Jokes for you .......INSANITY TEST !! Damn fun....

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: I have not read them all but check these : ALSO CHECK THE LINK OUT !!!! DAMN FUNNY !! : M : > : > : >Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped : >over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's : >wrong. : > : >"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at : >work that I wanted to ask out, but got an erection : >every time I saw her?" : > : >"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. : > : >"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally : >plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she : >agreed." : > : >"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" : > : >"I went to meet her this evening," continues paul, : >"but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got : >some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I : >did, it wouldn't show." : > : >"Sensible" says Jeff. : > : >"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her : >doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest : >dress you ever saw." : > : >"And what happened then?" : > : >(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) : >"I kicked her in the face." : > : QUOTES : > IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN... : > IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING..!!" : > United States Marines... : : ******************************************************************************* : A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for : >people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. : > : >Here are the finalists: : >1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building : >using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and : >employees will receive their cards in two weeks". : >(The winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.) : > : >2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter". : >(Lykes Lines Shipping) : > : >3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be : >used only for company business". : >(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) : > : >4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more : >important interfere with it". : >(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) : > : >5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule". : > : >6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been : >working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let : >you know when it's time to tell them". : >(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) : > : >7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only : >needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she : >couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected". : >(CIO of Dell Computers) : > : >8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say". : >(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) : > : >9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I : >told my Boss, he said that she had died on purpose, so that I would have to : >miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could : >change her burial to Friday as it would be more convenient for him. : >(Shipping executive, FTD Florists) : > : >10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going : >to discuss it with the employees". : >(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) : > : >11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to : >inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned : >above". : >(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) : > : >12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a : >project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. : >He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to : >ask for it!" : >(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.) : > : >13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing : >our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in : >one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of : >the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive : >committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the : >executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I : >asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for memos being circulated : >by perverts (paedophiles?) and with her demand that I be fired was the : >offending memo with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager : >was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary : >and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to : >worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire : >staff came out directing us that no words which : >could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company : >memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I : >created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday : >paper. : >(Taco Bell Corporation) : : ******************************************************************************************** : > 1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. : > : > 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. : > : > 3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. : > : > 4. On the other hand, you have different fingers. : > : > 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. : > : > 6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? : > : > 7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. : > : > 8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. : > : > 9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. : > : > 10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. : > : > 11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. : > : > 12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. : > : > 13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. : > : > 14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will : > be misquoted, then used against you. : > : > 15. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. : > : > 16. Honk if you love peace and quiet. : > : > 17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading. : > : > 18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains : > so popular? : > : **********************************************************************************************

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