Posted by Perspicacity at ool-18bfd544.dyn.optonline.net on February 06, 2003 at 22:19:14:
Why does Hollywood suck so much?
I continue to be amazed at the number of low quality films that Hollywood keeps churning out month after month. Here are some examples of upcoming tinseltown garbage, some of which sickened me so much it prompted me to post my thoughts:
First off, the sequel brigade. Hollywood will sequelize ANYTHING, even if they know it'll be shit, such as-
1) Freddy vs. Jason: After the absolute hilarity that was Jason X rightfully tanked, you'd think they'd take the hint, right? Apparently not, since the LONG shelved Freddy vs. Jason is somehow being put into production. And to think I used to like those movies.
2) Ocean's Twelve: No, I'm not kidding. They want to make a sequel to a bad remake of a bad old Rat Pack movie. Well, at least they came up with an original title, no wait...
3) Tomb Raider 2: The first one was so bad my eyes bled. And here comes #2, probably followed by a 3rd. Heaven help us.
4) 2 Fast 2 Furious: The title made me start laughing right away (especially with the 2's), and since this "high octane, funky fresh, totally rad to the max" sequel doesn't even have the Vin Diesel character, it's guaranteed to suck.
Speaking of Vin Diesel,
5) Pitch Black 2-4: Remember that Sci-fi sleeper hit Pitch Black with Vin Diesel from, say 1998-9 or so? It seems that since Mr. Diesel has become a star they want to make THREE sequels to it. Three. In the words of Inspector Gadget, wowzers.
Then, comes the comic book movies. I know everyone knows about the big ones but...
6) Catwoman: They are going to make a Catwoman movie. It's going to be about a mousy secretary who, after discovering her corporate exec boss's dirty secret, is murdered, magically "revived" by cats and turns into a vengeful, acrobatic sexpot. Sound familiar? Didn't they already MAKE that movie? And it's not even like that one was GOOD! JESUS!
7) Superman: The long in development Supes movie is FINALLY being made (without Kevin's script and STILL being produced by giant-spider-loving freakazoid Jon Peters). And you will see, as I did, that it will suck after hearing a single fact about it. In the film, Lex Luthor is going to be an alien from outer space AND a CIA agent. Need I say more?
Other movies:
8) Starsky and Hutch: Ben Stiller and (buddy-action-comedy movie king) Owen Wilson will star. With Snoop Doggy Dog as Huggy Bear. And it might not even be a comedy. Maybe I'm alone on this, but I can't think of a possible situation where I might want to watch a crap-fest like that.
And probably the best one...
*9) Hot Wheels- The Movie: Let me start by insisting that I'm NOT making this up. They're making a fucking HOT WHEELS movie. How is that translatable to film? It's not a TV show or a board game with a plot to build on, its a fucking line of toy cars! Not only that, it's directed by McG (the guy who's SO cool he himself decreed that he would be known only as the "McG"), the director of Charlie's Angels and creator of that "totally rad to the max" Fastlane show on Fox. I'm sorry, but that sounds like that could potentially be the worst film ever made. Even including porno. I just can't wait until Silly Putty: The Movie rolls into theaters! I guess thats about it.
Whoa- you read the whole thing? You fucking rule.
Kane
Brooklyn, NY