That's some funny shit! *nt

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: : ---As much as I feel I shouldn't, I can't help but find this funny. Anyone read it before? : : : CHASING AMY: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™ : : By Peter Rauch : : : : FADE IN: : : Another comicky CREDITS SEQUENCE, this time featuring art : : by Mike Allred and roughly 12,000 in-jokes relating to : : Clerks and Mallrats. : : INT. COMIC CONVENTION : : ETHAN SUPLEE, in a startlingly accurate portrayal of most : : superhero comic fans, makes a complete idiot of himself. : : BEN AFFLECK : : (smoking) : : What the hell was that? : : MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS : : Get to the lesbians already! : : WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH : : (smoking) : : Hold on, I'll fucking get to it. : : In a smaller room, DWIGHT EWELL delivers a racially charged : : monologue that is far more risque than anything else in the : : movie, or the trilogy, for that matter, yet offends NO ONE. : : BEN disputes him on one point, leading to an extended debate : : about racism in Star Wars. This is the second-greatest : : moment in film history. : : DWIGHT EWELL : : (smoking) : : Black rage! : : He shoots JASON. : : JASON LEE : : (smoking) : : ... : : Everyone leaves except BEN, JASON, DWIGHT and the CHICK : : WHOSE FACE WAS PLASTERED IN CLOSE-UP ON EVERY GODDAMN PIECE : : OF PUBLICITY RELATED TO THIS MOVIE. But we'll call her : : JOEY. : : MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS : : Hey, isn't that the chick who : : fucked Bud on Married with Children? : : She's hot now. What an interesting : : development. : : FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS : : GOD her voice is annoying. : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : (smoking) : : Hi. : : BEN immediately falls deeply in love with her. JASON : : develops a deep-seated hatred that will outlast his : : lifetime. : : INT. SOME BAR SOMEWHERE : : DWIGHT and JASON, while smoking, have a heated argument : : about homoerotic subtexts in Archie comics. This is the : : third-greatest moment in film history. : : MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS : : Dude...lesbians. We paid seven : : bucks. Throw us a bone here. : : WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH : : (smoking) : : Oh, fine. : : INT. MEOW MIX : : BEN and JASON have been invited, sort of, to what the : : aforementioned audience members are hoping will be some sort : : of lesbian orgy. JOEY gets up and sings something that : : would have been on the SOUNDTRACK, but KEVIN SMITH is EVIL : : and didn't arrange to release one. At about this time : : CARMEN LEE shows up for no obvious reason. : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : (smoking) : : I'd like to dedicate that song to : : that certain special someone, : : someone whose identity can be : : expressed in vague enough terms that : : an egotistical and naive guy I met : : at a comic convention will think I'm : : talking about him despite the fact : : that I've only known him for a few : : days, and as all of you know from : : the trailer I'm gay anyway. : : BEN AFFLECK : : (smoking) : : She loves me. : : JOEY, while smoking, leaps down from the stage and starts : : passionately sucking on CARMEN'S face. : : MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS : : This is the best movie ever! : : The MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS' DATES get up and leave in : : disgust. Meanwhile, the director's girlfriend and one of the : : actors' wife, both of whom are straight, continue making out : : for several minutes. : : BEN AFFLECK : : (smoking) : : So, um... : : (uncomfortable pause) : : Hi. : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : Mmrrmph. : : EASILY AMUSED LESBIANS IN AUDIENCE : : Hey! I'm in the movie! : : EXT. SWINGSET : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : (smoking) : : Ben, I like you, more than I've : : liked any guy in a long time. : : You're the first guy I've met in a : : while that didn't immediately fall : : into some stereotype. To reiterate, : : our friendship hinges entirely on : : your ability to not digress into : : stereotypically male behavior. : : BEN AFFLECK : : (smoking) : : Cool. : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : So if you have any questions, I'd : : rather not listen to all the awkward : : subtle hints. : : BEN AFFLECK : : Are you a virgin? : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : What the fuck!? Have you been : : paying attention at all? : : BEN AFFLECK : : But according to the stereotypical : : guy bullshit, loss of virginity is : : defined by penetration. : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : That's a bunch of crap. : : BEN AFFLECK : : So you've never been with a guy? : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : I didn't say that. : : BEN AFFLECK : : But you answered the virgin : : question with another question. : : That obviously was to be interpreted : : as a yes. : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : Ben, I've been with guys. : : BEN AFFLECK : : (not listening) : : I mean, otherwise you would have : : just answered yes, right? : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : Ben! I HAVE HAD SEXUAL INTERCOURSE : : WITH MEN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? : : BEN AFFLECK : : This is convenient, since my : : ability to deal with this situation : : will crumble if I find out that : : you're not a ‘virgin.,' should I : : ever profess my love for you on some : : rainy, overly symbolic eve. Thank : : god you've never been with a guy! : : INT. BEN'S CAR ON SOME RAINY, OVERLY SYMBOLIC EVE : : BEN AFFLECK : : (smoking) : : I love you. : : JOEY, smoking, exits the car in a fit of rage. Seconds : : later she runs back and leaps into BEN'S arms. : : VARIOUS SHOTS OF BEN AND JOEY DOING SHIT PEOPLE PRESUMABLY : : DO WHEN THEY'RE IN LOVE, BESIDES FUCKING : : INT. BEN'S APARTMENT : : JASON LEE : : (smoking) : : Hey. Heard something interesting : : today. : : BEN, smoking, looks up from the OBLIGATORY HOCKEY VIDEO : : GAME to listen. : : JASON LEE (cont'd) : : Remember Rick Derris? : : BEN AFFLECK : : Sure. He's been mentioned thirty : : times in every one of these movies. : : JASON LEE : : Apparently Joey used to fuck him. : : And Coey London, another guy from : : high school. And Willam the Idiot : : Manchild, from the earlier movies. : : And her sisters Tricia and Heather. : : And her cat, Muffy. And former vice : : president Spiro Agnew. And... : : BEN, smoking, beats the shit out of JASON. : : AUDIENCE : : It's about damn time. : : INT. JOEY'S APARTMENT : : JOEY and various NOT-AT-ALL STEREOTYPICAL LESBIAN : : CHARACTERS work on the distribution angle of the comic. : : EASILY OFFENDED LESBIANS IN : : AUDIENCE : : Dammit! : : Unlike the White Hatin' Coon monologue, this scene offends : : damn near everyone. : : INT. HOCKEY ARENA : : BEN AFFLECK : : (smoking) : : By the way, Joey, have you ever, : : um.. : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : (smoking) : : YES! YES, GODDAMN YOU! I FUCKED : : RICK DERRIS! AND COEY! AND THE GUY : : FROM THE PUBLISHERS' CLEARING HOUSE! : : AND THE ENTIRE LPGA TOUR WHEN THEY : : PASSED THROUGH NEW YORK! : : BEN AFFLECK : : Actually, I was going to ask if you : : had ever thought about signing with : : one of the bigger indie labels like : : Vertigo or Image. But your question : : seems much more interesting, I : : agree. : : They BREAK UP. : : INT. THE DINER : : JAY and SILENT BOB enter. : : KEVIN SMITH FANS IN AUDIENCE : : (smoking) : : It's about fucking time! : : SILENT BOB : : (smoking) : : Ok, here's what you need to do. : : Forget about all this shit, it isn't : : relevant to the person you're in : : love with. Repeat, none of it : : matters, she was a different person : : then. Do NOT hatch some idiot plan : : involving Jason. : : BEN AFFLECK : : (smoking) : : Yeah. Whatever. : : INT. BEN'S APARTMENT : : BEN AFFLECK : : (smoking) : : Ok, we all need to have sex. : : JASON LEE : : (smoking) : : Didn't they try that in Threesome? : : BEN AFFLECK : : (smoking) : : Shut up. : : JASON LEE : : And doesn't this go against what : : the Writer/Director, whose : : experiences are clearly NOT the : : basis for this storyline, told you : : in the previous scene? : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : (smoking, crying) : : Screw you guys, I'm going home. : : JASON LEE : : Me too. Stay the hell away from : : me, dude. : : INT. COMIC CONVENTION, ONE YEAR LATER : : ETHAN SUPLEE humiliates himself. Again. He also advances : : the plot, specifically the fact that BEN and JASON ended the : : comic and haven't spoken since. BEN flashes JASON a comic : : and gives him a thumbs-up from across the room, indicating : : that apparently there's still hope for their friendship. He : : then walks over to JOEY. : : BEN AFFLECK : : (smoking) : : Hi. I wrote something based on our : : experiences together, a none-too- : : subtle attempt to communicate that I : : now understand what Silent Bob was : : talking about in that seen. : : JOEY LAUREN ADAMS : : (smoking) : : Aww, how sweet. : : PETER RAUCH : : By the way, this actually works in : : real life. No one knows why. : : BEN AFFLECK : : So, I've fucked up the two most : : important relationships in my life, : : but there's hope that I may be able : : to deal with these things now and : : regain my closest friends. : : AUDIENCE : : Wait a minute. Didn't that happen : : in Clerks? : : WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH : : (smoking) : : Yeah. See, Clerks' focus was : : irony. This one's realism. The : : point is that life more often : : reflects the bizarre than the : : predictable. This is why Mallrats, : : which was based in idealism, ended : : with the protagonist taking over : : hosting duties on the Tonight Show. : : AUDIENCE : : Whatever. You just couldn't think : : of an ending. : : WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH : : Oh, and endings are SO IMPORTANT to : : you, right? You, the assholes who : : made The Blair Witch Project the : : most profitable movie of all time? : : AUDIENCE : : Ok, ok, sorry. : : WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH : : Besides, this is new! : : ILLEANA DOUGLAS, upset at having her scene deleted, wastes : : the entire cast and crew with a machinegun. : : AUDIENCE : : No, that also happened in Clerks, : : you just deleted the scene. : : WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH : : Fuck! : : END

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