in the ass screwball! Get away from me!"

: Jr laughed and handed them each one of the devices. Bob smiled, understanding.

: "You were chosen because you two have unique signatures that DO NOT effect the
: time stream. No matter what actions you take, it will never create an Enigma."

: "So what?" Jay asked. The Commitee is closing the door for good, the fuckers."

: "Yes," Jr. said, "which side of the door do you want to be on when that
: happens?"

: Jay looked at Jr. He started to nod, then shook his head.

: "What the fuck are you babbling about?"

: "Idiot" Bob said, amcking jay in the head and almost giving Jr. a heart attack.

: "we are going back in. Forever. To find our perfect world with our perfect
: ladies"

: Jays eyes brightened..

: Bob turned to Jr.

: "You will lose your job." he said.

: Yup,runs in the family.." was Jr.s reply

: "you gotta hurry though..get the fuck outta here."

: "Lets go Silent Bob, Just like Quantum Fucking Leap! "

: As the pair entered the portal..Jr smiled and he listened and heard a voice in
: the vortex..

: "Silent bob, keep that time dildo away from me...Fag...."

: The end???????????????????????????

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Comments:
: IN that good way. : Funny stuff -- I'd a guessed I'd heard just about every sexual innuendo possible, but you pulled out some new ones. : Very funny, inventive stuff. : : docgenesplice! Congrats! All judges agreed that this was some funny shit! : : : : : CRISIS ON INFINITE SNOOGANS!! : : By E.B. Hoyle AKA docgenesplice : : : : > > > The portal was cold, as it always was before ReEntry. No one knew this but : : old Jr., because no one else was ever in the chamber where the portal was : : housed. : : > > > : : > > > No one needed to be there at all, but a job was a job. : : > > > : : > > > Jr's options were limited. This was because Jr. was a lazy fuck. He knew : : this and embraced it, so his former attempts at jobs were what could be termed : : collosal flops. : : > > > : : > > > His first job, at the Quik Stop, was gotten because his dad had : : connections with Quik Stop. This lasted an hour. : : > > > Uncle Bob and Uncle Jay came in and stole all the Ding Dongs and that was : : that. : : > > > Then there was the fiasco with the Funeral home. When his last name was : : revealed he was escorted out by security. It was embarrasing. He lost this job : : because his dad apparently desecrated a corpse one single time....morticians : : have no sense of humor. You would figure a guy named Graves would work out well : : in a funeral home. : : Well..Job after job JR. was fired. Then came the Time Commitee. : : In 2054..Time travel was discovered accidentally by a scientist at Derris labs. : : Trish Jones, a scientist/writer, was researching the effects of radiation during : : sex with Multiple partners. A Portal through time was opened, and time was : : changed. : : : : It was a simple change.A man meant to die lived. an unimportant man named : : Dante Hicks. A man who in the original time frame was shot and killed. Jr grew : : up hearing about poor Uncle Dante. : : But now it was all changed. Dante..who was now not supposed to be ANYWHERE : : today was there. That small ripple changed it all. : : Soon Trish reported her findings to the companies president. Mr. derris, who : : always funded sexually related research, founded the Time Commitee. A group : : dedicated to keeping tabs on time travel and to reduce the changes to the : : timestream. : : Sadly, they were a bit late. Something about Hicks had sent spirals through the : : time/space continuum, causing gaps and inconsistencies, termed Enigmas,in : : history. A solution was needed. : : Much research and studies found two things. It was possible to close the gaps. : : The key was that people all had a "Cosmic Signature" that made certain people : : have more an effect on the time stream then others. The key was to find a : : person, or persons who had a signature that would not effect the timestream at : : all to fix the Enigmas. : : Two such people were found. Two people who somehow left no ripples in time. No : : matter what they did, they left no mark in the universe. Two utterly useless : : individuals..... : : : : The portal hummed and the chamber became cooler still..two shadowy figures : : began to materialize... : : : "Snootch to the fucking time travelling Nootch!" : : : the first bellowed. The second said nothing. : : "Damn Silent Bob,I bet Bill and Ted never got this much pussy jumping through : : time! BOnnngggg!" : : The second figure merely flipped out a zippo, and lit a : : ciggarette. : : The first,Jay, still wore his hair long and straight. It was a whitish silver : : color. His friend Bob may or may not have any hair. No one knew as he always : : wore his "Time Bandits" hat.(backwards of course) : : Though he stood mere inches from Jay and Jr., Bobs smoke did not reach them. : : Years ago, Derris labs had invented a personal energy field that kept smokers : : from polluting anyone around them. Jay often used his field to smoke himself : : out, making for a long lasting high. : : "Litle Randall man, hows it hanging? Still loving the cock?" Jay asked. : : "Uncle Jay, you junkie fuck, I told you, call me Jr. How did your mission go?" : : Jr. and Jay got along well, which drove jr.s dad crazy. They spared verbally as : : old friends often did. : : > "How did it go?Fucking Terrible man..We were sucked into another cocksucking : : vortex and were thrown into a motherfucking alternate timeline!" : : > : : > "Again?" Jr. asked : : > : : > "Yeah, but this was a nightmare. In this one there were another Jay and Silent : : Bob. But they were fucked up versions. The Jay NEVER talked! The cock smoking : : Bob never shut up! He went on and on about stupid bullshit that made no sense. : : .......I hate people who do that shit" : : > : : > Bob raised his eyebrows at that. Jr. wisely remained silent. : : > : : > "But did you find do what you were sent to do?" : : > : : > Bob nodded his head and gave a thumbs up. : : > : : > "Report Jay, you know the rules." : : > : : > Jay lit a joint and flipped Jr. off : : > : : > "I know the fucking game, dicklicker, hold on, let me at least adjust my : : sack.Time hopping always gets my balls mixed up. " : : > : : > Jr. waited as Jay made a presentation of reaching into his pants and making : : the adjustement. Then he reported. : : > : : > "We found another glitch. There were two mother fucking versions of the same : : dude running around. Name was william black. One of the fuckers like to swallow : : his own spooge,just like Silent Bob!" : : > : : bob flipped jay off : : > "The other bastard was a crazy fat fuck, babbled on and on about a boat! It : : was fucked up! But Bob did some crazy jedi : : > bullshit and patched up the time rift!" : : "So you sealed a rift. Great.DID YOU find what we are looking for? Did you find : : the dog?" Jr. asked without patience. : : "Hey, watch the mouth little man, I changed your diapers and shit, but I never : : checked out your package, so don't go thinking that shit!" : : "I am 86 Jay..I don't give a shit what you did. My job, which I NEED to keep, is : : to record what you found. So lets go" : : Jay signalled to Bob, who without a word produced a light for Jay to light a : : smoke with. : : "You know, we don't want this fucking job. We want things to be like they were. : : That bitch president Caitlin Bree went and legalized Weed so she could screw us : : out of our livelyhood. Thats foul, right Silent Bob?" : : Bob nodded. : : "Forced us to take this job,You know," Jay continued "She fucked a dead guy : : once. " : : "THE DOG JAY!" Jr. repeated. : : "Okay fucker, we found what we were sent to find, ok, ARE YOU HAPPY?" Jay asked : : and stormed out into the depressuring chamber" : : "Jay!" Jr. yelled..what happened???" : : "The dog is gone." a voice said. : : Jr. looked around to see who had spoken, he scanned the chamber, and then walked : : around Bob to see if anyone was hiding there. There was not. : : "It was me Jr.." : : Jr. staggered..the voice had come from....from Uncle Bob! : : "Oh calm down, just because you have not heard me talk in 86 years does not mean : : I cannot talk. You want the story or what?" : : Jr. nodded, not daring to speak lest he break the spell. : : "Walt Flanagans dog. The last remaining thing needed to permanently seal the : : multiple time lines has been found, and put in the timeline he belongs in. All : : anomalies are now accounted for." : : Jr.'s mouth hung open. Then it hit him.. : : "Justice" He whispered."Justice and Amy. I am so sorry Uncle Bob." Jr. put his : : arm around Bob. They hugged. : : That was the moment Jay chose to walk back in. : : "You Homos want to be alone? I can go find some pussy if you two want to eat : : each others bottle rockets." : : "No Uncle Jay, its alright, We're finished" : : "Yeah, it does not take silent Bob long to get a guy to shoot his man juice, not : : that I would know...." : : Jr. went to jay. He offered his outstreched hands. Jay hesitated, as if : : considering the offer. He turned away. : : "Uncle Jay, I know how much Justices death hurt you, and I know that each : : universe you and Bob went to, you were both seeking that one timeline where : : Justice AND Amy still lived. I know now that all Enigmas are back in place the : : Time Commitee will shut down all time travel. I am sorry." : : "Just do it. Close the portal forever.." Jay said with resignation. : : Jr. smiled and sat down. He put his feet up. : : "Do you know why you two were chosen to hop time lines?" : : Jr asked as he pulled out two devices shaped very phallically. : : "Not because we like it in the ass screwball! Get away from me!" : : Jr laughed and handed them each one of the devices. Bob smiled, understanding. : : "You were chosen because you two have unique signatures that DO NOT effect the : : time stream. No matter what actions you take, it will never create an Enigma." : : "So what?" Jay asked. The Commitee is closing the door for good, the fuckers." : : "Yes," Jr. said, "which side of the door do you want to be on when that : : happens?" : : Jay looked at Jr. He started to nod, then shook his head. : : "What the fuck are you babbling about?" : : "Idiot" Bob said, amcking jay in the head and almost giving Jr. a heart attack. : : "we are going back in. Forever. To find our perfect world with our perfect : : ladies" : : Jays eyes brightened.. : : Bob turned to Jr. : : "You will lose your job." he said. : : Yup,runs in the family.." was Jr.s reply : : "you gotta hurry though..get the fuck outta here." : : "Lets go Silent Bob, Just like Quantum Fucking Leap! " : : As the pair entered the portal..Jr smiled and he listened and heard a voice in : : the vortex.. : : "Silent bob, keep that time dildo away from me...Fag...." : : The end???????????????????????????

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