Posted by PussyGalore at cpe000795eac030-cm.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com on March 20, 2003 at 10:30:35:
In Reply to: Here's a long joke, an oldie but a goodie :) posted by Beatrice_Rapaccinni on March 20, 2003 at 01:18:38:
FADE IN:
INT. SUB
THE SUB is investigating the remains of TITANIC.
BILL PAXTON
Wow, look at that great relic.
There must have been thousands of
fascinating stories that were cut
suddenly short by this tragedy.
JAMES CAMERON
Yeah, but why bother with those
when I can heroically cast myself as
a young ruffian starring in a
contrived romance? I mean, c'mon...
"Jack Dawson"? "James Cameron"? Who
am I fooling?
EXT. BILL PAXTON'S SHIP
BILL PAXTON
Well, we searched the wreck of the
Titanic and all we found were real-
life stories.
GLORIA STUART
Maybe I can help you, then. You
have been searching for "The Cheese
of the Ocean", have you not?
BILL PAXTON
Why yes, yes we have! How did you
know?
GLORIA STUART
Help you I will, but explain all I
cannot. Resist the Dark Side you
must. Hmph, impatient these young
ones are. Training them impossible
is. Most erotic experiences of life
tell them of I will not.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER'S GHOSTLY
VOICE
But remember how I started out, as
just a lowly bodybuilder who
couldn't speak intelligible English.
You must have faith in Our Great
Director's ability to make people
love this tripe.
GLORIA STUART
Very well, I will tell them the
overblown story of James Cameron's
fantasy life.
SUZY AMIS
Before you begin, can I just
establish my character by saying....
JAMES CAMERON
No time! No time! Get on with the
story about me! I mean.... the
story about "Jack Dawson". Ahem.
CUE: Wimpy James Horner music
As GLORIA STUART begins her story the TITANIC morphs
niftily into its glory days of old; GLORIA STUART becomes
KATE WINSLET, JAMES CAMERON becomes LEONARDO DICAPRIO, and
BILL PAXTON becomes FREDDIE PRINZE JR.
EXT. DOCKS
The TITANIC is readying for launch. CGI PEOPLE bustle
about and look FAKE.
CUE: Stirring yet wimpy James Horner music with painfully
fake choir voices
KATE WINSLET
Oh my, the Titanic is certainly
impressive, isn't it, what.
BYSTANDER CUT FROM FINAL PRINT
Holy fuck, that's one goddamned
bigass ship.
BILLY ZANE
What appeals to me is it's so UPPER
CLASS. I only appreciate things that
are UPPER CLASS. I would,
therefore, hate it if it were LOWER
CLASS. Isn't it great that we are
UPPER CLASS?
KATE WINSLET
I am disillusioned with life
despite all my privileges, which
will strangely enough endear me to
every middle-class teenaged girl in
the Western World. If only there
were some headstrong young
lower-class ruffian in my life,
preferably with a name like "Jim
Camson" or "Jake Carmon" or "Semaj
Noremac"....
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Hello, I'm... "Jack Dawson". I'm
LOWER CLASS.
KATE WINSLET
I'm terribly attracted to you,
except that I'm.... UPPER CLASS.
SHIP'S CAPTAIN
Excuse me, but every half hour I
have to bash all the LOWER CLASS
passengers in the kneecap with this
granite slab.
He bashes LEONARDO's kneecap. He writhes in pain. All the
UPPER CLASS passengers come by and SPIT on his wound, and
then set him on FIRE.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Oh if only I weren't.....LOWER
CLASS.
EXT. THE FRONT (BOW? STERN? I DUNNO) DECK OF THE TITANIC
KATE WINSLET approaches LEONARDO DICAPRIO and removes the
ARMY ANTS set upon him by the UPPER CLASS passengers.
CUE: Wimpy James Horner music recycled from "Braveheart"
KATE WINSLET
I've come to realize that even
though you are LOWER CLASS, you are
also the embodiment of the director
and as such, I should love you.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Now that we are united, no issues
of class inequality can possibly
hinder us.
F/X: HORRIBLE CRASHING NOISE
SHIP'S CAPTAIN
I'm terribly sorry, but my orders
strictly state that if a LOWER CLASS
passenger falls in love with an
UPPER CLASS passenger, I am to
strike the nearest iceberg and kill
all aboard.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Damn. And our love remains
unconsummated. How tragically
romantic...
JAMES CAMERON
(interrupting)
What the hell am I doing? I should
at least get myself... I mean
"Jack"... laid first. And I
wouldn't mind drawing a naked
portrait of her either. Hell, it's
my movie! Okay, add that in, then
back to the iceberg.
EXT. TITANIC
CUE: Wimpy James Horner music
BILLY ZANE
I'm not worried about dying. After
all, I've got money and a gun; I'll
just bribe and shoot the icy depths
of the ocean. That leaves me plenty
of time to pursue my personal
vendetta.
KATHY BATES
Hey look! I'm Kathy Bates! Wild,
huh?
BILLY ZANE begins chasing LEONARDO DICAPRIO about the ship.
Suddenly a STRING QUARTET bursts in.
STRING QUARTET
Perhaps it's not too late! Start
playing, gents!
They play, and a REALLY EFFECTIVE SCENE breaks out. It is
GENUINELY POIGNANT. JAMES CAMERON craftily puts this ONE
SCENE on a videotape and mails it to all the members of the
ACADEMY.
ACADEMY VOTERS
Wow, what a great scene. Obviously
the whole movie is this good and I
will vote it for Best Picture.
EXT: BACK TO THE MOVIE
JAMES HORNER
(to STRING QUARTET)
Okay, now the scene's over, so fuck
off. I need to ride this film's
coattails to an Oscar of my own.
He mows down the STRING QUARTET with his UZI.
CUE: Panicking wimpy James Horner music.
Finally the TITANIC is unable to bear the stress of the
cheese that has been heaped on it and SINKS.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Damn, this water's cold. Just look
at my CGI breath.
(expires)
Erk...
KATE WINSLET
Jack?... Jack?.... Jack?....
Jack! Jack. Jack? There's a boat,
Jack! A boat! Jack, there's a boat!
A boat there is, Jack! Boat there
Jack is a! Jack!.... Jack?....
Jack?
(pause)
Jack?
CUT TO: THE PRESENT
BILL PAXTON
So I guess Jack was dead.
GLORIA STUART
Well, shuh. Give the man a cigar.
BILL PAXTON
Don't give me such a hard time. I
only get to be in every James
Cameron movie because I threatened
to tell everybody what an
egomaniacal jerk he is.
AUDIENCE
We know.
BILL PAXTON
Ssssh!!
EXT. BILL PAXTON'S SHIP
GLORIA STUART throws a NECKLACE overboard, then DIES.
CELINE DION
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear,
faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar,
whereeeeeeeeeeeeverrrrrr youuuuuuuu
aaaaaare...
AUDIENCE
(wincing)
I think the wrong thing got thrown
overboard.
JAMES CAMERON
What a great movie!! Wasn't that
great??? Aren't I great??? Aren't I
just the best fucking director that
ever fucking LIVED?? ANSWER ME
DAMMIT! PROCLAIM MY GODHOOD!!!!
JAM-CAM HAS SPOKEN!!!!!
RAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
END