Will you read this script opening please?

Subject:

Comments:
: Hey! : I've been kinda messing around with a few ideas and doing a little writing the last while and If you ever write I'm sure you know that because you wrote it and read it over and over you kinda lose perspective on it. : I don't pretend to be a professional at the writing game, but I'd appreciate if you took a few minutes to read this opening for me and give me your thoughts and opinions -- maybe some constructive comments? : I know my prose isn't all perfect and stuff and it's very rough, so you don't need to remind me on that score. : I'd appreciate if you let me know if you like the dialouge, what works, what doesn't work, etc. : Basicly anything you wanna say. : Thanks! : FADE IN: : INT. WELFARE OFFICE - DAY : A line of dead-beats stand in line waiting to collect. : BOB CHEADLE -- an unshaven, sruffy 28 year old walks : through the door smoking a cigarette. : A security gaurd stops him. : : SECURITY : How many times do I gotta tell you : it's no smoking in here? : : BOB : Gimme a break, Marty. I just lit up. : : SECURITY : Every week I tell you no smoking, : every week you come in sucking on a : cigarette. : : BOB : Can't you turn a blind eye? I'm only : gonna be two minutes. : : SECURITY : I turn a blind eye for you and I've : got a hundred more scum-bags asking me : to do the same thing. No! Stub it : out. : : BOB : You get a new uniform and all of a : sudden you're Dirty Harry. What's : goin' on? : : SECURITY : I don't make the rules. : Bob takes a last puff and throws the butt on the : ground. : : BOB : There. Happy? : : SECURITY : Over the moon. : : BOB : I'd stay away from the subway if I was : you. You've got the whole George : Michael thing goin' there. : -- CLERKS DESK -- : A middle-aged women hands out the welfare cheques. : : CLERK : I was about to send out a search : party. : : BOB : I've been running all over trying to : get us a dinner reservation, what can : I say? I'm a romantic. : : CLERK : On your big fourty dollars? We'd have : to share a meal. : : BOB : There's just no work for a male model : in this town. : : CLERK : (handing welfare check) : Here. : : BOB : Thank you! : -- DOOR -- : : BOB : So long, Marty. : : SECURITY : See you next week. : : BOB : Remember - stay away from the subway. : : CUT TO: : INT. ADULT SHOP - DAY : Bob scans through the stroke books. : Dirty Bastards Weekly... Cunt Lovers Monthly... Butt : Sluts ... : A couple of high school kids enter. : One finishes a conversation on his cell phone. : : HIGH SCHOOL KID #1 : (on cell) : Yeah, sure... Around 9.30... Alright, : I'll see you then... I will. Bye. : : HIGH SCHOOL KID #2 : Who was that? : : HIGH SCHOOL KID #1 : Bryson. Him and Dan gotta shoot over : to his place and move the kegs before : his parents get home. : : HIGH SCHOOL KID #2 : Are we still gonna catch a movie? : : HIGH SCHOOL KID #1 : Two guys in a dark room with porno? : We'd look like fags. : (handing mag) : Here. : : HIGH SCHOOL KID #2 : I don't want that one. : : HIGH SCHOOL KID #1 : Why not? : : HIGH SCHOOL KID #2 : That girl reminds me of my mom. : High School Kid #1 takes the magazine and exits frame. : High School Kid #2 grabs his bag and quickly follows. : : HIGH SCHOOL KID #2 (OS) : Hey, put that back! : A flyer falls out of the bag. : Bob lowers his porno mag to see what it is. : He picks it up. : It advertises a party. : : CUT TO: : INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT : A dark bedroom. Somebody lies in bed sleeping. : A PHONE RINGS PERSISTENTLY. : BILLY HICK (27) lifts his head from the pillow and : squints at the radio alarm clock -- 10.30. : He answers. : : BILLY : Hello? : : BOB : (filtered) : What the hell took you so long to pick : up? : : BILLY : Bob? I was sleeping. : : BOB : (filtered) : Alone? : : BILLY : Yeah. : : BOB : (filtered) : Are you sick? It's just gone ten- : thirty. : : BILLY : I know but I gotta be up early : tomorrow to start at the newsagents. : : BOB : (filtered) : What the fuck are you talking about : news agents? : : BILLY : I told you. My mom's got realitives : coming over from Ireland next week; : she's too ashamed to tell them I'm on : walfare for a living, so she fixed me : up with this place for a while. : Billy gets out of bed and staggers to the bathroom. : : BOB : (filtered) : A job? : : BILLY : Tell me about it. What's up? : : BOB : (filtered) : I need you to come pick me up. We're : going to a party. : : BILLY : A party? : : BOB : (filtered) : That's right. So go take a shower, : slap on a bit of aftershave and make : yourself look fuckable. : : BILLY : Fuck you and your party. I'm going : back to sleep. : : BOB : How soon can you get here? : : BILLY : Bob, listen to me - I'm not going to : any fucking party, ok? : : CUT TO: : INT. CAR (IN MOTION) - NIGHT : Bob rides shot-gun with Billy. : : BILLY : Roll down your window, man. You're : gonna kill me with that shit. : : BOB : I just spent the last half hour : freezing my ass off. : : BILLY : I'm very sorry you had to wait but I'm : not running a fucking taxi service : here. : : BOB : I'm not saying you have to be Clark : Kent, but come on, thirty minutes. : : BILLY : I had to stop off for gas. : : BOB : So what's all this about employment? : Are you for real or was it another one : of your failed attempts to get me off : the phone? : : BILLY : I told you yesterday. I gotta look : all respectable so my mom can tell her : fucking leprechauns how great I am. : : BOB : I almost pissed myself. : : BILLY : Fuck it. You're probably a blessing : in disguise. I don't think I'm cut : out for selling coffee and newspapers. : : BOB : There's my man! : They high five. : : BILLY : Who's throwing this thing? : : BOB : Just some guy from high school. : : BILLY : Who? : : BOB : You don't know him. Take a left. : (taps tape deck) : How do I get some beats on this thing? : : CUT TO: : EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT : The car chugs along a suburban street filled with big : houses and expensive cars in the drive way. : Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On plays. : : BOB (OS) : What the fuck is this?! : The music stops abruptly. : : BILLY (OS) : Hey, I was listening to that! : : BOB (OS) : Marvin Gaye is barely acceptable : behind closed doors. You gotta play : somethin cool around these kids. : : BILLY (OS) : Kids? : Vanilla Ice, Ice Baby plays. : : CUT TO: : EXT. HOUSE. DRIVEWAY - TIME CUT : Lots of teenage kids and underage drinking. : Billy and Bob push passed the crowds of youth. : A few GOTHS stand talking -- expressions like the end : of the world is near. : : BOB : (to GOTHS) : What's up dudes? Rock on. : : GOTHS : Fuck off! : : PARTY DUDE (OS) : Woohoo! Daddy's gonna whoop somebodys : ass! : : BOB : (to GIRL) : Hey, baby, what do you say I buy you a : drink? : : GIRL : I say it's a party. Drinks are free. : Loser. : : BILLY : Do you realize what kinda names we : could get for ourselves around here? : : BOB : What are you getting your panties in a : twist for? I thought you'd be into : this. : : BILLY : What made you think I'd be into a : fucking high school party? : : BOB : They're best kept secret from horny : guys in their mid-20s. Look at all : the girls here. : : BILLY : And what's with all this "rock on, : right on" bullshit? : : BOB : That's the way you gotta talk to these : kids if we wanna get laid. You gotta : let them know you're still hip and : with it, you know what I'm saying? : : BILLY : Wow, wait a minute. Laid? First you : bring me here and now you're talking : about getting laid? : : BOB : You bet. : : BILLY : I dunno whether to call you an asshole : or give you a hundred Hail-Mary's.

Optional Link URL:
Link Title:
Optional Image URL: