Posted by Love Gregory at spider-wf083.proxy.aol.com on August 27, 2001 at 13:53:10:
In Reply to: Close, but no cigar posted by Kevin on August 27, 2001 at 13:32:55:
100 Good Reasons Why Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
is the true #1 Movie in the Country:
BY AWARD-WINNING ENTERTAINMENT WRITER (AND ACROBAT)
GREGORY WEINKAUF
100. Shannon Elizabeth’s poor diction and rich friction.
99. Clash of the Titans name-checked twice by Randal.
98. Extremely sweet and talented orangutan. (No, not Freddie Prinze, Jr.)
97. Fills void while sitting around waiting for Strange Brew sequel.
96. Terrible violence heaped upon “Generation Next.”
95. Passable performance from Affleck. (Quit while you’re ahead.)
94. Sliding bass notes.
93. Writer/Director adopts moniker “Lunchbox.”
92. Matt Damon looks tired and irritable.
91. Road trip format eclipses many previous entries in genre.
90. Gus Van Sant counts money, ignores own movie.
89. “He loves the cock!”
88. “I am the Clit Commander!”
87. “Doobie snacks!”
86. “Do you like trouser snakes?”
85. “I hate how fake Hollywood is.”
84. “...shit out our shit...”
83. “Dude, I think I just filled the cup.”
82. “There’s no snacks here!”
81. “Don’t change the subject -- are we gonna fuck or not?”
80. “Snootchie...bootchies?”
79. Dumbass “critics” frightened by movie’s uncompromising tone.
78. Held up thrice on opening weekend. (Now quite sated, thank you.)
77. Made all the trailers look trite and boring.
76. Wes Craven lisps!
75. Biggs and Van Der Beek suffer significant abuse.
74. Funnier than The Player, crunchier than The Big Picture.
73. Velma depicted as lesbian with perky breasts.
72. Smashing sound mix.
71. Miramax “Studios.”
70. Shannon Elizabeth’s spit-take.
69. El Rey depicted as cinema theatre.
68. Jerome depicted.
67. Ali “Farter”
66. “We’re walking, talking bad-girl clichés! (cat sound)”
65. “Cornhole” used as verb by law enforcement agent.
64. Oh, wait, that’s Judd Nelson! (...wouldn’t he be outstanding in this
capacity?)
63. Moped.
62. Director Smith’s love-hate relationship with the entertainment industry
provides plenty of knowing irony without sacrificing the standard tenets of
the paradigm (who owns whom, etc.) or reducing his struggle to caricature
or forcing him to chain-smoke on camera.
61. Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher available.
60. Harrison Ford unavailable.
59. Ralph (and Japh) Fiennes nowhere in sight.
58. Prolonged references to Dawson’s Creek provide generous restroom
interval.
57. No one pretends to be British.
56. No one pretends to be acting (except actors who can’t act).
55. Unionized dope dealers.
54. Expanded humorous scenario re: unionized dope dealers.
53. Not expanded humorous scenario re: George Carlin gag.
52. Joe Walsh employed to summarize the 70s.
51. No ignorant waffling about Tantra.
50. Works even if one has no idea what anyone is talking about.
49. Director thanks everyone he likes at the end.
48. Isn’t Rat Race.
47. Ambivalence over spelling of “PoopShoot.”
46. Catching self reflecting upon said ambivalence; chuckling quietly.
45. No lazy production and no lousy editing, thus no need to slather every
scene with braying of current crap “alternative” band in order to make
shenanigans of sexually frustrated losers seem fun.
44. In case you didn’t get that: “Doesn’t suck like American Pie franchise
sucks.”
43. Director’s reach does not exceed his grasp (nor vice-verse); instead,
wisely opts to land both in pants.
42. Pretty sure Will Ferrell says “Fuckbeans.”
41. Stupid guns used stupidly by stupid people.
“40” is a very nice song by U2.
39. Film school mercilessly mocked.
38. Isn’t Eliza Dushku also a Sith Lord?
37. Fine actors who do not mind traipsing around with names swiped from a
mostly-forgotten Krofft children’s series.
36. “Niggaz With Puppets”
35. Mac used exclusively.
34. Mosier wrangles extras like pro.
33. “The internet has given everyone in America a voice, and apparently
everyone in America has chosen to use that voice to bitch about movies.”
32. At the New Bev, would make great double feature with Head.
31. Chris Rock says “booger flavor” with peculiar zeal.
30. Some critics have mistakenly attributed She’s All That joke to Holden,
proving they don’t pay much attention to their work.
29. No references to nor appearances by KISS.
28. Salsa is used in a quick, surreptitious, nearly offscreen manner, and
-- much like Memento -- I can’t wait to get the DVD to find out what it
really means!
27. The idea of Randal being played by Judi Dench sort of works. (And
congratulations, fellah.)
26. “Tracer!”
25. Segues between scenes rarely -- if ever -- explained.
24. Burton, Spielberg, Affleck and Bond series lampooned in one single
shot.
23. No god-damned trombone solo.
22. Mooby slain.
21. Producers have not changed their names to those of birds of prey.
20. Not as good as Tank Girl, but tries to be!
19. Alanis Maionette once again generously stands in for Emma Thompson.
18. Unlike Ghost World, does not sully its humor with vain attempts at
poignance.
17. No Larry King nor Jerry Springer cameo.
16. “Pumpkin Escobar”
15. Not one single “mullet” reference. Not a one.
14. James L. Venable’s score is well worthy of our attention.
13. Openly admitting that you hate this movie makes identification of
idiocy even easier than looking kind of dumb with your finger and your
thumb in the shape of an ‘L’ on your forehead.
12. Pile of diamonds sitting in plain sight upon velvet cloth.
11. Cynical criticisms of Smith’s franchise are almost as funny as movie
itself.
10. Joey shows us how cigarettes work.
9. Jason shows us how cunnilingus doesn’t.
8. Lucas hasn’t sued yet (has he?)...
7. There are more than 100 good things (and 3 ugly ones) to say about this
movie.
6. George W. Bush’s “Presidency” is more than 1/8th over already!!!
5. Mewes is a homophobe...er...homophone for “Muse.”
4. Apart from Kevin Spacey expecting us to accept him as a cuddly and
inspirational alien, Jay’s the funniest thing on the screen this year.
3. Silent Bob breaks silence to explain in no uncertain terms how to
protect intellectual property from rotten bastards.
2. The Time!
1. Proves that dreaming big can be an equal-opportunity e