Yeah, but I'll put the fun into neutral.

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: : 1. If your favorite Guns and Roses song were to be covered by another artist of your choosing, which song would it be and what artist? : Artist: David Bowie with his "heroes" era band (Eno, Fripp, etc) : Song: "Estranged". : : 2. What is the geekiest thing you own? : My extensive collection of paraphenalia from my town's minor league baseball team that briefly existed for my early childhood. We should've known from the fact that they considered their greatest selling point that they were "the smallest town in professional baseball" that they'd be moving soon. : What's geekiest is the realization that... these people that I was looking up to so much when I was a little kid, these players were illiterate southern crackers, just out of barely passing college, seventeen or eighteen, sent to short-season single A because they were the lesser prospects. They were probably never going to get past double-A, let alone the majors, carousing the town, nailing all the pretty girls and running... the kids of guys I wanted to kneecap in college except with more athletic talent... : And yet, I still work at building the collection and look upon all that stuff as the happiest memories of the first ten years of my life. : : 3. Are you secretly in love with Brian Lynch? : Nah, I find it hard to be in love with people near my height. Bri's like... what, 6'3? When you get by on people thinking you're not beatupable because of your size, despite your being completely out of shape... you tend to avoid physical domination at all costs. : And I couldn't be in love with anyone who isn't in love with my cartooning style. Because I'm in love with it more than I am with myself. : And this isn't even a shot at Lynch, I understand why he doesn't like it... but it's just achingly ugly and crude and simple and it's so much like how the world looks to me these days that I'd marry my drawings and just keep my girlfriend as a mistress if I could. : : 4. How's your love life going, other than being secretly in love with Brian Lynch? : My general life is something like a Tennesse Williams play adapted by the hack who invented Dawson's Creek. Lots of big wordy arguments and ennui and arguing about trying to fix things in one fell swoop that can only be fixed small step by small step. : It leaves me with a love life a lot like a cliched indie film supporting male character... living with the folks a year and a half later, jumping around bad jobs... and generally focusing a lot of effort on keeping my girlfriend by my side, despite my gaping personal flaws. : And I love her. : : 5. You're running for president in 2004. What's your basic platform and who's your running mate? : Socialized medicine, strict gun control, deprivatization of the schools, lessening our dependence on foreign oil. : My veep? Warren Beatty. Because Bulworth was a heartbreaking work of genius. : : 6. Smitty and Lynch totally fuck up the Scary Movie script and are fired in disgrace. They hire you to fix it. What do you do? : Well, without knowing why it's bad and why it's ended up that way? : Write in David Cross as the ghost of David Cross, trying to prove to God that he deserves to go to heaven despite being in Scary Movie 2, by undermining the production of Scary Movie 3... a really shitty comedy starring the Wayans brothers. Wesley Willis plays Marlon. : And George "The Animal" Steele. : : 7. You've been accused of being "too snobbish for porn". Let's clear up these horrible rumors now, the line must be drawn HYAH! What's your favorite piece of pornography (still, video, print, whatever)? : Japanese animated porn. Love it. Because I'm of the opinion that... Jesus, I can HAVE sex... porn's gotta go above and beyond not only reality but the power of my own imagination to get me interested. : : 8. Are you into emo? Don't lie. : I dislike it... but it's so bad that it's not even wasting my time on hating. Though some of my poetry would probably make good emo lyrics. : : 9. If you were a character in a Kevin Smith movie, which character would you be and why? : Lately, I AM Dante. Remember, the only difference between being Brodie and being Dante is your point of view. They're both losers living with their folks... but Dante knows he's a loser and it's killing him... Brodie has enough delusion to take him to the goddamn stars. : I want to be deluded again, KittyKatieKatherine. : : 10. Would you pose for suggestive Auction Askew photos if asked? HINT HINT, powers that be...don't pass up a money maker like THIS HERE. : It'd be something to tell the grandkids. : "Yeah, I never played pro ball... and I spent my life a janitor falling asleep crying on a pile of unproduced screenplays every night... but man, I was in soft-core that sold a Surly Duck cutout. And for that moment, I was SOMEBODY." : : 11. Are you a feminist? Why or why not? : Yes. Because the glass ceiling still exists. When women ACTUALLY have the rights and opportunies men do, it won't be so essential. Today, it still is. : : 12. What's your favorite beer? : Guinness... though when I wanna get drunk, it's Corona or Molson XXX... or when I wanna get drunk cheap, LaBatts Blue. : : 13. If Bob Dylan wrote a country song about you, what would its title be? : "Just to Bore Mike" : : 14. If you had to be stuck on a desert island with 10 people (anyone, not just people you know) for the rest of your life, who would those people be? : From college: (1) my old roommate Dave because he's the person whose sense of humour is most like mine, the enraged childish cynicism of having grown up believing you were special and feeling it crushed by real life... (2) my buddy Tom because his weird love-hate with Beat writing is funny as hell... (3) Benny Henry because he's one of those quiet geniuses and amazing DPs that forces my wacky angry shit... (4) Karissa because she's a great musician, she likes my stories and she's gorgeous so it'd be possible for me to talk my Adri into a three-way. : (5) My Adri. Because though I'd love a harem that I shared WITH her, all the beautiful women in the world couldn't equal her. : (6) My brother Dan. Because if anyone could figure out OFF the goddamn island, it'd be him... he's the smartest human on this Earth, which makes him the funniest man alive and probably also the most manipulative. But that last part, y'know, I deal with cuz he's my little brother. : (7) Amanda out in SF... because she's the most talented writer I've ever met, she makes me laugh... and all the reasons in (4). : (8) My buddy Adam out in Phoenix because he's a hopeless innocent little stoner who needs me, Dan and Adri to watch out for me. Because he's the nicest guy in the world but he's just infinitely self-destructive. And he's my guitarist in Screaming Viking. : (9) Thora Birch because I'd really like to have sex with her. : (10) My dad. Because without me and Dan to protect him, my mom would give him a heart attack in three weeks. : : 15. You've been accused of being a "know-it-all" with "abrasive opinions". What's one subject you know nothing about, but would like to learn? : Shapeshifting. : : 16. What's your most practical skill/talent? : Reaching high shelves. : : 17. What's your least practical skill/talent? : Writing. : : 18. If Courtney Love, Shakira and Pink got into a catfight, who would you root for and why? Yes, you have to pick one. : Uh... Shakira because I have no idea who that is. : : 19. Who's your favorite Beatle? : Lennon for his ideas, Harrison for his actual songs. : : 20. If you were creating a superhero comic with the main character based on yourself, what would your name and powers be? : Nowhere. Teleporting and total invincibility but no actual offensive abilities. : : 21. What's your favorite website that has nothing to do with ViewAskew, or anyone who posts on this board? : freeopendiary.com because I love my friends' diaries (especially Tom and Amanda's) and outside of a small circle of interesting people focused around their diaries, it's some of the most amazingly bad and societially-enlightening crap around. read your tealeaves, psychics, i see the future... and it's these melodramatic 16 year olds totally unprepared for life. : Wonderful set of questions though it needs more Krang. : Mike

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