Kevin

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: I have so much to say I don't know where to start. : My heart really goes out to you in this time of grief. : Take care of your mom-she needs it more than anyone. : When my father died , I couldn't get it through my head, : even though he was dying of cancer for 10 months. : I imagine you're having trouble processing it, especially : since it was so sudden. : It's a long, slow process but time heals all wounds. : The fact that you have a sense of humor comes in handy. : Not that you would make light of it, but sometimes you : need a little comic relief in these times and shouldn't : feel guilty about it. : As unbearable as the pain might seem, you have it better : than a person who had a poor relationship with their dad. : You're lucky in a sense that you have no regrets. : I had a close relationship with my dad, and when people told : me I was lucky I didn't believe it. But now I realize that : there can be unresolved feelings and guilt making it a worse : experience than the horrible experience you are having right : now. : I was barely 22 when he died and when someone said I was lucky : to at least have him for those years, I didn't believe it : because most 22 year-olds I knew still had their dads. : But now I see what that meant-what he gave to you in those : years, you carry with you forever. I guess why I'm telling : you this, is to console you by saying (what you already know) : he is in your heart and your head. : At least he didn't suffer, and you didn't have to watch him suffer. : You probably don't know what to do with yourself right now even : though I'm sure Jen and Harley are a great support system. : There is nothing that is inappropriate to do ie, going on the boards : taking in a movie etc. People who haven't lost someone close : might judge something odd per se, but when you go thru it you realize : you need to grieve in your own way and there's no set time : where you cry and then get over it. : I mean, people were surprised that I came back to work after 'only' : a week, but what was I supposed to do-sit in a chair and twiddle my : thumbs? : It's kind of the pattern you see on this board. : There's an overwhelming flood of condolences. But then someone : changes the subject to : talk about a movie or root for a team, and then everyone seems : to get on these topics and forget. I'm not saying nobody should : breathe a word about anything but your father for a year. : I'm just saying that once someone changes the subject , many who : are uncomfortable with the topic of death are relieved. : Then , the pattern is to stay off the uncomfortable topic. : And then, after say a month people expect you to get back into the : swing and be your good old self and are surprised when you're not. : I'm REALLY not trying to make you feel worse, I'm just... I guess : what I'm saying is if you ever need to talk, you can always email : me because I won't forget about the fact that you lost your dad. : I won't think it weird if you need to talk a month or a year later. : I think I have been at the end of the grief process for a few : years now, but at the beginning, that seems impossible. Yes, : there is an end to it. : Now this post will fade in with the rest : of the few hundred condolences. But when you look back on it, : perhaps when you think no one understands what you're going through, : I HOPE it helps in any small measure. : I wish I could have emailed this instead of posting it for the world to : see, as I got pretty personal. But I figure, most people on the board : will see such a long post and skip it! : Shari

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