Posted by Beavis at maxtnt04-20.phlpa.fast.net on March 17, 2003 at 02:51:44:
DISCLAIMER: Everything here EXCEPT for the very last paragraph was written 4 weeks ago. Since then, my surgery has been pushed back to April 8th.
Back when I was 10 years old, I met a girl named Nancy. BOOM! Talk about love at first sight (well, for me, anyway). She was, and is, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, met and even seen (inside as well as out). I say was and is, because there is a middle portion that is different that I’ll get into later on. We became friends and over the course of the next 4 years grew as close friends. I felt like I could talk to her about anything. We would spend hours nearly every night talking on the phone about nothing and everything. I fell madly and deeply in love with her. Twice over one summer I rode my bike 10 miles to her house to hang out. One time after we went to a pizza place, played some miniature golf in her yard and went for a swim in her pool, I came down with a major headache and knew that I would not be able to ride my bike the ten miles uphill to my house. So I asked her Mom if she could give me some tylenol to take care of my headache so I could ride home. Nancy’s Mom didn’t want to just give ANY kind of medication to anyone else’s children without knowing if it was safe or not, so she ended up throwing my bike in the back of her van and driving me back home. (Now, I know that this is starting to seem like I’m rambling, but TRUST ME, it DOES have relevance later on in the story).
Flash forward 2 years later as we are both entering High School. Nancy started hanging out with the ‘popular’ crowd and became a cheerleader, whereas I was pretty much just ‘the loner’. We still talked every now and then, and I was still deeply in love with her. But as the next year would go by, our friendship ended up deteriorating to just casual acquaintances, and I figured it best to not initiate any contact between us because she was part of the ‘in-crowd’ and had gotten a bit of a ‘I’m too good for you because you’re not cool enough for my friends’ attitude. But then when we were both 16, the doctors who I had been seeing for years told me that my kidney was starting to act up and that it was time to start discussing dialysis and transplantation. This freaked the hell out of me like the fear of God. And I decided that it was time to clear some things up and get some closure on situations before my life went completely down the tubes(I was young and thought that I might die soon). So, I wrote her a very long, very emotional letter explaining just how I felt about her and what she meant to me. Well, so often as I would learn later in life, the written word is often taken much stronger than the spoken word, and also the fact that she got this letter from me from WAY FAR out of left field (from having virtually NO contact to receiving a letter declaring undying love is about as unexpected as you can get). She took it the wrong way. She thought I was either going to commit suicide if she didn’t go out with me or that I was going to try and kill anyone that she went out with. She freaked out and I’m not sure if it was a defense mechanism for her to try and keep me away from her or if it was a deliberately vindictive act, but she started spreading lies about me. She was telling everyone that I was obsessed with her and that I was stalking her. She told people that I used to ‘always’ come over to her house uninvited and ‘make’ her Mom drive me home (see, that is where the previous story comes in). She also told people that she had to have a restraining order filed against me (which was also not true). So, as she was dragging my name through the mud, making me out to be a complete psychopathic stalker, I fell into a deep depression, quite seriously on the verge of taking my own life (not because she didn’t want to be with me, but because of how bad I felt for scaring her so badly, and I was actually starting to believe all of the lies she spreading about me and was thinking that I truly was a bad person). And that is what I meant about her being the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known then and now, THAT middle part wasn’t too pretty. So needless to say, we haven’t spoken since, until the other night, but that as well is for later in the story.
Graduation came and went, Nancy was named Homecoming Queen, I got into Highlander and found the inspiration that pulled me out of my depression and gave me hope to go on living.
Flash forward again to this past May (or was it June, I forget, I swear my short-term memory is going). Our entire graduating class completely forgot about our 5 year reunion, so we all got together for a 6 year belated reunion. I went with my 2 best friends and was having a pretty good time, and then Nancy arrived and everyone who knew me saw my mood drop through the floor. I wanted so much to just be able to speak with her and tell her that I’m sorry for anything I had ever done to scare or hurt her and that I missed her as a friend so much. But I was too terrified that she would freak out again, so I ended up avoiding her at all costs. That was the last time I saw her until 2 nights ago. But, ‘again’, I need to hold off on the that part for a little while longer.
Then in July I had to go into the hospital because my kidney actually had failed and it truly was time for me to start dialysis and discussing transplantation, but there was a new problem as well. A major misalignment in the vertebrae of my neck which was forcing the top-most vertebrae to actually push against my brain stem and into my brain cavity, which would require a lengthy and complicated surgery. Well this time, the fear of God was REALLY struck into me and I wanted to clear EVERYTHING up with EVERYONE in my life. I had a large support system of friends and family. And in November, one of my friends wanted to help me smooth things over with Nancy so that I could have some closure on the situation and peace of mind. But, my friend informed me that Nancy was in a major car accident in September where she almost died. Well this made my heart just sink even lower. Even after all she did and said, I still wished NO harm to her whatsoever and was so sorry that she had to endure that traumatic experience. Along comes January. My 25th birthday comes and goes, I get a set date for my neck surgery, and my friend tells me that she is going to try and get in touch with Nancy through another friend-in-common to try and set things straight. Well, a few weeks go by and it ends up that my friend completely forgot to get in touch with her and Nancy’s friend-in-common. So I’m thinking, “Oh well, looks like I’ll just have to go into surgery with some things not cleared up”. Until I just happened to run into Nancy 2 nights ago.
It was my last weekend that I’d be able to do anything for a very long time (my surgery is this coming Tuesday), and I decided to go out bar-hopping. I went to 3 different bars which were all pretty much dead, so I decided to go to another bar, which was packed. And who do I see as soon as I walk in sitting on the corner stool right next to my one friend’s ‘friend-in-common’, but Nancy. I noticed her friend look right at me, but I played it off like I didn’t even see them. About a half-hour later, I decide “Okay, it’s time for me to get some balls. If I want this to happen, I have to initiate it myself”. So after 2 beers, I decide to walk over to her and try to start some kind of conversation. Nancy’s friend was in the bathroom (I didn’t realize that until I was 2 feet away from her) and I swallowed my fear and said to myself “It’s now or never”. I walk over to her and tap her on the shoulder and say “Excuse me miss, may I buy you a drink and a few minutes of your time?” And then the last thing that I ever expected to happen did. She turned, looked at me, realized who I was, and smiled at me with bright welcoming eyes and said “Hey, how are ya doing?!”. I never thought that I would ever see that look in her eyes directed at me again. At that moment all of my fears and any uncertainty I had disappeared.
We ended up talking for over 3 hours that night. The accident that she was in was far worse than I had heard. Her left arm was majorly screwed up, half of her face was torn off, and she ended up losing ALOT of her memory. She remembered who I was, but not the crap that happened between us in High School. All the stuck-up, ‘better-than-you’ attitude she had was gone. She was again, the sweet, accepting, open-hearted woman who I originally fell in love with. I told her about what was going on with me as far as my deteriorating health was concerned (which she was not aware of) and she told me that she wanted to get tested to see if she could be a match for donating a kidney to me. I tried explaining to her what happened between us in High School and how sorry I was for anything I had ever said or done to scare or hurt her, but she could not remember any of it. When the bar closed I walked her to her car and we hugged and she told me that I better keep in touch with her about how I’m doing.
*sigh* Well, it ends up that the situation with Nancy is NOT what I thought it was. That night at the bar, she was simply wearing a mask. She does in fact remember the shit that happened between us back in High School from HER perspective, which I never got to explain to her in detail my own perspective of what happened or my reasons for why I did what I did. She was just being *nice* to me. She still sees me as being the same person I was back in High School. There is NO hope for building anything with her. There is NO clean slate. There is NO 2nd chance. And I only found this out because last night I was at the same bar, and she was there with 2 of her friends and her sister. Nancy ignored me the entire night. Whenever I tried to speak to her, she either acted like she didn't hear me or got up and went to another part of the bar for a few minutes. Her sister was the one who finally talked to me and told me the entire situation.
Post a Followup