Ladies and gentlemen, the star of "Politically Incorrect" --
Bill Maher!
[ Applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bill: Thank you, folks.
All right, he is serving --
serving?
Oh, that's right, in that sense --
his fifth term as the Republican
Congressman from Florida's seventh district --
Representative
John Mica.
Congressman?
[ Cheers and applause ]
John: Hi, Bill.
Bill: How are you, sir?
Good to see you back here.
Thank you.
John: Thank you.
[ Applause ]
Bill: He is a fabulous singer, actor and all-around performer guy.
His newest CD collection is available at Steve&Edie.com.
Wow, there's a lot of them.
Steve Lawrence, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Steve: Hello, Bill.
Thank you.
Bill: Mr. Steve.
You know the Congressman?
Steve: Yes, good to see you.
Bill: All right, you gentlemen may kiss.
She is the beautiful queen of the jungle on the syndicated series "Sheena."
She certainly is.
Geena Lee Nolin, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hello, Queen.
Geena: Hello, Bill.
Oh.
[ Applause ]
Thank you.
Bill: How are you, your highness?
And he is the writer/director of "Clerks," "Dogma" and "Chasing Amy."
His newest adventure, "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back," hits
theaters this Friday --
Kevin Smith.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mr. Smith --
Kevin: How are you?
Bill: --
Comes to Hollywood.
Okay.
[ Applause ]
All right, now, your movie start --
opens Friday, you said.
Kevin: Yes.
Bill: Okay.
I happened to get an advance copy there from Miramax.
Kevin: So you didn't pay.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: I didn't pay.
But I would have happily paid half price.
No.
[ Laughter ]
Kevin: I'll put that on a poster.
Bill: In spite of myself, I laughed at this.
I mean, this is a movie by stoners, for stoners.
Kevin: Right.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: I'm not gonna say anything else.
But I do have a question.
Now, it's in the long line of --
I say, "long line" --
but in the
last 10 years, 15 years, whatever, we've had a lot of pairs of
idiot movies.
Kevin: Yes.
[ Light laughter ]
Bill: And you guys make a good pair of idiots.
[ Laughter ]
Kevin: Yeah.
Bill: Who plays Jay?
Kevin: Jason Mewes.
Bill: He's good.
He is a good moron.
Kevin: The professional idiot.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: But we've had Beavis and Butthead.
Geena: Yes, "Dumb and Dumber."
Bill: Cheech and Chong, Bill and Ted, Wayne and Garth, the
guys in "Dumb and Dumber."
Now, Steve --
Steve: Yeah, but in a lot of those cases, they're just
reflecting what the reality is.
I mean, you know, you got a couple of dumb guys making a dumb picture.
Geena: And it's funny.
[ Laughter ]
People wanna see --
I mean, stupidity, it's funny.
It's entertainment.
Steve: It's a reality --
it's a reality movie.
Bill: Wait.
Could you smart people wait till I ask the question?
[ Laughter ]
My question is, especially for you guys, and I am this era, too
--
I remember when comedy teams, there was always one smart guy
and one dumb guy.
Steve: Mm-hmm.
Geena: Mm-hmm.
Bill: Abbott and Costello, Laurel and Hardy, Hope and Crosby,
Martin and Lewis, the Smothers Brothers --
all these teams, there
was a smart guy.
Geena: Yeah.
Bill: What happened?
Why do we now need two morons?
[ Light laughter ]
What does that say?
Kevin: I think, um --
I think America likes the two stupid
people together, which is why we had the election we had last year.
[ Laughter ]
John: Oh, oh.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bill: Ooh.
John: Bill, now, he's starting to get personal.
Bill: Quite a gauntlet.
[ Light laughter ]
Kevin: No offense.
Steve: "No offense."
John: Really --
unfortunately, it really reflects a lot of what we're seeing in
society, is the dumbing down of our society, whether it's in
politics or in comedy.
Kevin: Same difference.
Bill: You don't think it's because, nowadays, the audience
sort of needs to be the smart guy?
They need to look down on somebody.
Kevin: Yeah.
Bill: And if there was a smart guy in the movie, then maybe
they couldn't do --
no, you don't think so?
Geena: I don't know.
I think, if there's a happy medium --
I think, some movies, it works.
And in others --
I think "Dumb and Dumber" is a classic.
I mean, I chuckled through the whole entire movie.
How many of you laughed through "Dumb and Dumber"?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Incredible.
Bill: If you think they're dumb, wait'll you see these guys.
Geena: I haven't seen his movie yet.
I'm excited.
Bill: They're dumb, dumber and dumbest.
[ Steve chuckles ]
Geena: Okay.
Bill: But, uh --
but, you know, it's funny, 'cause your movie
is like --
half of it is really for, I think, stoners, and then
the other half is like --
I was laughing my ass off because it's
very inside.
Kevin: Yeah, I think we --
Bill: It's like cartoons that are half for the kids and half
for the adults.
Kevin: We like to call it "Dumb comedy for smart people."
Bill: Yeah.
Steve: But doesn't that always reflect the times that --
you
know, music and art has always reflected what's going on in society.
And we're living through some very unusual, peculiar times right now.
Bill: Okay.
Now, the other movie I saw recently --
"Apocalypse Now" got
rereleased.
Anybody see the rerelease?
Geena: No.
Bill: When I first saw it, I thought it was like the war, too long.
Kevin: Right.
[ Light laughter ]
Bill: They made it longer.
Kevin: Right.
Bill: But it's still a great movie.
And I couldn't help think recently, when I was reading about the
--
you know about this, 'cause in Florida is where they run this
operation, our defoliation thing that is going on in Colombia.
We are going to defoliate those Colombian coca plants to stop
cocaine from coming into America!
John: Yay!
Steve: That's not gonna stop it.
[ Laughter ]
Kevin: Stand alone, man.
Steve: It'll move it out to --
Bill: But really, isn't this Vietnam all over again?
Isn't this the same idea?
If we just level what's on the ground, the problem will go away.
John: Absolutely not.
Absolutely not.
And I --
as you know, I chaired the Criminal Justice Drug Policy --
Bill: I do?
John: --
Subcommittee, helped put plan Colombia together.
The Clinton administration, for about six or seven years, stopped
any aid getting to Colombia.
And the result is --
in 1993, there was no heroin or there were
no poppies produced there.
Now, it's --
Bill: Not there.
John: Not there.
Bill: But they were always here.
John: No.
Bill: It's like a whack-a-mole game.
You hit it there, it comes up here.
John: Yes, that's true.
[ Light laughter ]
You're absolutely correct.
And when you don't hit it everywhere, you get it in, into this country.
And that's why it's coming in from --
from Colombia and also from
other areas where Clinton slowed --
Bill: But it's still attacking it on the supply side.
John: It does, but you've gotta do all.
You've gotta do education.
You've got a 4-year-old.
You've gotta do treatment.
You've gotta do enforcement.
Bill: You have a 4-year-old.
On Coke?
Geena: No.
[ Light laughter ]
God, I hope not.
John: But it could be today.
[ All talking at once ]
Bill: Has there ever been one instance, in any country
anywhere in the world, where someone who wanted a drug couldn't get it?
John: Oh, yes.
Bill: I've never known one person ever who wanted drugs --
John: Try doing drugs in Saudi Arabia or Singapore.
You'll lose your head in one, and the other one, you'll be hung.
Geena: Wow.
Kevin: And not have a very good high 'cause it's Saudi Arabia.
[ Laughter ]
John: And it'll ruin your day.
Kevin: Exactly.
My feeling is that --
I just don't understand scorching the Earth
to stop a few people from trying to get high.
Yes, it's --
there's a negative.
There's a down side to it.
But you're not gonna stop it.
Even if you got rid of all the poppies and you got rid of all the
coca fields, people are just gonna go --
turn to Mr. Clean and
make some crystal meth.
What are ya gonna do, defoliate Mr. Clean?
No way.
Bill: Yeah.
[ Light laughter ]
John: Well, I think --
Kevin raises a good point, and it is a serious problem.
And out here in California, we held a hearing in Sacramento about
a year ago.
We had a small county near Sacramento --
300 families,
parents, abandoned their kids.
In one case, they actually boiled their child alive from meth,
not imported from Colombia or brought in --
Geena: Are you kidding me?
John: It's unbelievable what this stuff does.
Kevin: Right.
John: So it takes a combination.
It takes education.
It takes treatment.
It takes parents becoming involved.
You know the problem.
You've got little ones, don't you?
Geena: I think, you know, it stems --
comes from the home.
I mean, I think, if you educate your kids the best way you can
and you have that support and that open communication --
because
drugs are here and they're here to stay, unfortunately.
Bill: Well, that's right.
Geena: Yeah.
Bill: The mind is a terrible place to be sober all the time.
[ Laughter ]
That's what humanity has been telling us for centuries.
And, of course, when you bring up a boiled child, you slightly
load the issue.
Geena: Stop, stop.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: "Hey, what do you want?
My opponent is for boiling children" --
[ Laughter ]
--
"And I'm for this."
You know, I mean, it just seems like --
[ Applause ]
John: Pick your side.
Pick your side.
Bill: It just seems like no one could argue with that.
Kevin: It's an old chestnut, but why don't they just --
legalization is still out there.
There's still the opportunity, because they've legalized booze,
they've legalized cigarettes.
You never hear about children being boiled of some guy rolling
his own cigarette --
[ Steve laughs ]
--
You know, because nobody does it independently.
If you can buy it somewhere, you won't be making it downstairs
and that kid being boiled by accident.
Bill: I gotta take a break, or they're gonna boil me.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Connie Chung has done it.
She has what everybody wants, the Gary Condit interview.
The first one will be right here on ABC Thursday night.
They're already calling it the Wang Chung interview.
[ Laughter ]
Condit said that, after the last few months with his wife, it'll
just be nice to have a woman speaking to him again.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Well, President Bush addressed the VFW convention today,
took a break from his vacation.
He told the veterans that he was gonna make the nation's security
his number one priority.
And to show he meant business, he bragged about how his missile
defense brought down that idiot balloonist.
[ Applause ]
Okay, now --
speaking of the drug war, you know that we have about half a
million nonviolent drug offenders in prison.
I couldn't help but think about this recently when China got the
Olympics --
is it 2012 or 2008?
Whatever it is, China got the Olympics.
A lot of people over here said that is ridiculous, they violate
human rights, and I thought, you know, who are we to point
fingers at China, with the kind of --
we have, I think, 2 million
people in our jails, more than any other country in the world, by
percentage.
We have --
[ Scattered applause ]
As you can see, the --
John: Just a few conservatives.
Bill: My followers.
Steve: The only problem with having the National Olympic --
the
International Olympic Games in China is that probably two hours
later, you'll have to have another Olympic game, if it were held in China.
[ Light laughter ]
Bill: Because --
Steve: But, seriously, the problem that --
the problem that I have with that --
I don't know where you come
down, Congressman, I don't think --
it has always been in
international sports and getting the youngest, greatest athletes
from all over the world.
I don't think it should be politicized.
Geena: No.
John: It's not a political situation.
Geena: The Olympics are about athletes coming together,
representing their countries.
John: Well --
Bill: But it is political.
Geena: You know?
John: Yeah, but it shouldn't be.
Geena: It shouldn't be.
Kevin: I have a question --
is it the summer or the winter Olympics?
Bill: But it is.
It's the summer Olympics.
Kevin: Summer Olympics, who cares?
Bill: And --
[ Laughter ]
Kevin: You know?
Do you really care?
Do you sit around and watch the Olympics?
Bill: No, I don't care about the Olympics at all.
Kevin: I think it's a false sense of pride, American pride,
where it's like, let's go out there and compete.
Bill: No.
I don't watch any gay television.
[ Light laughter ]
Not because I don't love gay people, I just don't watch those shows.
And the Olympics is the gayest show in the world.
But --
[ Light laughter ]
Kevin: I'm not touching that one, my friend.
Bill: Yeah, I know you had to write a check, but --
Kevin: Next.
Bill: But the question I'm asking is, do we have any right to
point fingers --
I know China has egregious human rights
violations.
This is a country with a legacy of slavery and genocide.
It kind of reminds me of people who stop smoking and then point
their fingers at smokers, it's one thing they can't tolerate is smoke.
Kevin: But then they secretly smoke on the side as well.
Bill: Well --
Kevin: In order to make that metaphor work --
John: The problem is, they don't have --
they have missiles, and they have --
Kevin: We have missiles, too.
John: One-third of the world's population.
Bill: Yeah, so?
John: So, you know, it's a tough one.
You want to keep them in the game, you want to keep engaged with
them, you know --
it's very difficult.
Bill: But my question is, are we any better than China?
Is this nation, with our justice system --
John: Yes.
Bill: Really?
John: Yes.
Bill: Okay.
John: We have faults.
I mean, people get away with perjury in the highest offices.
[ Laughter ]
Kevin: But --
John: People get away with murder --
O.J. lives out here somewhere, free and --
it isn't perfect, but I'll tell you, it's nothing like China.
Bill: No, but see, that bothers me, that that is the lie that
some people can't get over.
Of all the lies and all the injustices --
"I did not have sex with that" --
that's the one that blows people's minds.
John: Well, it does come to mind often, I have to admit that.
Bill: Okay, Bush, the other day, said that his stem cell
decision had no politics in it.
That's not a lie?
[ Light laughter ]
He said it was absolutely devoid of politics.
[ Applause ]
Kevin: I still don't understand how our country stands in
moral superiority of anybody.
Don't we still racial profile on freeways in this country?
Didn't, in New York, like a year and a half ago, some guy got a
broom handle up his ass?
Bill: 80% of the people on --
Geena: Oh, God.
Bill: Yes.
Kevin: Yeah, I mean, that's why we should never get the
Olympics again.
Bill: 80% of the people on death row are black or Hispanic.
45% of drug prisoners are black.
That would seem to somewhat mitigate our ability to point fingers
at another country and say hey, you know what?
Geena: You're not worthy of having --
Bill: Right.
John: 48% of the people in Florida who are in our prisons are black.
That's just isn't representative of our population.
But that means those 48% committed crimes that sent them to prison.
It may not be fair, it may not be totally just or equitable, but
this --
if you want to have justice, we'll try you in China and
see how you like that.
Kevin: No, you'll never catch me there, sir.
[ Laughter ]
Not even at the Olympic games.
John: It's not perfect.
It's not perfect, but I think we've come a long way.
And there's a lot of injustices in our justice system, I'll be
the first to --
Kevin: I say, give 'em the Olympics and give 'em the stupid
Miss America pageant while they're at it as well.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bill: I gotta take another break.
We'll be back.
Announcer: Join us this week on "Politically Incorrect" when
Bill's guests will include music legend Luther Vandross, "Just
Shoot Me's" David Spade, NBA all-star Ray Allen and actor Dave Foley.
Bill: Al Sharpton --
[ Laughter ]
--
Is forming an exploratory committee for a possible
presidential run in 2004.
He already has his campaign slogan, it's, "Al Sharpton.
No, seriously --
Al Sharpton."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Okay, now, I was mentioning about the Olympics being gay.
I'm kidding, it's not all gay, just like, maybe 80%.
Okay.
Your movie, you got in trouble --
I couldn't believe this, 'cause
I read this in the newspaper that you were in trouble for this
movie, so I watched it, looking for the gay problem in the movie.
Kevin: Right.
Bill: It's one little scene.
I --
of all the things in your movie that could be offensive --
Kevin: Right.
John: That's one instance they found of --
Bill: The idea that they would pick this --
well, tell 'em.
Geena: What is it?
What was the scene?
Bill: The character --
Kevin: Glaad, the organization Glaad, kind of took exception
to the movie.
And in speaking with them, they were talking about asking for a
donation to kind of make up for it, I guess.
Bill: Which you gave.
Kevin: Which I gave.
I gave --
they asked for the donation from Dimension Films, the
distributor, and they asked --
I said, "Look, go after 'em, they
got deep pockets."
They said, "How about you?"
And I said, "I don't have very deep pockets."
Bill: But you ended up giving them --
Kevin: 10 grand.
10 grand to the Matthew Shepard Foundation, which, very great cause.
You know, nothing wrong with that.
Bill: Yeah, but still a shakedown.
Geena: What was the scene?
Kevin: I mean, they said it was overall.
They felt that the film had content --
Bill: It's the use of the word gay by these two morons to
indicate something that's sort of cool.
Geena: Oh, like "That's gay" or "This is gay"?
Bill: Right.
Like, Steve's tie is gay, obviously.
[ Laughter ]
Kevin: There you go.
Geena: It's not gay!
[ Applause ]
Steve: You're saying my tie is gay meaning what?
You like it or you don't like it?
I'm still not clear on what --
Bill: I was kidding.
It's a beautiful tie.
[ Laughter ]
Geena: It means what?
Steve: So is it not gay, or is it gay?
Bill: No.
Your tie is not gay.
Your hair is gay.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
No, it just means kind of --
I don't know what it --
it's hard to define.
Uncool?
Kevin: These two particular morons, I'm not convinced
actually use the term themselves.
Other characters do.
Bill: Right, the other two.
Kevin: Like, Jason Biggs in the movie --
and he plays himself,
and he uses it, and then he gets smacked down by James Van Der
Beek, who plays himself, for being homophobic.
Bill: But they're playing the characters.
Kevin: They're playing characters, yeah.
I don't know.
I myself didn't feel that the movie was gay-bashing at all.
I felt it was overtly gay-friendly.
Most of the stuff we do kind of is, for a guy that's a filmmaker.
Bill: Yes, "The Advocate" said about you, "For a guy who's
straight, he" --
what is it?
"For a straight dude, Kevin Smith can get awfully queer."
Kevin: Yeah.
[ Light laughter ]
I'm hit on, you know, in straight bars, in gay bars, I'm doing well.
Steve: Maybe leave the chick.
Kevin: I'm set up.
Bill: It could be the shorts.
Kevin: It could be, they show off a lot.
My one thing, the point of pride in the situation, 'cause it was
kind of a negative situation, was in the last movie we did,
"Dogma," we had the Catholic league coming after us.
Geena: Oh, right.
Kevin: And on this movie, it's Glaad.
So I brought the severe right and the severe left together.
[ Laughter ]
When's the last time those two organizations --
Geena: I think it's working for you, Kevin.
Kevin: Yeah, yeah.
[ Applause ]
Geena: I think you're on the right path.
Kevin: Unifying Glaad and the Catholic league on any front?
Bill: Yeah.
Kevin: I deserve a medal, a Nobel Prize.
Bill: I just think extremists hurt their cause.
I don't think Glaad really represents most gay people.
Kevin: Not most of the gay journalists that I've spoken to, in
regards to the flick.
I've done interview after interview.
Geena: Not every movie is gonna suit every person.
Bill: Yeah, why does it have to?
Geena: You know, if you're that sensitive to it, then walk out.
You know, or don't go see it, or see something else.
Kevin: Well, don't walk out of this picture, though, please.
Geena: I won't personally, Kevin.
[ Laughter ]
But pay and walk out.
Bill: That would be very gay.
Geena: That would be very gay.
Bill: Yeah, go ahead.
Geena: But, I don't know.
I just think people need to lighten up in general.
It's entertainment.
And I mean, I remember --
Kevin: It's tough to make a comedy anymore, really.
Geena: --
Where I'm from, Minnesota, when "Fargo" came out,
most of the people were absolutely appalled.
[ With Minnesotan accent ]
"Oh, yeah.
So, Margie, want me to fry up some of those eggs?"
[ Light laughter ]
You know, I mean, it didn't go over very well.
You know, but then they've made movies about the New Yorkers,
about the Texans, about all these people, and they take it with a
grain of salt, so I don't know.
Kevin: I think the Coen brothers owe you 10 grand, to be quite
honest, for going after Minnesota like that, 'cause I got --
Glaad got 10 grand outta me.
Geena: Thank you, Kevin.
Bill: "Will & Grace" uses very graphic gay jokes.
Do you watch "Will & Grace"?
Geena: Sure.
Bill: Okay.
Very graphic, lot of flamboyant stuff, and that's hailed as some
sort of breakthrough for the gay community.
How come it's okay when they do it, but when you have this little scene --
Kevin: Look, I'm all for the gay community --
Bill: It's a shakedown.
Kevin: It is kind of a shakedown.
I'm all for the gay community, but --
Bill: And you gave it.
Kevin: Yeah, I did give it, I guess.
Bill: You're not gay, but you don't have balls!
[ Laughter ]
Kevin: None whatsoever.
None whatsoever.
But I don't understand why --
John: Next thing you'll be doing is accusing him of being a
member of Congress.
Bill: No.
John: Then it'll really get derogatory.
Kevin: I don't understand why the gay community gets to co-op
that term anyway.
Don't you think they should come up with a new word altogether?
Like "Umbleebleborg" or something like that?
Bill: I'm --
Kevin: Gay existed long before gay people did.
Bill: I really think it should be thrilled.
If you're that gay, you should be thrilled.
Okay, we'll take a break, we'll be right back.
[ Applause ]
[ Applause ]
Bill: "Condit Country's" coming up.
I'm gonna go.
Okay.
Steve's records --
almost all of them have the CD in them.
Tomorrow, Mo'nique, Ray Allen, Kevin Cronin and Lori Cole.
[ Applause ]
