Posted by Eyesonly at zeb.zqwdrqsz.com on May 15, 2003 at 08:02:58:
Extracts from the 1988 edition of
"The Oz Blokes Guide to Spottting a Poofter"
If the answer is "yes" to any of the following questions, then the gallah in question is probably a poofter and deserves a thorough thrashing. Just to be on the safe side, thrash the bastard anyway.
1) Is he a flaming Pommie bastard?
2) Does he wear too much mascara, the wrong shade of lippy and smokes his fags using a long fag holder?
3) Does he apologise when he lets rip with a particularly stinky fart?
4) When he opens a tinnie, does he pour the contents into a glass before drinking?
5) Does he spend a more than the usual amount of timing squeezing your bum than is considered normal for an ordinary mate?
6) Does he have a poofter name like Julian, Gervaise, Binky or Doris? (The parents always know!)
7) Does he swallow rather than spit like a true bloke?
8) Does he use his tongue when he first kisses you?
9) Does he admit to looking pretty in pink?
10) Are the corks around his hat from some bloody foreign plonk with a queer name?
11) Does he stand very close to you and indulge in light social chit chat when you are pointing Percy at the porcelain?
12) Has he ever asked for assistance in training Terrence at the terracotta because his nail polish was still wet?
13) When faced with the question "Are you a flaming poofter, you bastard?" does he answer in the affirmative? (For all you Ockers, that means does he say "yes".)
14) Have you caught him at the back passage when there was still a sheilah available (this includes ugly sheilahs and abo sheilahs)?
15) When you imply that your mouth is as dry as an extremely dry place when there has been no rain for years and you are in desperate need of a cold one, does he offer you a port and lemon?
A final piece of advice: If he looks like a flaming poofter, he probably is one.
Do you know of any further tests/observations?