Posted by TangoMania at 12-230-238-226.client.attbi.com on August 09, 2002 at 16:06:26:
Read this on location report if you missed out! sounds fantastic! I'm sorry I missed it! Ha ha! Well bye
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Wow, what a fantastic time. I couldn't decide whether to post this or just hold out for News Askew's inevitable solicitation of Vulgarthon stories,
since whatever I write here is probably gonna be longer than the Cigarette Fairy's dick, but... what the hell. Apologies for the length.
First of all, let me just say this: I've been to five View Askew events in a row now (three Vulgarthons, the Stash Bash, and the DOGMA
premiere), and no joke, each one is more fun than the last. I don't know whether that's because I know more people each time or just because
the world as a whole keeps improving, but seriously, this was the most fun I'd had at a View Askew event yet. Great people, great films, and
loads of fun. My sincere thanks to everybody, from the people who put it together to my fellow ticket-buyers.
Anyway. I showed up at the Stash on Sunday afternoon, to pick up my tickets, hat, and button. I picked up A BETTER PLACE, my first DVD ever,
along with quite a bit of other merchandise; I think I spent more at the Stash this time than at the other four gigs combined. I must've paid for,
like, an entire DAY of Harley's college education. The Stash contained some cool J&SBSB props, including the actual Bluntmobile, with life-sized
Bluntman and Chronic props inside there. (The phony Kevin looked so real that I was almost surprised to see the real Kevin hanging out in the
back.) I met up with Christy (MoseyCat), Ash (Snixen), and Dan (Mr. Snixen), sold my spare ticket to Christy (thanks again for taking it off of my
hands!), and got a ride with the Rhode Island trio to the Holiday Inn, where I took a nap 'cause I am as unto a boring old man, and then got up
and headed down to Morgan's. Bought a drink, got bored, crossed over to Harley's, which was a lot more fun. The highlight was definitely the
block of shorts from Andy Milonakis (DJ Andy), who's always been a funny li'l motherfucker, but is even funnier on video than in person, and
even funnier with peanut butter on his face than without. We also saw a student film which starred Mike Cecconi (Smalls), another very cool guy
who looks like John Popper in person, but resembled Eddie from the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW in person. Mike's awesome, and it was
nice to finally meet him. The party then moved to room 509 (thanks again to the coolios who allowed us all into their room), where I met many
more cool people and consumed many more cool beers.
I had never seen JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK before, 'cause its theatrical release coincided with my move to college, and my only ride
into town coincided with a roommate who didn't want to see it. The hotel had it on Pay-Per-View, though, so I ordered the film and watched it
for the first time. LOVED it. It was actually better than I'd expected. Loads of fun (although I do have just one real criticism: the ending kinda left
me cold).
Monday morning, I took a cab to the theatre, and once inside, the schedule was revealed to us: VULGAR, JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK
(wish I'd known that the night before!), a collection of outtakes from J&SBSB, the dinner break, Jeff Anderson's NOW YOU KNOW, and the big
bad BIG HELIUM DOG. The guest list, aside from Kevin, included Vincent, Brian Lynch, Bryan Johnson, Walt Flanagan, Brian O'Halloran, Jeff
Anderson (in his first Vulgarthon appearance!), Brian Quinn (from BHD, and also a former View Askew employee), Matt Kawczynski (star of
BHD), and... probably someone else, I dunno. Apologies to whoever I left out.
VULGAR was very good. I didn't really know what to expect from it (aside from a healthy dose of clown rape), and it was really done well. I'll
stay away from major spoilers here, but I particularly liked the actor who played the main antagonist, a character reminiscent of Dennis Hopper
in BLUE VELVET. Bryan Johnson is a sick motherfucker, and I say that with the greatest of admiration.
My only complaint about the screening had nothing at all to do with the film: I'd felt a bit woozy all morning-- not like a hangover, but more like I
hadn't eaten dinner the night before and I needed some food in me. The popcorn and fruit punch didn't help, and I gradually felt more and more
nauseous. I thought it might help to try to vomit... but I did NOT think that I wouldn't even make it to the bathroom in time. Wow. In one of the
strangest and most embarrassing things to happen to me in a long time, I spewed all over the hallway floor. I apologized to the theatre staff,
then came out with an Act Two, and decided that apologies could wait. I ran to the bathroom, delivered a denouement, and came out to get a
drink of water, some fresh air, and my bearings. I felt so bad for the theatre employees. I saw Kevin hanging out in the lobby with Harley and
Malcolm, so I announced myself to him as presumably the first vomiter in Vulgarthon-theatre history. We chatted a bit, but he clearly wanted a
bit of quiet time to himself, so I decided to get back to VULGAR. Incidentally, Harley is such a cute little kid, and I find it so amusing that at her
age, she had no clue what was going on. She doesn't realise that her daddy has fans, and probably can't even imagine what fame is; she just
saw a bunch of boring grownups, was all. It was probably like the equivalent of visiting one's parent at work, or something.
I want a T-shirt which says BRYAN JOHNSON MADE ME VOMIT AT VULGARTHON 2002.
So, I watched the rest of the excellent film, and then stuck around for Johnson and O'Halloran's Q&A. I asked Johnson what he had planned for
the future, and he revealed that he and Malcolm had an idea for an as-yet-untitled horror film.
Next up was Jason Lee's video: he caught the other two Vulgarthons, but couldn't make this one, so he decided to send along a pre-recorded
greeting. This was hilarious, because he was obviously winging it, and he once again proved himself both a very funny and very cool guy.
Next: J&SBSB, followed by several deleted scenes. My favourite was Jay's second chant/rap, about his desire to place his balls in a girl's mouth.
Pure gold (the chant, not the balls, although I have heard from several sources that he has 24 karats between his legs). There were also some
nice scenes of the girls in their underwear, getting frisky with Joe Quesada and, in some cases, with each other (Kevin has now convinced TWO
of his significant others to go girl-on-girl on camera, and good goddamn, I wanna be a filmmaker now). Other highlights: Will Ferrell doing
various ad-libs during a scene which never made the film; the hooker scene which appeared in the trailer; Randal's ABC comment from the
Internet trailer; a hilarious coda to Seann William Scott's role (this should've been left in the film!); Adam Carolla's scene (he was good, but the
scene wasn't very funny); an extended version of Will Ferrell and Jon Stewart riffing on the C.L.I.T.; Silent Bob's would-be final line, dissing Jay;
the return of Scott Mosier's Banky-baiter from CHASING AMY; and Jay's HILARIOUS ad-lib during the Carrie Fisher scene. I can't wait for the
DVD.
Incidentally, here's a bit of semi-news: Kevin had said before in relation to his Fletch film that he wouldn't direct it unless Jason Lee played
Fletch, but when he repeated that this time, he added something like "at this point, I really don't see any reason why it wouldn't end up being
Lee". So, Lee's seemed likely all along, but he seems that much more likely now. Also in the Q&A, Kevin amusingly described Harry Knowles's
reviews as kinda rambling, talking about every little detail except the film-- which I mention 'cause, wow, does that ever hit home right about
now.
Next up was the dinner break, during which Kevin and company committed a great deal of signage. Check out this gag gift: my college
roommate has a love-hate relationship with Kevin, and he absolutely loathes MALLRATS. He digs on Kevin's work when it's more sophisticated a
la CHASING AMY, and he thinks Kevin squanders his potential on silly comedies about Jay and Silent Bob. So, I picked him up a MALLRATS video,
on which Kevin signed "Learn it. Know it. Live it." Yee-haw. I also got some Vincent ink on my ABP DVD (that sentence would sound so dirty if
only "ABP DVD" had some sort of other meaning).
Back to the theatre for NOW YOU KNOW-- which is actually still in post-production, so some of the technical issues weren't really refined yet, and
these were the first screenings of the film anywhere (I believe Jeff said that most of the cast and crew hadn't even seen it yet). Ladies and
gentlemen, this film was AMAZING. It totally blew me away, and everyone else at the V-Thon apparently felt the same way. What an excellent
film. When I'd heard that Jeff was making a film, I wanted to see it sheerly out of curiousity, but I didn't really have any high expectations,
considering that he had no other writing or directorial work for me to judge. I saw this film, and... wow. Wow wow wow. I hope this gets some
sort of distribution so that everyone who wasn't at the Vulgarthon can see it, 'cause working behind the camera is definitely Jeff's true calling. He
was clearly very nervous about showing his first film to its first audiences, and I think he was just as pleasantly surprised with the warm
reception as the audiences all were with the film's top-notch quality. I sincerely hope that Jeff Anderson has a long and prosperous filmmaking
career ahead of him, because if he can turn out something like NOW YOU KNOW on his first try, then the sky's the limit in the future.
Finally, BIG HELIUM DOG-- which, as far as I'm concerned, was the headliner. I'd seen this at the last Vulgarthon, and I hope I get to see it a few
thousand more times, because this is my kind of humour. I think God created Brian Lynch for the sole purpose of making me laugh, 'cause I'm
definitely this film's target audience. Fuck, man, when this film gets a DVD release someday, I'll buy every copy and hand 'em out on Halloween.
There aren't very many films which I force every single friend of mine to watch if they ever want to talk to me again: Hal Hartley's TRUST, and
now A BETTER PLACE, and that's about all; even some of my favourite films just aren't for everyone. But when BHD gets released, you can bet
that anyone who doesn't watch it gets excommunicated. I'll totally declare myself a sovereign nation and declare war against any individual or
group who fails to watch and love this film. Anyone who wants to join the Big Helium Dog Is A Better Film Than You Are A Person Club, I'm the
man to see. What more can I say? This is an excellent, excellent film. The Q&A went well, too. Lynch revealed that the scenes at the end
between Kevin and Michael Ian Black were largely ad-libbed, which I thought was interesting. Also, Lynch absolutely DID NOT tell us any stories
about his experiences writing for the Muppets. Nothing at all. He didn't say a word. But he did show us an Angry Naked Pat cartoon. This was
particularly cool for me 'cause I've yet to watch the online cartoons: due to various computer problems, I wouldn't have been able to watch them
until a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure whether or not this one is online yet; it was called "Every Which Wayans But Loose", and it featured the
animated debut of Monkeyman. Honestly, I don't think Angry Naked Pat (whether in animated or cartoon form) is really the best that Brian is
capable of; it's good, but not nearly as good as BIG HELIUM DOG, and I feel like he has it in him to do better. But that said, it's still good, and the
cartoon had quite a few very funny moments. The voices were all done pretty well, and I especially liked the way Pat's ex-girlfriend (voiced by
Brian's current girlfriend) up-voiced the ends of her sentences (i.e. "this one time, at band camp"), which I drunkenly tried to tell her at the
bowling alley, but it probably came out more like "abba dabba voice up I am drunk".
Which brings us to the Memory Lanes party. Loads of fun, although the pizza kinda sucked. What stands out most in my memory about the party
was the band: Merrick. They were most excellent, they were. When I heard that there'd be a band, I figured it'd just be some shitty local band
brought in as an afterthought, but holy lord, was I ever wrong. Merrick were excellent, and as a big fan of giving credit where it's due, I made
sure to tell each individual band member how good they were. They were all quite cool, and I talked to the bassist for a good long while about
Soul Coughing and Medeski, Martin, & Wood. It also turned out that some of the band members are good friends with Petra Haden and Anna
Waronker, both formerly of the band that dog, of which I'm a big fan. I picked up the band's CD and a T-shirt (which, unfortunately, turned out
to be too small for me), and one of my first orders of business after I finish writing this is gonna be checking out their website,
http://www.merrick.la . They got involved with this party via their friendship with Jen Smith, so I thanked her for delivering Merrick into our
lives. Also in the credit where it's due department, I told Jeff Anderson how I feel about his film, that I would rave about it to anyone who would
listen, and that I plan to write a glowing review of it on the IMDB. He said that he hadn't felt at all nervous during the making of the film, but that
when the time came to actually show it to us, he got very nervous, and he seemed genuinely flattered by all of the gushing. I saw Matt
Kawczynski and complimented him on his performance... I saw Lynch, who thanked me for asking multiple questions in the Q&A in light of the
bafflingly cold reception his film apparently got in theatre two (what's wrong with you people?)... and I shook Kevin's hand and thanked him for
the whole shindig. He remembered me from earlier in the day and asked if I was feeling better (which I was; I still have no fucking clue why my
innards so suddenly got panicky and just as suddenly settled down); I think I picked up a reputation among the crowd as Vomity Uncle Hal.
Back at the hotel, things were a bit calmer than they'd been on Sunday night, since we'd all gotten our party on at Memory Lanes, so I hung out
a bit, thanked the 509 people again for their hospitality, and then, not having secured a room of my own for Monday night, I crashed in the suite
of Rey from Brooklyn, who I once again thank very, very much for being kind enough to give me his sofa-bed. Rey rocks. Also, my name + his
name = Harley.
And Tuesday morning, I woke up and made a quick peace-out. I hereby hurl some shout-outs at some of the astoundingly cool people who I met
and chilled with: Kevin, thanks for everything; Jen, who's always cool; Brian Lynch, for making a Hal-oriented film without even knowing it at the
time; Brian O'Halloran, always a great guy; Jeff Anderson, who deserves every last good thing everyone ever says about him and his film; Bryan
Johnson, for reviving the long-lost clown-rape genre; Walt Flanagan, who patiently listened when I drunkenly told him that I once had a dream in
which he started his own production company; Vincent, who put in large amounts of work so that silly little fuckers like myself could have a great
time; Lenny, who put in similarly large amounts of work and is an all-around great guy; Christy, Ash, and Dan, the Rhode Islanders who helped
me out; Jennifer (jennifer_ann_7) and her friend Pat, who gave me a ride back from Memory Lanes, and let me just tell you that the very cool
Jennifer can make a pink MALLRATS shirt work like few others can; Mike and Victoria, the Day 2-ers from Indiana who gave me a ride back to
the Red Bank train station; Rey, representin' for Brooklyn and helping a brother out; the astoundingly beautiful Vicky from England, who I'd
talked to online but never thought I'd get to meet, and whose presence was easily the most pleasant surprise of an experience which contained
many pleasant surprises; the incredibly cool Alexandra from Connecticut, who I met last time, and who is smart, funny, cool, witty, has superb
taste in music, and just keeps getting cooler with every single thing she says, and I wish I could clone her and create a world of Alexandras; Joe
III and his father Joe Jr. who picked up the dinner tab; the duo of Scottish girls, Kirsty and the one whose name I apologise for forgetting, but
they were both very cool, and one of them was a vegetarian and a Virgo on top of being Scottish, so I hope I get to marry her someday; Randy
(yourfriendlyneighborhoodSomber), who I met at the last V-Thon, and he's a really cool guy who it was nice to see again; Mike Cecconi
(Smalls), who's a wicked cool guy; Kate (Isis), who is EXTREMELY cool, easily one of the coolest people I met, and I really hope we keep in
touch, because very few people can rock as hard as Kate does and look as good in the process; Andy Milonakis, who's always fun to be around;
Ming, who's just as amiable offline as he is online, and if I ever get famous, I'm totally hiring him for my website; Chris (Violent Bob), who I
think is mad cool whether he likes it or not; Remy (junk-foo), the funky Frenchman who turned my train ride to Manhattan into an enlightening
cultural experience; Rob (RugMuncher), who I'm glad showed up and had a great time, 'cause he's a very cool guy who deserves it; Joe from
Merrick, who plays the upright bass like nobody's business, and the rest of the excellent band, whose CD I can't wait to listen to; all of the
people to whom I said "hi, nice to meet you, what's your name?" two or more times; and everybody else. I'm sure I've left someone out, and I
apologise for it; there were just so many people there. But everyone was wonderful, and I had a great time through it all. I wish I could
name-drop every single person I saw, but really, if one were to castrate all of the males in attendance and string their dicks together in a row,
that'd still be shorter than this Great American Novel I've written here... so I'm out. I'm now gonna check out everybody else's posts, and then
watch my DOGMA and A BETTER PLACE DVDs, listen to my Merrick CD, read my BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC graphic novel, spend a couple of
hours watching an imaginary BIG HELIUM DOG DVD with deleted scenes and a commentary track, and then just pass out. Merry Vulgarthon to
all, and to all a good 5:36 A.M.!!!