Posted by bob_the_rather_irrate_monkey at webcacheb10a.cache.pol.co.uk on August 26, 2002 at 17:03:51:
Hello everyone. Do you ever wonder what happens to old people when they are pushed in front of an on-coming truck doing ninety miles an hour? Well, it turns out that they don't actually bounce back unharmed like superman, and begin to giggle and ask to repeat the experience again. I know, it shocked me too. But you live and learn. Unless you're Mr. Jacobs from the bottom of my street, in which case you die and I learn.
Anyway, I digress. I should not bring my irrelevant shit to this board when you want to talk about the real issues, like how many times you can mention the word Vagina. I, of course, am far above this kind of childish behaviour. I am a cultured monkey, a monkey of the world, and as such would never suggest that it might be amusing to title a movie "Teenage Mutant Ninja Vaginas". No. Not me.
I am here to warn you all of a danger that we all face. Something that threatens each and every one of us. A masked, cloaked enemy that moves in the shadows and thrives on the complacency of the human race. No, I am not referring to VD - if your idea of humour is saying Vagina as much as possible I doubt many of you are at risk from this. The threat I speak of is of course, the Koala. These evil marsupials are conspiring as I speak to overthrow human dominance of the world and reduce us all to slaves, working day and night to produce 60 ft. tall statues of comedian Jerry Seinfeld, who is their leader. Now I know what most of you are thinking. "Koalas!? Threatening us? Led by Jerry Seinfeld? Why, that's the stupidest darn thing I ever did hear, this monkey must be nuttier than squirrel shit". Well my friends, the statisitcs don't lie. Last year, in California alone, five hundred million people were killed in koala attacks. Still feeling so confident?
I cannot reveal any details of my resistance movement here, as there may be koalas monitoring this message board. I would advise all of you to be on your guard though, and if anyone you knows displays the classic signs of being a koala - having fluffy ears, eating eucalyptus leaves and working in the insurance industry, shoot them between the eyes immediately. Good luck my friends, and remain vigilant......