Chasing Amy: The Abridged Script

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: ---As much as I feel I shouldn't, I can't help but find this funny. Anyone read it before? : CHASING AMY: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™ : By Peter Rauch : : FADE IN: : Another comicky CREDITS SEQUENCE, this time featuring art : by Mike Allred and roughly 12,000 in-jokes relating to : Clerks and Mallrats. : INT. COMIC CONVENTION : ETHAN SUPLEE, in a startlingly accurate portrayal of most : superhero comic fans, makes a complete idiot of himself. : BEN AFFLECK : (smoking) : What the hell was that? : MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS : Get to the lesbians already! : WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH : (smoking) : Hold on, I'll fucking get to it. : In a smaller room, DWIGHT EWELL delivers a racially charged : monologue that is far more risque than anything else in the : movie, or the trilogy, for that matter, yet offends NO ONE. : BEN disputes him on one point, leading to an extended debate : about racism in Star Wars. This is the second-greatest : moment in film history. : DWIGHT EWELL : (smoking) : Black rage! : He shoots JASON. : JASON LEE : (smoking) : ... : Everyone leaves except BEN, JASON, DWIGHT and the CHICK : WHOSE FACE WAS PLASTERED IN CLOSE-UP ON EVERY GODDAMN PIECE : OF PUBLICITY RELATED TO THIS MOVIE. But we'll call her : JOEY. : MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS : Hey, isn't that the chick who : fucked Bud on Married with Children? : She's hot now. What an interesting : development. : FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS : GOD her voice is annoying. : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : (smoking) : Hi. : BEN immediately falls deeply in love with her. JASON : develops a deep-seated hatred that will outlast his : lifetime. : INT. SOME BAR SOMEWHERE : DWIGHT and JASON, while smoking, have a heated argument : about homoerotic subtexts in Archie comics. This is the : third-greatest moment in film history. : MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS : Dude...lesbians. We paid seven : bucks. Throw us a bone here. : WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH : (smoking) : Oh, fine. : INT. MEOW MIX : BEN and JASON have been invited, sort of, to what the : aforementioned audience members are hoping will be some sort : of lesbian orgy. JOEY gets up and sings something that : would have been on the SOUNDTRACK, but KEVIN SMITH is EVIL : and didn't arrange to release one. At about this time : CARMEN LEE shows up for no obvious reason. : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : (smoking) : I'd like to dedicate that song to : that certain special someone, : someone whose identity can be : expressed in vague enough terms that : an egotistical and naive guy I met : at a comic convention will think I'm : talking about him despite the fact : that I've only known him for a few : days, and as all of you know from : the trailer I'm gay anyway. : BEN AFFLECK : (smoking) : She loves me. : JOEY, while smoking, leaps down from the stage and starts : passionately sucking on CARMEN'S face. : MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS : This is the best movie ever! : The MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS' DATES get up and leave in : disgust. Meanwhile, the director's girlfriend and one of the : actors' wife, both of whom are straight, continue making out : for several minutes. : BEN AFFLECK : (smoking) : So, um... : (uncomfortable pause) : Hi. : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : Mmrrmph. : EASILY AMUSED LESBIANS IN AUDIENCE : Hey! I'm in the movie! : EXT. SWINGSET : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : (smoking) : Ben, I like you, more than I've : liked any guy in a long time. : You're the first guy I've met in a : while that didn't immediately fall : into some stereotype. To reiterate, : our friendship hinges entirely on : your ability to not digress into : stereotypically male behavior. : BEN AFFLECK : (smoking) : Cool. : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : So if you have any questions, I'd : rather not listen to all the awkward : subtle hints. : BEN AFFLECK : Are you a virgin? : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : What the fuck!? Have you been : paying attention at all? : BEN AFFLECK : But according to the stereotypical : guy bullshit, loss of virginity is : defined by penetration. : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : That's a bunch of crap. : BEN AFFLECK : So you've never been with a guy? : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : I didn't say that. : BEN AFFLECK : But you answered the virgin : question with another question. : That obviously was to be interpreted : as a yes. : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : Ben, I've been with guys. : BEN AFFLECK : (not listening) : I mean, otherwise you would have : just answered yes, right? : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : Ben! I HAVE HAD SEXUAL INTERCOURSE : WITH MEN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? : BEN AFFLECK : This is convenient, since my : ability to deal with this situation : will crumble if I find out that : you're not a ‘virgin.,' should I : ever profess my love for you on some : rainy, overly symbolic eve. Thank : god you've never been with a guy! : INT. BEN'S CAR ON SOME RAINY, OVERLY SYMBOLIC EVE : BEN AFFLECK : (smoking) : I love you. : JOEY, smoking, exits the car in a fit of rage. Seconds : later she runs back and leaps into BEN'S arms. : VARIOUS SHOTS OF BEN AND JOEY DOING SHIT PEOPLE PRESUMABLY : DO WHEN THEY'RE IN LOVE, BESIDES FUCKING : INT. BEN'S APARTMENT : JASON LEE : (smoking) : Hey. Heard something interesting : today. : BEN, smoking, looks up from the OBLIGATORY HOCKEY VIDEO : GAME to listen. : JASON LEE (cont'd) : Remember Rick Derris? : BEN AFFLECK : Sure. He's been mentioned thirty : times in every one of these movies. : JASON LEE : Apparently Joey used to fuck him. : And Coey London, another guy from : high school. And Willam the Idiot : Manchild, from the earlier movies. : And her sisters Tricia and Heather. : And her cat, Muffy. And former vice : president Spiro Agnew. And... : BEN, smoking, beats the shit out of JASON. : AUDIENCE : It's about damn time. : INT. JOEY'S APARTMENT : JOEY and various NOT-AT-ALL STEREOTYPICAL LESBIAN : CHARACTERS work on the distribution angle of the comic. : EASILY OFFENDED LESBIANS IN : AUDIENCE : Dammit! : Unlike the White Hatin' Coon monologue, this scene offends : damn near everyone. : INT. HOCKEY ARENA : BEN AFFLECK : (smoking) : By the way, Joey, have you ever, : um.. : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : (smoking) : YES! YES, GODDAMN YOU! I FUCKED : RICK DERRIS! AND COEY! AND THE GUY : FROM THE PUBLISHERS' CLEARING HOUSE! : AND THE ENTIRE LPGA TOUR WHEN THEY : PASSED THROUGH NEW YORK! : BEN AFFLECK : Actually, I was going to ask if you : had ever thought about signing with : one of the bigger indie labels like : Vertigo or Image. But your question : seems much more interesting, I : agree. : They BREAK UP. : INT. THE DINER : JAY and SILENT BOB enter. : KEVIN SMITH FANS IN AUDIENCE : (smoking) : It's about fucking time! : SILENT BOB : (smoking) : Ok, here's what you need to do. : Forget about all this shit, it isn't : relevant to the person you're in : love with. Repeat, none of it : matters, she was a different person : then. Do NOT hatch some idiot plan : involving Jason. : BEN AFFLECK : (smoking) : Yeah. Whatever. : INT. BEN'S APARTMENT : BEN AFFLECK : (smoking) : Ok, we all need to have sex. : JASON LEE : (smoking) : Didn't they try that in Threesome? : BEN AFFLECK : (smoking) : Shut up. : JASON LEE : And doesn't this go against what : the Writer/Director, whose : experiences are clearly NOT the : basis for this storyline, told you : in the previous scene? : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : (smoking, crying) : Screw you guys, I'm going home. : JASON LEE : Me too. Stay the hell away from : me, dude. : INT. COMIC CONVENTION, ONE YEAR LATER : ETHAN SUPLEE humiliates himself. Again. He also advances : the plot, specifically the fact that BEN and JASON ended the : comic and haven't spoken since. BEN flashes JASON a comic : and gives him a thumbs-up from across the room, indicating : that apparently there's still hope for their friendship. He : then walks over to JOEY. : BEN AFFLECK : (smoking) : Hi. I wrote something based on our : experiences together, a none-too- : subtle attempt to communicate that I : now understand what Silent Bob was : talking about in that seen. : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : (smoking) : Aww, how sweet. : PETER RAUCH : By the way, this actually works in : real life. No one knows why. : BEN AFFLECK : So, I've fucked up the two most : important relationships in my life, : but there's hope that I may be able : to deal with these things now and : regain my closest friends. : AUDIENCE : Wait a minute. Didn't that happen : in Clerks? : WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH : (smoking) : Yeah. See, Clerks' focus was : irony. This one's realism. The : point is that life more often : reflects the bizarre than the : predictable. This is why Mallrats, : which was based in idealism, ended : with the protagonist taking over : hosting duties on the Tonight Show. : AUDIENCE : Whatever. You just couldn't think : of an ending. : WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH : Oh, and endings are SO IMPORTANT to : you, right? You, the assholes who : made The Blair Witch Project the : most profitable movie of all time? : AUDIENCE : Ok, ok, sorry. : WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH : Besides, this is new! : ILLEANA DOUGLAS, upset at having her scene deleted, wastes : the entire cast and crew with a machinegun. : AUDIENCE : No, that also happened in Clerks, : you just deleted the scene. : WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH : Fuck! : END

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