Posted by babka at 170.215.214.72 on July 07, 2002 at 19:00:44:
dunno who wrote this...
Subject: Sponsorship opportunities available
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS,
ONE NATION, (SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE),
INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL
San Francisco (SatireWire.com) A U.S. federal appeals court ruled
Wednesday that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools is
unconstitutional because it contains the phrase "under God," a decision
blasted by Democrats, Republicans, and brand managers who say the United
States is making a grave mistake in dropping its principal sponsor.
"Over the years, the U.S. under God has been a great draw for the major
players, such as Einstein, Solzhenitsyn and John Lennon," said government
marketing analyst Gil Treacle. "Without God's brand recognition and
infinite marketing powers, you risk losing the marquee names to
competitors. Then the networks don't renew, the money dries up, the fans
revolt, and the next thing you
know, you're Argentina."
The U.S. Justice Department, assigned the difficult task of finding a
replacement, said it has already been in contact with several entities
("One
nation, but 24,000 Starbucks") interested in having their brands associated
with America. Until an agreement is reached, however, the U.S. will
advertise the position by replacing the phrase "One nation, under God,"
with
"One nation, (sponsorship opportunities available)."
While the words "under God" were only added to the Pledge by Congress in
1954, God has been the title patron of the United States since its founding
in 1776, and the God name adorns everything from U.S. currency to the
phrase
"So help me God" used to swear in the President. The three-judge panel who
voted to sever that 226-year relationship has come under heavy fire, but
many have defended the decision, saying it is wrong to force religion on
anyone.
"The phrase 'under God' clearly violates the First Amendment's separation
of
church and state," said McDonald's CEO Jack Greenberg. "However, there is
nothing in the Constitution that separates chicken and state, which is why
we're proposing, 'One nation, six chicken McNuggets and a medium Coke, all
for $1.99.'"
A handful of Americans, however, has insisted the United States can get
along just fine without a primary sponsor. Their suggestion that the Pledge
phrase be regularly updated to reflect the national condition, however, has
so far attracted little interest, as a CNN/Gallup poll found only 10
percent
of respondents would feel comfortable reciting "One nation, under
indictment."
Europeans, meanwhile, seemed to be confused by the entire episode. "I don't
understand. I always thought it was 'One nation, we are God,'" said British
Prime Minister Tony Blair. "Oh my, I've been worshipping them for nothing."
God, in various forms, currently supports most nations, with the exception
of officially atheist China and Vietnam, and the Netherlands, which hasn't
been told yet but is in for a nasty shock tomorrow.
**